Soooo. I have been clean since Sukkos thanks to this site (no porn, masturbation...). At the height of my addiction, unfortunately I would have zerah l’vatalah even in my sleep – didn’t bother me that much. However, last night it happened again.

3 things:

Firstly, now that I’m actually trying to stay clean for good, it’s depressing to know that I can’t really control myself at night. It is said that we dream about things related to what we see during the day but I can’t recall anything that I did yesterday that would have caused this to happen at night.

Secondly, as part of the “say all, try-to-keep-no-secrets” policy of this website, I was just wondering if I am the only one this happens to and if I’m not, am I the only one that feels depressed (no worries – I don’t think it’s the type of depression that has caused me to reenter my addiction in the past) about it?

Finally, there is someone who I told about my addiction and as part of “accountability,” we agreed that we would call once every 2 weeks and just have a quick code “is everything ok?” and I hopefully would be able to answer “yes.” The “yes” response would indicate that I have not looked at porn or masturbated. Now due to the fact that I am still not really comfortable discussing every aspect with this person, do you think that this night slip would now force me to have to say “no” (and then explain why) or can I still answer “yes?”

Once again, my deepest thanks to everyone, and may Hashem help us all.

You are a Tzaddik. You can definitely say "YES". Keri is not your fault. It is the body's natural response to your tremendous strength in holding back. Tzadik!! I love you! I can't say it enough!

Read through this page for more info and tips: www.guardureyes.com/GUE/FAQ/FAQ5.asp

Dearest WeWillNotBeForsaken
It is said in the name of the BESH"T "at times a person sees at night just to test his simchas hachaim" see yosher divrai emes
you seem so strong, do you the Menuvil to forsake you, he is got to break your spirit if he cant when your conscious, he will try when your powerless.
I would advise you to ignore these emissions (at least so long that you are struggling with the others).
GO WeWillNotBeForsaken GO
MD

Wewillnotbeforsaken,

Wow! Your post and the responses by MDM and Guard couldnt have come at a better time! (Obviously Hashem runs the world, and everything happens for a purpose atthe time that he so deems)

Let me explain.


Baruch Hashem I have been clean now for  nearly 9 months.

I have been on a constant path of spiritual growth and Teshuva ever since. I am not one to get depressed and my spirit is usually positive and upbeat.

Baruch Hashem, the Ribono Shel Olam has finally given me  the Kochos to overcome in many areas where I have been struggling for decades!

The one area where I get very down, is exactly what you wrote!

3 times since I began my journey to Teshuvah, I have had incidents during the night. They bothered me immensely, and I was Mefashfesh B'Maasai to figure out where I have failed in the previous day or days.

I am so careful what I look at, what comes out of my mouth, what goes into my ears etc. that when it happened I felt like a huge faliure and that Hashem is telling me that  I am not doing enough etc.

Intellectually, I know that it is exactly what the Yetzer Hara wants me to think, but it still gets me down.

After the  first two incidents, I went to the Mikvah and Baruch hashem got my spirits back up and renewed my commitment to Hashem and went forward. Each night before I go to bed I have Kavanah when I say "Rigzu, V'Al Techetau..' hoping that I will remain clean. ( by the way:On Yom Kippur night, when the Sefarim say it's a bad omen to see keri, I virtually stayed awake all night  to make sure it doesnt happen)

Baruch Hashem a while went by and I stayed clean at night.

Then....

LAST NIGHT, at 4:37 am  IT HAPPENED AGAIN!!!

Yes, I woke up and stopped it half way through, but it happened.

I was so down.

I couldnt stop thinking about it. Was I failing? was I doing something wrong? Was Hashem not accepting my Teshuva?

These were the thoughts racing through my mind during learning this morning, during Shachris, on my way to work....

Then I logged onto the forum and out pops YOUR post and the responses of those 2 great Tzadikim!

I saw it as a sign from hashem not to let it get me down. That He still loves me. That he wants me to carry on in my growth.

Yes, the Seforim definitely say that  one who sees keri should better himself in different areas (even though its a body's natural response, it still must be tried to be avoided.see Kitzur Shulchan Aruch Siman 151 and 152), but I still will not allow it to get me down anymore.

I still cant believe that this post pops up today of all days!!! What a sign from heaven! Hashem is great! Hashem is our King! Hashem talks to us, his dear children. We just have to open our eyes and  see the signs!!!

Thank you. I love all of you on this forum more than you can imagine!!

Chazak V'Ematz!!!

I

There are some things that I do not let bother me, one of them is having an accident by night, I also sometimes wake up in the morning masturbating semi unconsciously in my half awake state.  I also don't let my obsession with dirt bother me when that happens.  I remember the days where I would say to myself, "look at you, your obsessed, you looked at every girl on the street today and you browsed those non kosher sites today, you’re a loser anyway" and then I would fall even further.  Ever since I decided that these things are simply not going to bother me and they are a result of my never ending nisayon and the fact that I am still in the mud, I am able to pull up and continue the day feeling good without falling even further.  This is not to say that they are not bad things but I realize that I am still in the mud and until I pull out they are going to happen to me. I hope i'm right.

On a separate note, I saw a keri on Yom Kippur many years back and was petrified and cried all day, Motzei Yom Kippur I spoke to someone and he told me that it says in seforim that the bad omen is absolutely not said for young and horny guys like me, I've since heard this a number of times but don't know the exact source.  Every Yom Kippur I am a nervous wreck when I go to sleep because I still don't want anything to happen but you should know that the nervousness itself is reason for it to happen.  A friend told me that it happened to him 3 Yom Kippurs just from being nervous about it, so take it easy and sleep tight.

MW, the fact you are still posting here means you will be Ok. Your attitude is healthy. See Battleworn's great steps in his post today. We can all learn a lot from that!

Even Rebbi Nachman who taught how severe zera l'vatalah is, and about the klipos that are created etc,  and it was he who was megaleh to the world the "Tikkun Haklali", the only thing that can actually rectify this aveirah, (even though the zohar said that there was no tikkun for this..... He himself said that one who sees at night, (not because he was up for hours looking at "p", but he just woke up with it, he said it is no more severe than a baby wetting himself in his sleep, and NO klippos will result from this.   i.e. NOTHING to be worried about at ALL!!!!