When I came to this site I read posts of people describing their addictions to pornography and the like.

While I regulary viewed pornographic material I never considered myself an addict. I always thought I was able to stop cold turkey. Different stories I read over the past couple of weeks have ignited a spark in me and have caused me to want to reach 90 days of purity. However, today as I struggled and failed I realized that I really was not in control. It is just too hard. I guess I realize the first step to recovery. I know I am addicted and I will act accordingly.

All the best to everyone and thank you for this site.

ninetydays

tzaddik beleive me if i can you can too

there  is no magic here but try it will work

keep in touch
bardichev

Ninety,

Its very important like the Heiliger Guard says to Read the Guard your Eyes Handbook & Guard your Eyes Attitude books that you can find on the Home page.

Its the basics you need to start, & they really work if you actually follow what it says.

Its aint easy, but its easier then living the life I was living before I started on my road to recovery.

Keep on posting as it is essential to have the support and advice from so many Tzadikim on this site that went through and are going through the same you are or worse & yet are making great progress.

So lets go, jump on board!

Yes We Can!
Efshar Letaken

Dear 90, the first step to recovery is ADMITTING that we are addicted. So welcome aboard!!

Please read the handbooks, and please join one of the new 12-Step groups starting soon. See this page.

Let me pose another issue I am having and I would appreciate anyone who has advice as to how I should go about dealing with this situation.

My wife has a job that requires her to own a laptop and her employer provides the laptop for her. Because of the administrative restrictions she and in turn I cannot download any programs onto the computer (i,e, k9 or covenant eyes). I ask her constantly to please put the computer away as I dont want to waste time on it. She has no idea that I view porn and the like as I am more tech savvy than her. My complaint to her is that I waste time and I would spend my hours in a more productive setting if the internet was unavailable from home.

Her response;

The internet is everywhere. Its more important to work on yourself than to remove internet from the house. When the kids get older we will get rid of it because "you know how dangerous the internet is for kids". Ha!!

While I cant tell her I am addicted I want to convince her to get rid of it. Keep it out of the house. I dont want it. I have it at work but that is not a struggle for me because I am surrounded by employees. Thank G-d for the cubicle.

Please any advice as to how to approach this serious subject with my wife .. ..

Tell your wife that ALL MEN struggle with temptations sometimes to look at things they shouldn't, or follow links that are not always "so innocent". The temptation can catch us off guard, when we're feeling down or whatever... There's no reason you can't tell her this. Nothing to be ashamed of. A big Rabbi in Jerusalem asked his wife to hold the password for him, and he had no shame in telling it to people who came over his house... Just ask her to change and hold the password so you can feel calmer.

As far as I know every Gadol in the world has either banned the internet in the house or stipulated that a filter should be installed, so you are merely following orders.  Does it not say in the Gemorah "Ain apitropus learoyos"

I think that asking ones wife is a very reasonable request, however it is our shame and guilt that is in the way.  Put that aside and do the right thing.  The crux of recovery is always to do the next right thing, what does Hashem want from me right now?

My wife BH is naive and would never suspect a thing.

I am terrified how that conversation can go.

Me: Can you please change the password on the computer and lock it every time you log off. I dont want access.
Wife: Why not? You just have to learn some self control and not go on all the time.
Me: All men struggle, and while I do try and control myself it is better for me not to have access at all times
Wife: Do you mean to tell me that you sometimes look or are tempted to look at porn?
Me: What should I say. Yes? While of course its true as I am human, its just not standard conversation. I dont know how to handle that question if it arises

just say, look, I've heard too many horror stories of guys who get a sudden temptation to look at things they shouldn't and then feel terrible about it. Chazal say, Ain apotropus le'arayus, a person should never trust themselves in these areas. Quite a few Rabbanim that I know who need internet, are makpid to have their wives hold the password and not give it to them. Rav Vosner even paskened that browsing the internet alone is issur yichud. Just do it woman. Don't make me hit you. (that was a joke  ;D)

Shalom my dearest chaver,
I had a similar problem and I told her the story of Reb Amram chasida in the gemarrah wHere the holy sage reb amram who the ohr hachaim hakadosh calls the rabbis of all pious in other words he was the chief of them all and yet when confronted by an overpowering lust he almost succumbed (I think I may have read the story from inside the gemarrah at the shabbos table) in any event, I said to her "I don't trust myself, I'm only flesh and blood" I also added that a person who thinks that he ca be smarter then sages is doomed to fail. I told her that I'm not embarrassed to admit that even the big tzadik that I am is not allowed to be myached with arroyos (nothing embarrassing about that, Moshe Rabienu and the Chofets chaim were pretty big tzadikim and yet even they were not allowed to be left alone secluded with arroyos. Many times I repeated to her that un filtered internet is like an "erveh" and yes I don't trust myself.
After a few of these discussions, when my ears heard what mouth was saying, I said to her "sweetheart I'm going to ask you to put in a password in the filter and if I  ever ask you for it (its a sophisticated fir wall that sometimes I need to adjust for legitimate purposes) promise me that you will change it within the hour".
I also taught her how to make sure that the filter is set properly to block all the bypass shenanigans that I had used in the past .
Does my wife suspect that I may have stumbled in the past? Could be!! The wives are usually a lot smarter then we think! I know that mine is a lot smarter the me, yet she is also smart enough not let me know that she is smarter then me!!

She hasn't said anything outright to me, and for this I'm very greatfull to her. If she suspected anything then she left me a "fig leaf" to hide behind
Either way it doesent matter to me now! I think She respects me more for this!
My dear ninety, I guarantee u if u do it the way  the guys  on the forum are suggesting, only good can and will come out of it.

A note of caution, be prepared that if your wife does confront you point blank, it may not be the smartest thing to tell her the truth! She probably will not be able to handle it and its no sin to just say "I don't want the temptation period".
The old "dicretion is the better part of valor"

You may want to consider saying to her that you just
realized that this a halachic question that we need to ask a Rabbi/Rov not any less in importance then any other shailos in laws of yichud.

Please keep us posted, we are all with you in our joint struggle!

With eternal love
Noorah BAmram