I took a couple of steps today.

1) i asked the filter gabbai what kind of accountability best suits my circumstances and

2) i turned the pictures off on my internet

I was going to post about my circumstances but then I read yours an honest mouse!!  I too fell yesterday, once again.  I feel like back when I discovered I was an alcoholic... yay, now I know I have a problem... just got to set a date to stop acting out, follow the program.  well the phone-in classes start May 16th so I've got 6 more days to despair.

Spring brings out some weird emotions.  Potentiality.  Opportunity.  New growth, new ideas. The wise and committed among us plants seeds in the soil and enjoy lush gardens by the end of summer.  The selfish addict that I am wastes those seeds, plants them in concrete, nothing by summer's end except more addict, more unsolved issues... 

During Pesach, just like you honest mouse, I was in a glow.  I was talking to Gcd, I felt the glow, getting back to davening, with kavannah.  Then what?  Then the wife doesn't submit to my desires... I feel alone, unwanted, uncared for... incredible sadness descends, like a thick fog... like Egypt...  no way out except to go to places where they pretend they care... or at least that's the act.

Anyhow, this too shall pass... clean up my desk... clean up my mind... set some goals... breathe through the pain, loneliness and struggles,,, cry... ahh, the sadness.  try to grab a mitzvah, hey maybe one of the six constant ones, so easy, right here!  dang, I didn't do netilat yadayim this morning, no bracha on the Torah... so, no learning...

Thanks for your post OTEM, it's comforting to know that somebody else has the same issues. It takes away the isolation. In reference to what you wrote about your wife and submiting to your desires, I would just say that one of the biggest gifts I got from GYE was learning to separate my relationship with my wife from my struggle with lust.

bH now, they have little if no connection whatsoever, my obsession with lust is not a marriage or a bedroom issue, the proof of the pudding being that i brought it in with me to the marriage, therefore, my bedroom relationship with my wife is not one of "submiting to my desires" but rather a union of love in a shared life. Secondly, if we can't be together it doesn't trigger my lust obsession because my relationship with my wife has no connection with lust. Lust = selfish/taking, Love = selfless/giving. Just an observation im sorry if i read too much into what you wrote.

On a personal note, I was really touched by the "doomed" gambling story in a recent chizuk email. What he writes at the end, that he always talks to Hashem and makes sure to "take Him" with him wherever he goes. He writes that he must make sure that he is never alone. That really hit home.

Building an awareness of and a closeness with Hashem is what it's all about, isolation, loneliness, feeling unprotected, these are all things that fuel our addiction. If we have Hashem with us and keep him close, we'll never feel abandoned again.

I've been making an extra effort to really just release my feelings to Hashem a few times a day, whenever Im alone, so far, it's great, one day at a time.

It's very nice to read your post, Mousy guy! Thanks for the chizzuk and for reminding me to stick with the spiritual growth over everything else. And here is another tirade....it just fell out again....

One suggestion, and I do not know if it's a chiddush to you at all. But it is to some others and is very precious to me:

I have never - I mean never - actually been koneh any middah tova (or ra'ah), nor have I ever been koneh any freedom from anything (or bondage to anything) by thinking it over deeply or by learning and chazering anything. And I have learned the big seforim, b"H.

Rather, the only way that anything I have ever learned has made any change in my life, is through my behavior. This is what I mean when I quote, "You can't think yourself into right living. You can only live yourself into right thinking." "Just get lost in living, and you will find yourself in G-d," as a friend of mine used to say.

This is what the steps are, contrary to what many of the philosophers on this forum have written. They are not a philosophy of living at all - they are steps to take. They have so little to do with our hashkofah and everything to do with our behavior. Figure them out and nothing happens. Nothing. It says, "These are the steps we took." One will 'know' them, 'darshen' on them, and 'understand' them...and will remain the smartest drunk (or pervert) in the world. In other words, just another drunk.

I do not digress. You are saying good: the ikkar is building an awareness and closeness to Hashem, as you wrote. That surely is what it is all about! There is nothing else than that, and it is the only real answer to our addiction. But it does not come first - it comes last.

I bear witness that the only way I got any of that (and I have some of it, b"H) is this: by not masturbating and not getting lost in sexual fantasy.

Not very glamorous, is it? Doesn't sound like much. And really it's not. Yet guess what? As any of us people who are chronic slippers know, it is actually impossible for us! By getting the help I needed to just do that - stay clean one day at a time even if my behind falls off, I was made able to recieve a gift of understanding. That understanding makes it a lot easier. And life becomes much more fun, too. Till that happens...not so much fun. But there's the rub: we need to surrender the acting out even if it makes us miserable - or else we will still use it even after He gives us the big gifts of sobriety. So many complain that they 'it hurts'. So? Of course the first few months will hurt! They 'fall' and want 'chizzuk'. Why? is it all about 'feeling better'? The answer is yes - for them, it is...and that's why they will be back at the magazine rack or the porn site in a week or two.

And that is what taking the 1st step is. Giving it up because we can't afford not to. The comes all the rest, and the understanding comes after (most of) them.

If anyone thinks they are clear on what I am saying, then please do not think about it any more! Just do it. Get the help you need to stop. If you believe that you might get better by going to SA meetings, then please, please, quit being so afraid of "being seen in an SA meeting by another frum yid". This is your life, your future, your everything. If you are an addict, then without sobriety you will drown. Give up the kovod and the fear and do for yourself.

"Nura b'veis Amrom!!" - look! He wasn't even an addict! And he took the extreme measures necesarry for one reason: he was not a foolish ba'al gayvoh and he put his real life ahead of his 'image'. May I (and we all) always be zoche to do the very same!

All I am here to say is that it generally does not come to us the other way around. If it could work that old way, then it would have worked for us ten years ago! And that other way around is so very tempting to us cerebral b'nei Torah. But it is shekker vechozov, and stupid. I know you are not meaning to suggest that, but I just felt like trying to speak out and make that point very clear.

Some - especially the more romantically religious among us, who relish "being generals in waging the big milchomoh on the yetzer hora" - will secretly feel insulted and want to brand me as a defector from Torah, c"v. But - who is the one still masturbating on the bathroom floor? Hmm?

OK. I'm cooked....stick a fork into me if you like!

Have a great Sh"k!!

After reading this shtikel from Reb Dov, I think I may need to go back & edit the latest Ha'oroh.....

:o

i wanted to post as things were going well, but such is the nature of the beast, that when im doing well, i feel like i dont need to connect so much, dont need the chevra so much - its not true!!

i always need to be connected, i always need to remember that im sick and that im in recovery. ive not being doing well the last few days - i thought i was onto something but im plumetting, my job isnt going so well and im back into stuff i shouldnt be - everything seems so hopless right now - but i know in my head its not - but my heart is in pain.

I need real people to connect to - but do i need sa, i dont know, i need a program i can stick to and have other people around me doing it too... im cloudy right now, tomorrow (i hope) will be a brighter day...

Dang Mousy! I read your post and I knew exactly where you're coming from. I feel the exact same way and am starting to realize that I need to connect with myself, others and specifically with other addicts like me on a regular if not every day basis. I've gone to a few SA meetings recently and I am really starting to feel like it is the ultimate and only way I will start getting better. By being in contact every day with other addicts and realizing and knowing every single day that o do have an addiction and I DO have to work on it and keep my guard up at all moments of the day. I'm strting to look at options for next year in yeshiva and it seems as though i will have to be in a place where I can get to meetings a few times a week. Otherwise I won't survive. The digital medium (I.e. The forum and chat) only go so far in keeping connected. I have found that seeing and meeting real people and getting to know them on a real life person-to-person basis is completely unique to actual SA meetings and for me I feel that's the only way for me to get 100% serious about sobriety. Sure, I want to, and I have days and weeks clean. But in order for me to come through I feel the only way for me to be completely serious about it is to have actual people who I'm in contact with everyday. Who know me, who know what's happening in my life, who i see. Then it becomes real.

Thanks for listening.

Just my two cents.

-Mac

hm  know how you feel.  ups and downs.

keep on posting.

get some sleep.

keep on posting.

keep out of isolation.

Thanks guys for replying - its encouraging to have people respond and feel connected with.

Strangely, i was just told my boss that things are going to end 2 months from now and i feel a lot better. I dont know where my parnosoh is going to come from after july but i just relief and a major calming down in my addicition too. I guess it thrives on stress and uncertainty.

Anyway, one of the reasons i didnt get the training i wanted, is because of procrastination. When im uncertain about how to do something, or feeling overwhelmed with my workload, i escape to entertainment. Either to lust or stam neutral entertainment, instead of meeting the challenge. That is something which ties into my addiction and something that i need to work on.

Does anyone have any ideas?

http://www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=2921.0

Thanks! ill give it a read later!

hi AHM,

i identify with what you wrote about being overwhelmed with a workload and reacting by escaping...

seems that there are no quick fixes to that and it takes a lot of small steps in the right direction to develop a better attitude and a better habit, and it all starts with awareness. recognizing that something is wrong.

great to see you posting and glad to hear that at least the uncertainty of your job is gone. hoping and praying you find a better job be'karov.

a job i had once ended and the next day i called a guy for a quote and mentioned that i was looking for work. he said he was looking for a guy to work for him. 3 weeks later i started working for him. that was years ago and i've been doing that ever since...

was i upset at the time about my lack of a job? for sure. was i worried? of course. but it turned out to be the beginning of something better than i had before (in hindsight of course).

i don't know how to do so but it seems that we need to learn to trust. trust Hashem. He will come though.

Thanks Zemmy, that's very encouraging. I trust Hashem, whenever I have nothing on the horizon, I have seen Him look after me before. I never had to wait very long with things till it was sorted. I get too stressed out when things are uncertain though, but then again - Rome wasn't built in a day. Le'at Le'at. My addiction and my escaping (which I figure are one and the same on many levels) are my biggest stumbling blocks atm and I have to figure out a sensible way forward.

I feel your Matzav.....