I need to vent. Im not doing so great, i need a holiday, pesach is coming its busy busy busy, i dont have any time to myslef, my wife doesn't have any time for herself, we dont have any time to ourselves to do nice couple things. It's just a push till pesach then things will get easier but im flagging, my strength is waning...

The weather here is great, everyone is back for bein hazmanim, the streets are packed with my fetish, ive been acting out, one of kids is sick...

im having one of those days where i cant see the good in my life, i cant let go and trust in Hashem, i need a vacation - a couple days in a scenic resort with nothing and nobody, but i cant do that, i need help, i need chizuk

(ill probably feel better tomorrow morning but i need to rant now)

oy :-\

an honest mouse wrote on 10 Apr 2011 22:02:


Big Yellow shoes to protect my feet - check
Two front buttons to make sure my pants don't fall down - check
Big mouse ears to hear approaching cats - check
Big mouse smile that Minnie goes crazy for - check
White gloves to protect my hands - check

AHM the pre-Yom Tov stress, know it well.  Think small like a 15 minute break from the action just to catch up with your wife and connect.

Thanks UAJ, that made me smile :D !

Interestingly enough, i did feel a lot better yesterday. Sundays are really becoming a thing, i need to come up with a plan for sundays...

I just did something for the 1st time today. I slipped and i tried to get hold of my partner to speak it out so i could let go and not fall. He wasnt available, so i stepped into a secluded corner and spoke it out with Hashem, exactly as i had planned to do with my partner and i felt the burden lift and i was able to let go.

Dazz whad amm talkin' about! Yow!!

my 1st boss once quoted his 1st boss - "we are where we are". sometimes things didnt go the way you planned them or they were mucked up by someone else, but we can draw a line under it and do our best from where we are.

Im using that advice right now, i wasted half the afternoon not working but playing cat and mouse with my lust. Im behind where i wanted to be and i toyed with lust so now im more vulnerable to triggers. this advice tells me, nu nu let go of it and move forward doing my best from hereon.

sounds like 1st-boss anon is onto something...

Hi all, back after the pesach break. Missed you guys!

I find the aftermath of pesach very difficult, the sudden absence of yom tov ruchniyus, being away from the family and in front of a computer all day long and the begining of the summer. Im feeling very antsy, a bit itching for a good lusting session and my partner is away for the weekend already....

Go scratch yourself in a beis midrash.

First of all, hi!

Was going to post this on your thread, butyou get the honor of it being on yours, instead:

I think that part of the message of pesach is to rmeind us that freedom is a good thing, that it's worth something.

That we want it.

dov wrote on 27 Apr 2011 15:09:


I'm in the office...  :'(            - bH just today and tomorrow though, in the UK there is long weekend holiday friday through monday! for more time with the family and real life

thanks sb, i feel honoured, but you should still post it on your thread - that way more people will read it! your idea is so true - but how do we keep the free attitude and take it to work with us...? its all in the perspective i suppose.

Hi all. Im on a bit of a free fall since pesach is over. Going back to work brings up so much RID. The end of the holidays, missing the family, resenting not being in kollel, working all day - plus the pritzus around the office and being in front of a computer all day. I think the yom tov elevation also makes more sensitive to schmutz and not being in the routine of sobriety in the office, i get out of practice.

I know i need a long-term plan for future yomim tovim, but i cant worry about that now, i need to get back into recovery now. What's been worrying me, isn't that ive wasted my days on lust, but rather that i have had a few great days, only to spoil it by 5 mins of acting out at the end of the day, where it was so unnecessary, so out of the blue. In other words, even on a good day, 5 mins of acting out is happening - and it shouldn't be.

bH, this morning i had a very good letting go session where i accepted that this week wasnt the way i wanted it and that i messed up and i let it go, letting the burden of it slip off my shoulders and asked Hashem to give me the sense to use the tools of recovery at the right time.

I sympathise, indeed!

You do have other people in recovery around you to do this with (besides this virtual thingy-bob)......don't you?

AHM- i am HM - come back and join us. we will do it together my friend. Dont worry about what happened. You hade a nice Yom Tov now lets keep on steigen..

Keep on posting - and remember its one day at a time with g-d help.


--HM

I had a diffcult start to the day today. Just to recap, ive been in a rolling temporary position at work that im hoping will turn into the training i need to qualify in my proffesion. My boss basically told me that its going to be very hard to get the training from this firm because im not efficient enough and i dont show them that im hungry for success. Im too laid back. Someone on work experience for a few weeks looks a lot better than me and that shows me up.

Im hurt and scared for the future. I feel abandonded and alone, i want to escape into a fantasy world where everything is pleasure. I know that this is not an option and it is not the answer but now im left not knowing how to deal with my fears and resentments. I suppose this is a victory for recovery because i chose to call my partner instead of open the internet but that isnt very comforting right now.

im worried where my parnosoh will come from, when will i be able to finish my qualification?

i doubt i can really cry to my wife or parents, they are waiting for me to get a serious parnosoh and be a proper bread winner already.

but i need to cry to someone - Hashem is a pretty good option, ill try that.

addicts think that it will always be like today. I just have to keepb trying my hardest, take on board the constructive criticism and keep going.

Maybe im having too much self-pity, maybe my pride is hurting too much...

Maybe this was just a friendly reminder from the One Above that I must always rely on Him and not get complacent, He is looking after me even right now, especially right now.

well i didnt manage to hold out, i acted out instead of going to night seder and didnt gain anything, of course. Instead i just let down my wife and chavrusa as well as myself...

Ive come to a realisation. when lust strikes and ive lost my bechira, at that point i need to submit myself to a power stronger than myself, because i cant carry on my life as i am. I have 2 choices, i can either submit myself to lust and be carried away on a crazy and destructive journey, or i can submit myself to Hashem and a fellow recoverer. I need to let go and stop what im doing at that point and my last choice is who to surrender to, l'Hashem or l'azozel. which one loves me and wants the best for me? no brainer huh...