thanks everyone for your encouragement!

thanks kutan, but u should be aware that a lot of it comes from u!

yesterday was a tiny victory in that every day i have acted out since succos was twice, yesterday was only once...

Today, so far lust hardly struck but when it whispered, it quickly shut up coz it remembered the kaboloh (and the ?50!)

wow. Keep us posted.

and thanks for the compliment! I'd luv to take the credit, of course, but I am only the moon... reflecting Dov and 7UP and other the other sages here.

(Bards, you will chap the pun in this one...)

Glad to hear that you've seen improvement. How do you feel about your growth?

kutan shel hachabura wrote on 28 Oct 2010 19:53:


Thanks Kutan; but as for me, i am no more (and no less than the pi ha'ason. If I say anything wise, its HKBH speaking through this lowly messenger.

7Up wrote on 28 Oct 2010 20:19:


wow, we've got a lot of animals on this thread, do you feel left out sb? i guess u could splinter with that picture of yours (u know from the turtles)....

anyways, bH, a similar day, when lust whispered, it shut up coz of my powerlessness and the kaboloh. sb - it feels great to have actually lived 2 weekdays in a row. (ive done it before of course, but not since succos...)

HOORAY!




We are all doing a dance for you, HM!

a shtarkeh gameplan in action!

shtarkeh trucking.

w

Awesome! Focus on that good feeling. Remind yourself that this is what feeling good is all about, because when the yetzer hora shows up knocking, that's usually his sales pitch, isn't it? "Do this, because it will feel soooo good!"

The more you're aware on a deep level of how good being clean makes you feel, the easier it is to walk away from that seemingly enticing offer.

And shhh, don't tell anyway, but as one of my ninja powers, I can shape-shift into any animal I want!

thanks everyone for your chizuk and encouragement! i can honestly say that, your caring and friendship is a massive part of my growth.

a ha'orah: i've noticed that when i have a taking/lusting day, i have made me too big, it pumps the me up, so that when i get home, i have little room for my wife & kids. How can i give them time - i had a rough day at work, i'm tired, i need to chill out and relax now.

when i have a giving/clean day the me is still small, there is plenty of room for other people, so when i get home and can see that my wife has been with the kids all afternoon and had a tough day and she needs a rest and my kids - they need my attention and its only a couple of hours till they go to sleep, i can manage till then!

The link between what i do during the day and how i can be there for family when i get home is becoming so clear!

Wow - that's incredible! I need to focus on seeing that more!

Have a great shabbos!

thanks - you too!

that is a great insight reb achbar hane'eman, thanks for sharing

i've been sitting in the bleachers and watching you and i should have brought my shtender cause i have been learning and learning from you

May we all have great hatzlacha on our quest to become human again!

hi guys - im back on the chart - thanks for all your help! 

i will admit that im a little tempted not to renew my kaboloh tomorrow (its runs out tonight) - but, i know it would be way counterproductive in the long run and i dont wanna lose my freedom, so, with Hashem's help, i will renew it tomorrow before i get to work for another week.

on shabbos i had some kiddushim to go to, lots of women around dressed up for shabbos - my poison - but bH managed to surrender, relate my powerlessness and move on. It affected me the least so far bH so very happy about that.

today there was a hachnosas sefer torah that went past my house, tempted to go and join but same problem as above (women in shabbos finery) even my 'good side' wanted to go, its a mitsva! - nope - let me look like a sheigetz, im doing the right thing in Hashem's eyes and thats what counts, i cant take a chance coz im powerless and it makes my life unmanageable

Mazel Tov. Now you are getting somewhere. But is your surrendering done all by your lonesome, or do you have a few choices of folks you can call to quickly do the surrender with and then move on? It is important for us to surrender together with other people - and my favorite reason for that, is quite cool:

Even if surrendering inside is all there really is - the only place surrender is ever made is inside my heart, where my motivations are and my actions are decided. What we say is not often worth very much. So you'd think that surrendering in my heart=success, period. Technically, that's true. Still, there is a huge poison inherent in surrendering exclusively privately and I bet it has ruined many good-hearted frummeh yidden like us, addicts or not: (how many colons am I allowed? ;D)

When I surrender privately exclusively, and am granted relief by Hashem, I will be grateful.

When I do it again a few more times, though, I will be machazik myself as a good Jew. And what's so bad about that? Nothing really, but....

After a few more times, I will believe that I am 'really something'.....I see it all the time, and saw it in myself, as well. And unfortunately, in the sick realm of his or her addiction all the 'positive self-esteem' stuff of Rav Twerski and 'definitions of true humility vs gayva' avail an addict zero, really. Thinking we are 'really something' means one thing: ego: Edging G-d Out. Period. A normal person can afford that, but many addicts agree that they cannot. We need to remember exactly who we are and what we are prone to. The first step is not done once - it is an awareness that saves us again and again from death.

When we surrender in our hearts and share that surrender with another (safe) person, it is really hard to consider ourselves heroes :. After all, my thoughts (if I am really being honest and open about them) are occasionally quite immature, perverted, and goofy. And my recovery buddy knows all about it! He surely doesn't look down on me for my thoughts, cuz he understands his own addiction and how even men and women of great quality - even great rabbonim, good fathers, and courageous people - are quite pathetic in addiction. I know a lot of great talmidei chachomin, lawyers, and doctors - all addicts like me - whose brains can come up with the silliest and most dangerous ideas when a woman with the right 'accouterments' talks nicely to them, or when they are alone at the office with an unfiltered computer (or book)...or whatever. Willpower will not protect them forever - hence, they are guaranteed to fail - they are powerless and admit it freely.

But it's nothing to be ashamed of, really. It's just the truth about us! Hey -  my body will eventually die, slowly rot, and smell horrible - people will run from it. Not a pleasant thing to think about, so we don't. And that's normal. But with addiction, if we choose to allow our shame to guide us we'll never share it and surely self-destruct. We make philosophical and religious excuses for keeping it private - it's all really just shame of our own 'stink'.

Addicts in recovery know better.

So we share it with another person rather than just privately give up our 'right' to it and ask Hashem to save us from the pain/regret. We tell them all about it. There is no shame left when it comes down to saving my life, thank-you. We all know what happens to the guy who has a heart attack R"l in the bathroom and is too shamed to call for help because he hasn't wiped himself yet...(sorry)

It helps keep me right-sized in my own mind and heart when I know that other people are fully aware of the depth of craziness that my addict mind is capable of. And  right-sizedness is perhaps the greatest 'sobriety insurance' in the world.

Humility in action, not just in words. Talk is certainly cheap. But talking out our insides to another is precious, precious, precious!

Lets come out - and stay out - of the shadows.