You are really working hard. Work in machshava kvishas hayetzer. It is really something.

hi

on simchas torah in the past, i would have bitter-sweet elevation. feeling spiritually high after yomim noroim and succas and being afraid that ill lose it all and start acting out again. im sure that fear and anxiety made it easier to fall. bH this year i just enjoyed yom tov itself, i didnt beg Hashem to keep clean forever more like previously, i just concentrated on not looking at the women in and around shul - on TODAY and that was much better for me.

Today i had a crazy rollercoastery day, with a very important decision to make (decision making stresses me out),  a family argument and seeing my neighbour..... and i didnt act out!!! what an achievement ( i certainly would've in the past) thanks GYE!!

It Sounds like real growth.
Kol Hakovod

an honest mouse wrote on 03 Oct 2010 22:15:


...and, Thanks to An Honest Mouse!!!!!

hi

im sorry to report that i acted out twice today, my neighbour was an immense trigger and i went into autopilot in a split second.

i dont have anything brave or clever to say at this point, i feel pretty low, i only managed around 3 weeks and i cant seem to get past that point.

on the one hand i feel like i havent achieved anything and im starting from scratch but on the other hand, i had such success over the last 19 days that it cant have all been reset by one day of giving in ???

i will sleep it off and have a long chat with my partner in the morning iy'H

sorry to disappoint, people  :'(

Score:

honest mouse  84
yetzer hara      02



who's winning?


(each battle counts for one point.)

Dear Mouse
to me your doing great so appreciate yourself as world pointed out and don't get down.However maybe you should pay attention to what dov is teaching.Acting out is what is says it is.We are acting out our emotions in a area where they should not be acted out mostlikely because we are not dealing with them proplerly in the area where they belong.We may have frustrations with our spouse , work , shul , friends etc.,There are so many internal issues that are at play .The 12 steps will make you address it .I know I have to do them properly to be fully long term sober.
worthsomething(formerly worthless)

thanks for your chizuk guys. w.s - i am on the 12 steps call and we're in the process of doing step 4 this week. I was actually triggered during step 4, which we read today in the white book (sa) is a lack of step 1. that is what my partner suggested to me and that is exactly what was in the chizuk email yesterday.

i dont think it was a coincidence at all that the entire chizuk email from my thread 6 months ago, because what dov wrote to me in this very thread way back on april 29th is exactly what i needed to hear last night (unbelievable that guard sent it yesterday a&w!) i have been cheshboning too much, i have been allowing the lust to go a bit and then trying to surrender it . Today i bH had a great day, i think i finally understand dov a lot better when he says 'need to get the heck out of Hashem's way'. i have been getting out of His way much earlier on, and i bH feel like i am right back on course.

i learned a lot from these falls...

oh yeh - today i bought a bottom of the range mobile phone (transl. = cell phone) and got rid of my camera phone. i dont want to trigger anyone but it bekitzor limits my heicha timsa to find lust material.

Please try to 'learn' from other sources; we hope you are not trying to fall every time you are in the mood of a lesson!!  ;D

an honest mouse wrote on 05 Oct 2010 22:30:


oh yeah, can i please have your old mobile then?

Hi Mouse, how are you doing? We have not heard a squeak from you lately....
And, please, watch out for those sticky traps, and those snap ones, and now they have these newfangled 'cage' ones
(supposedly more humane! HAH!. > > >)

im not doing that great to tell you the truth. I have had 6 falls in the last 7 days and i am feeling very vulnerable, stressed and uncomfortable because ive just started a new job. i also haven't been concetrating on recovery because i did that best when my wife and kids were out of the house during the day, but im at work at that time now.

bekitsur, the cheese is what is in focus now, not the trap. In other words im living in the problem, not the solution as the 12 steps advises. I hope to have my 5th step conversation in the next few days which should shove me back into shape.

i did have an a&w moment today though in mariv, the tefillah for parnoso, the pasuk comes from tehilim 55: 'Hashleich el Hashem y'hovcho, vehoo yechalkelecho' 'through upon Hashem your burden and He will susatin you'. Steps 2 & 3, perhaps that was a sign of what i need to focus on, that posuk is for sure lacking with me, and that is what will help.

MAZEL TOV!!! on the new job!  :D ;D

and thanks for being honest (yikes, I left that part out of your name in the last post... sorry).

OK. I've got a message from  Ari and his Royal Highness says to kindly ignore the past, trust in him for the future, and start again... now!

Hatzlacha!

Dear Honest Mouse  Boy you have either a ton of unspent energy or a lot of frustration,I used to be able to do that 6 falls 7 days  .I think I've just gotten older.But dig deep look at yourself maybe ther are things that frarate you that you don.t ralize frustrate you .The easy things to change are weekday minyan,or shabbos minyan,
type of torah studied -change gemorah ,do hashkafa  or halacha,friends,time spent with children,job,.I believe if your acting out like that its not just that the externals are triggering you but the lack of menucha in your internals is making it easier for the outhere to get at you.
Rshalom arush book garden of Peace has revitalizez  and revolutionized my marriage in ay I never thought possible.His sefer in forest fields has been teaching me ow to cnnect to Hashem and cut threw alot of the garbage in my life and get to the real emex that makes me life and breath.By staying sober you get out of the "bubble".But learn to grow from it and find the things that make you tick and you'll be so much better off.