kutan shel hachabura wrote on 17 Sep 2010 02:04:

Me too!


And I am NOT joking!

Hey Yosef... thanks for making me feel less guilty! ;D

kutan shel hachabura wrote on 20 Sep 2010 17:20:

Well, I don't feel guilty at all!  ;D
(At least, not in this matter...)

kutan - im glad you were inspired, everyone's situation is different, Hashem takes it all into account. I admit that i get all out of shape for silly reasons, small and insignificant but hey, in climbing up we have to start at the bottom...

reb yosef - i am jealous of you - you have been clean for 2 months already! (iy'H by me!)


today was a close call, bH my wonderful partner pulled me through. After 3 calls and some divine protection, i am still clean but it was a day which i found hard to surrender and practice step 3 - to just sit back and enjoy the ride, i wanted control too much, stuff just wasnt going my way. hopefully, tomorrow i will live His way...

an honest mouse wrote on 20 Sep 2010 21:32:


It is the quality that counts!!!

My quality isn't as good as yours.  :D

One day at a time, friend. You can only live life as quickly as it comes.

There is no almosts making it is making it. You made it. That all that counts keep on going

today i was having a great day, i realised at 1pm that that time last week i was acting out whilst viewing my neighbour  but today at that time, i was living my own life. Everyday in between, i called my partner around that time (thats when she's around outside) so i should be preoccupied, but today i didnt even need to bH. What a difference a week makes!

later, i was minding my own business, on the phone, when i suddenly saw her walking past out of the window she looked really good, it was one of the best opportunities with her in a really long time. I find that when im on the phone i cant think properly about gye stuff, i mechanically ran outside to follow her. I realised what i was doing, so i turned around and went back home.

I decided, up until that point was oines, Hashem wanted me to see her dressed like that, dafka when im on the phone and im weak. He wants my avoidah from now on, how will i react to the missed opportunity? bH, i managed to do step 3, He wanted that to happen and i dont understand why, but i dont need to. I dont need to do anything about the fact that i saw her like that, that was all on Hashem, now i just gotta go on with my own life.

One day in the future i hope to stop resenting her for having a great body and dressing in a way which draws attention to it, i ought to have a lot of hakoras hatov to her for spurring me on in my growth and getting me closer to Hashem. He clearly made us neighbours to give me the opportunity to get closer to Him... ill get there one day, right now i need to continue ignoring her!

have a great yom tov everybody!

Good going, chaver!

I second that!

Good job!

Gut moed everybody!

1) Last night i was really angry - Irritable with a capital 'I'. I was frustrated that it was already 1030pm and i hadn't accomplished anything that night, frustrated that wasted half an hour juggling with my filter (bH i didn't see anything but that's not really the point) frustrated that it's never 'the right time' with my wife, frustrated that my kid woke up and i went in and tried to calm her down and she got histerical wanting her mummy! bekitzur, frustrated because the night hadn't gone the way I planned.

I took a deep breath and broke it all up into little pieces, the same way as i did with the fear and anxiety a couple of weeks ago. It helped so much as each thing on its i can deal with, that calmness shrunk me down enough to remember Hashem and the fact that He is with me.

2) today we went to the zoo for a chol hamoed outing. I saw my neighbour there (Hashem is making me work very hard with her...) i had a good old stare but then i texted my partner and surrendered it. I was finding it hard to let go later, wishing i would've bumped into her again, or had a better look... i texted this to my partner and then was suddenly able to feel that it's ok, Hashem planned for me to see her there, He wants me to build up my resistence to her and realise that she is not part of His plan for me... i was able to except that (temporarily at least). One thing i learned, when you share, it becomes easier to do the avoidah coz its out of my head, which isn't a safe place to keep it (coz in this area, its rather a little screwed up...).

3) next to the ants i had an a&w moment when i saw a thought provoking quote, 'if we weren't so preoccupied by size we would realise that the ant is a more impressive creature than the rhino'. This struck me for 2 reasons.

firstly, our worth isn't in relation to what the world can see on the outside, ie our accomplishments, rather it is what we achieve with our resources. we shouldnt compare ourselves to an adam gadol who doesn't struggle with what we do. For all we know, our growth in recovery is sweeter to Hashem than the torah of a great lamdan. (im speculating here...), plus the ant is the quintessential 'worker' and it is said of man, l'omol yulad - we were born for work. So perhaps our small but great effort below the view or our community or the wolrd at large is what is trully impressive to Hashem.

secondly, in terms of looking at women, the saying is telling me that physical appearence is not the ikkur but rather what is done with the potential - ie sheker hachein vehevel hoyofi, ishah yiras Hashem hi tishalal...

Honest,
Your avodah is truly inspiring!
k