Sounds like recovery to me.... 

david712 wrote on 10 Aug 2010 13:07:


Thanx for reading again!

Your creativity was amazing!

Why don't you become a writer?

You are from ShakespeareLand, how about a playwright?

lol! id rather write chidushim though. Thanks for the compliment, somehow, you feel more involved if you read, you should definately try it!

I just wanted to post what i said on the call today. Steve was talking about not getting depressed about the decision to give up lust totally (ie no gentlemens drinking) that it's a fake pleasure and there is so much better pleasure out there. I shared that last night whilst i was doing night seder after a particularly good non 'rid'y day, i could feel the sweetness of torah so much more than i think i ever have done and it happened again tonight bH! coz when im not chasing the illusion all day im more connected to the real thing, to real life and i can feel it much more.

Wishing everyone a good shabbos!

im really bumping up and down at the moment, i seem to be using the idea of powerlessness against myself as well, like giving up quicker, on the one hand, the quality of my recovery is getting better - on the other hand, the frequency of my falls seems to be increasing....    ??? ??? ???

yesterday, I had an amazing A&W experience. I called Steve about being down and feeling like im getting worse this past week rather than better, we talked it out, he gave me new life, new confidence and new optomism. Thanks Steve! One of the particulars we talked about, was how when my wife would announce she's going to bed whilst im on the internet, i get the adrenelin rush to surf and get as much as i can past my filter like i used to in the old days before a filter. He gave me the eitsoh to just leave the computer when such a situation arises.

A&W 1)  last night i went into shmedrik's thread and opened the aish video, i dont normally do that and he posted it last week so i didnt have to open dafka last night, anyways, it was exactly what i needed. About how the growth is going on under the surface, we just cant see it and it sprouts out later, you just gotta have patience and perserverence. Hashem sent me that fatherly reminder.

A&W 2) 5 minutes later, right when im in the serenity of Hashems presence, my wife announces she going to bed! on the same day as steve gave me the eitso. So i got up off the computer

A&W 3) before i left i checked my email account and noticed one of our chevra emailed me to call him, he needs help. if i hadnt spoken to steve and watched that video, i would've been on  lusting spree and would not hvae been there for my chaver in his hour of need!!

whats more is that this chaver convinced me to start the calls in the first place!!! Hashem helped him out coz he gave over to me a few weeks back!

I had a very similar situation today which i used to act out 2 weeks ago. I had errands to run driving in the car and a limited amount of time to do it, i felt pressured not to take too long to come home and not leave my wife with the kids for too long, it was a nice sunny day, so lots of people would be around.

Today, however, i remained calm, i didnt let the rid build, i knew where it would lead. I calmed myself, i have plenty of time, why do i need to get so panicky, so it doesn't all work - big deal, ill try again tomorrow. lo and behold i came back with plenty of time to spare and was serene. its amazing how much our perspective influences how we will react to given situations!

I had a small victory today for the 1st time. I spoke with my partner just as i was about to act out, i had all the keilim, a specific video, he convinced me to delete it and we debated about it a little and then i did.

But it felt so bad afterwards, i felt like i lost my prize rather than i had had a victory. i eventually ended up falling and acting out in a different way but i pushed it off for 3 hours. Those 3 hours were really difficult though, tremendously frustrating. I sopke with my partner later and he told me that those tought times are part of recovering and developing sobriety. Until now, my sobriety runs (my longest here is only 25 days  ) were all whilst i was in a good place, i really didnt start lusting in those days. I realise ive never really white knuckled it, when the going gets tough i give in. this was the 1st time i didnt, even if only for 3 hours and i need to have both skills under my belt (no pun intended ). Im starting to reach out for a help more often and practically realise i cant do it myself.

one small step for mouse...

I know it's not the main issue, but personally, I just can't take the counting. It's a machloh to me. Yechhhh. But if you are absolutely sure that it is working for you and that it helps you, gezunterheit!

Now I'll go and mind some of my own business.

The following is a thought that I use to give chizuk to myself:

(It only works when not in a depressed state of mind!)

[quote="Yosef Hatzadik ]
But Hashem sees all those moments when we had the urge to ____ and didn't! The flesh & blood partners know nothing of this.

We do not know the 'weights' of [i]mitzvos [/i]or [i]aveiros[/i]. In all likelihood, the merit of resisting the urge once can quite possibly outweigh by far the negative of succumbing a few times! After all, Hashem knows our Yetzer, He know how difficult it is to stay pure. Is it far fetched to say that the odds are stacked against our keeping ourselves holy?
[/quote]

In fact, my [b]most [/b]favorite line in the Machzor is: [i]Emes, ki atta hu yotzrom, v'atta yodei'a yitzram, ki heim basar v'dom![/i]

Dov - please feel free to bring your business here as often as you want - i learn only how to move forward from you! i find it hard not to count, im a cheshboning kinda person and i wanna keep track on how im doing... its not helping per se, but i dont think its hindering either...

yh - thanks for the chizuk, i always liked that line too, its very comforting!

today, i pulled a leaf out of steve's book. I was having a really good surrendering day, it was the 1st day triggers were really coming and i was able to surrender with the help of my partner. The same two exact triggers came up in the morning that did yesterday morning and led me down the acting out path, but today, i surrendered to Hashem and was liberated from the battle - a beautiful feeling.

It was going really well till after seder i went to our local kosher supermarket and i saw the kind of frum not quite dressed tsanua enoughgirl that i ahve made my fetish and i stared at her good and proper for a few seconds. Then i thought like steve always says, hang on a minute, ive been surrendering all day, why not now, whats the real problem. I realised i was agonising over which type of salad my wife would have wanted and i couldnt decide. I realised, im too indecisive, i get stressed out when i hvae to make decisions, coz im afraid ill make a mistake! thats my ego talking! who cares if i make a couple of mistakes, im human! now that was tremendously liberating!

Wow.

never noticed this mouse until now.
Thank you mouse.

Quite humbling, but you are teaching me a lot.

an honest mouse wrote on 02 Sep 2010 23:15:


I count too, but not daily, only monthly (at first) then every six months, then yearly. A loose account of days, just so that milestones are noticed is good for me, it seems. As far as keeping track of how you are doing...no criticism here, I just have to blurt out that I really do not believe you are doing anything. Hashem is doing. You are allowing Him to do it for you, that's all. Perhaps I'm putting words into your mouth, but that really is the way I need to see it, and I do things on a regular basis to remind myself of that fact. Once I 'take' the power, I believe I will become unhelpable again.

Dov, don't you think that when he wrote "How I am doing" he meant it as in "Where the process is up to"??

thanks i hear the ha'orah. Dov, i have a 2 questions to ask.
1) In the past week, I have been surrendering to Hashem properly, when i have the urge to lust, for the 1st time really. I take a deep breath, calm myself and say something to the effect of take it away from me, or look after me, protect me, take way my RID... but although it removes the lust in that moment, the memory of the girl keeps popping back later and the urge becomes much stronger coupled with resentment that i didnt act on the opportunity, its as if im only postponing it in my subconcious - how do i surrender it totally, 100% with every fibre of my being?

2) my week has been very skitso, half the days being the most serene and with Hashem since I can remember and the other half spent with a stronger and more compulsive urge to act out than usual. Do you have any possilbe explanation for this?

can i just say a massive thank you for all the time you give to me on this thread, it gives so much chizuk, you have so much to give over and i appreciate it all!

honest mouse,
kutan can only say that watching your progress is truly an inspiration.
Maybe lust is still hanging on by its fingernails to you, but your introspection and willingness to work are 100%.
honest is really appropriate in your title.
its is really inspiring me.
Hopefully one day I'll be able to be a honest shepsele.
k