an honest mouse wrote on 09 Aug 2010 21:31:


If you think that being once(!) on call made you act nicer toward your wife, can you imagine what you will be like after 3 months?!?!

im looking forward to finding out!

Steve & Duvid Chaim promise..............!!!!

Honest mouse,

Welcome on the call.

Please volunteer often to read. We always enjoy a change from our dry accent.

Keep in touch pal,

David

today on the call, steve asked us if we had had a moment where we thought, hey before i would have lusted or acted out right now in this situation but i just dont need/want to right now. I had one of those moments tonight. Recently whenever i would drive to my parents to visit i would drive around and lust, i would spend much less time with them, blame in on traffic or something and beat myself up about it, feeling terrible that i did that instead of spending time with them. Tonight as i drove towards them, i suddenly realised that i was driving straight there! it made me feel so warm and so good and that i was actually being a proper son!

david712 - i was wondering if it was you, i remember our similar set of circumstances around pesach time with our wives being out of action for a long time. thanks for the warm welcome! i cant make it tomorrow but i look forward to hearing you again on wednesday!

Yes honest it was me.  Hope all is going well by you???!!! See you on the call. (it's Wednesday did i hear you?)

sorry, i meant thursday, i couldnt make it today. - tomorrow iy'H!

ive got my longest streak going since shabbos nachamu (2 clean days...  :-[ )

As we learned- it will take willingness.

On our own it's impossible as we have come to learn. So hold on tight and enjoy the ride. :D

Do you have anyone you call in time of need? I am seeing and hearing that it is one of the best tools in an emergency.

thanks i see that too! im sorting out a partner or two, p.G. do you have someone?

7 days...

yesterday evening as i was walking to my car from shul, i was feeling a little fidgity and restless and i just wanted to look around and be entertained, to be able to feast my eyes on something that looked good...bH i turned my head up to the sky to look at the sunset colours (sorry about the "u", we do that over here...) in the sky and then i noticed the amazing green colours of the leaves on the trees, indeed i got my wish, i feasted my eyes on something beautiful but in a pure and uplifting way, i felt connected to Hashem at that moment and it was beautiful... how different things could have been... thank you GYE and thank you steve's call!!

i felt very frustrated most of today, for the 1st time i called someone from the call and just the fact that there was someone else who has the same ups and downs and understands what im going through was enough to lift my mood!

Was your mood lifted by that guy as high as the beautiful sky or only the amazing green leaves??  : : :

That is fantastic! I hope that you feel good about the experience, about discovering a new beauty in the world...in you.

a lot to report.

i fell twice yesterday, almost allowed myself to get sucked in to the yh/addiction saying i obviously have no hope if i cant stay clean now that im part of the phonecall group. then i remembered what we said on the call, that the quality of the recovery before the fall is the most important thing and bH it was very good quality before the fall - also it takes time, im not gonna be magically sober for the rest of my life just because i joined the call, i have to work the program and its still early days.

I also know what triggered the rid that led to the fall, i get stressed out and anxious when i have a lot to do and limited time and when the kids are around me and misbehaving at that time, i feel the need to escape, to run away and to medicate, so i have to learn how to react in a healthy way to the stress, anxiety and misbehaving kids...

Today as i was walking with my wife and kids, on the other side of the road, i noticed my neighbour that is always a big trigger for me, i remembered what steve said about the 1st look being on G-d and now its my choice and i looked down ahead of me and thought calmly, i dont need this, i have Hashem and the group with me - i just dont need it.

Laslty, my parents went away for a week again, those of you who are regulars will remember that i always fall and go use the internet there, i gave my wife the key to the alarm, to hold whilst they're away, i always was scared to do that coz she might challenge me why, what have i done in the past, but i thought stop being ridiculous, its more important to have that fence up to block me, than to avoid the discomfort of the possible question.

onwards and upwards!

Not knowing what program you are working or what you are doing at all, really (it's none of my biz anyway), I just want to wish for you that you fight lust as little as possible and busy yourself with mentally and physically with taking the actions of love towards others instead. Every single time it comes up.

All the eitzos in the world can drive me deeper and deeper into living to fight lust. And in the end, the lusting and the preoccupation with fighting it was all just a distraction from living! Nothing more. I was told that Recovery is about how to learn that and live it.

Hatzlocha!

Love,

Dov

dov - its totally your business because you teach me so much, you are a major beacon of light in the dark and mirky waters of trying to trully commit to recovery. To explain, im on steves early morning call for reading through the big book and starting to work the 12 steps...

my internet has been not working and i have some catching up to do...

shabbos i had an aha moment - fantasies and memories started to flood me whilst resting shabbos afternoon, i almost despaired how can i ever avoid sudden memories?? then i remembered to ask, what RID was causing it, i was feeling resentful towards my wife that she had a longer sleep shabbos afternoon, the lust was just a consequence and a cover up for the real issue! im gonna try and do that every time.

im a total idiot! i posted that i gave my wife the key because i decided to do it and i wouldnt get to the internet for a few days, but i never actually got around to giving it her  :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[  i went to my parents to view porn this morning...

on a happier note, i had a trigger this morning, a triggery lady asked me to help her find something and i used the opportunity to drink her in and felt 'connected to her' so i sosed my partner and he helped through it.  been a bit of a rollercoasterish day though and i need to let go and start taking each hour at a time...