Hi I have probably neede to find this site a long time ago. I am definetly addicted to znus. I recently left Kollel, from a very chashuva kolllel. If I wouldn't have my problems I probably would have shtieged to be a chashuva magid shiur. After a couple of weeks of working in a mossad in a closed office, and having terrible michsholim, I finally instaled web chaver, so that took care of that inyan, Baruch Hashem. However when ever I see a lady I am immediately looking if I can find something not tzinius to look at. In the out of town city where I live,there are many mom and pop stores which sell magazines. Lately Boruch Hashem, they have started selling them in plastic bags, but if Iam ever alone in the car, I will always look for such stores to find magazines. I have called phone dating places many times, but i am loathe to spend money, so that is somewhat of a protection. I wouldn't want my wife to question CC charges. I am Boruch Hashem happily married withfive chilren. I am happy with my wife. I do have taivas do be with her in ways that are assur, because of wha i have seen, specifically things whih are Bal Tishaktzu. That is one area which I am very afraid I could one day fall completely, because i know there is no way I can do it B'heter. I hope that by coming to this ssite, I will find the strength and guidance to get my self under control

bs"d

Hi dovid,

thank you for your post. I have/had similar issues (looking at women etc) and got a lot of help here. I am a new human being. May HaShem bless you and free you from your addiction.

Hi Dovid
One thing that I've realised after a lot of falls, not necessirily on your level, beacuse I'm still a Bochur, is that more than the yetzer horoh wants you to fall, it wants you to get depressed, because what the the yetzer horoh can accomplish with depression is extremely powerful. the baal shem tov says this.

If you stick around on this site, and take the things that they say seriously and are really determined to try and change, you seriously will, no matter how far you think you have come, believe me we have seen it. in cases even worse than yours, %100 worse, and they've completely turned around, read the guard you eyes handbook, and attitude book, it's real gold, try and implement one or two steps to start off with from the handbook.

Shavuos is an amazing time to change, to take on hachlotos that you're gonna put in an effort, thats all you can do. Even if you might slip, as long as youre on the rise and not on the fall, that's the main thing.

Try and say Tikkun Lail Shavuos, it really is a "tikun" there are many sources for this, I don't know them off the top of my head. But it's really important, there's an amazing story with the shaloh hakadosh and reb yosef kayro about it, I dont have time to type out the whole story, if anyone does pls do. but suffice it to say, that it's very important.

Hatzlocoh Raboh, never give up, there is still hope, and take it easy on yourself, you sound like a good guy, you just have a problem in one part of your life, which bothers you, and which youre commited to working on.

Hashem has given you the problem and hashem has given you the inner coychos to deal with it, like we say Ain Hakodosh Boruch Hoo, Boh Bitrunyo al habriyos.
he never gives us something which we can't deal with!!

Kabolas Hatorah Besimcha OObipnimiyus!!!

Dear Dovid,

Welcome to our community. You have come to the right place. And you have come at the right time, just in time to be Mekabel the Torah anew.

If you've read a little bit through this forum, I’m sure you'll quickly realize that you are not alone and that we get cries for help like yours many times a day, both by e-mail and on the forum. The common denominator of us all, is an addiction to lust. It doesn't matter whether it is on-line, magazines, or even doing things prohibited with one's own wife.

As "Net" mentioned above, we put a lot of effort into writing up handbooks that contain all the tools to breaking free of this addiction, in progressive order. These are tools that we in the GYE community have gathered together - through hundreds of people's experiences over the years. These tools can help anyone, no matter what stage of addiction they might be at. Whether someone is just struggling a little, or whether they have tried countless times to break free with all types of advice and tricks, these handbook will be able to guide them on the right path. (See below for links to the handbooks).

Basically, it seems you've been going through this cycle of addiction for a while already... getting up, falling, getting up, falling. We could offer you lots of Chizuk, but it would last a few days and then wear off again. Instead, we want to help you in a way that will be much more effective and systematic. By reading the handbooks and exploring what tools you've tried and which you haven't - we can work together and discuss your battle plan (along with the others on the forum) step by step, tool by tool. This will give us a clear "Framework" to work in, and will help you make progress, slowly but surely, for the long term - and not just some chizuk that will quickly wear off...

We are here for you and we will do our best to offer chizuk and help you along for as long as it takes, but let's do it within a systematic framework so that the progress can be outlined and mapped, and you will finally be able to break free of this endless cycle of addiction...

Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook
This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude
The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth...

I would even go as far as to say, that if you print out the handbooks before Shavuos, there could perhaps be nothing greater for you in your situation than to read them on even Shavu'os night itself! This way, you will be able to be Mekabel Torah in the morning with a whole new hope and perspective! (If not Shavu'os night, at least by day and over Shabbos)...

But obviously, it takes a lot more than just "reading" the handbooks. They only provide tools and guidelines. But we need to USE those tools if we want to really see progress. For more on this, see particularly yesterday's Chizuk e-mail. It's #489 on this page (scroll down).

Which reminds me, make sure to sign up for the daily Chizuk e-mails over here.

Have a great Yom-Tov of RENEWAL and may Hashem be with you!

Dovid, I hear you and understand you 100%. In my case, looking at women became a most natural thing, to the point that my eyes always veered AS IF BY THEIR OWN POWER in the direction of a young attractive female. Moreover, looking has always given me a sensation of physical satisfaction. With Hashem's help, since I joined this site, for the last 50+ days, I have made a quantum leap in this regard. This however has been very difficult. For me, averting my eyes is very painful as I feel deprived from what used to be an enourmous satisfaction. In my experience, I need to be extremely machmir and dont look at anything that I dont have to.
As written somewhere, in this site, howevever, I realize that the pain of not looking is a healing pain and is definetely a much better pain that the one felt after looking.


[b]This is perhaps the most important piece of information I have read in my life:  www.guardureyes.com/GUE/FAQ/FAQ43.asp

Dearest Reb Dovid,

Since u r a talmid chocom the YH is out to get u down in the worst possible way, as the gemorah says "btalmidie chacomimyose mkulom". On the other hand since u r a talmus chochom u have access to an ocean of chizuk in the seforim hakdoshim.
The main thing is never forget that despite any falls u may have had u r an absolute tzadik and a Talmud Chochom!!
The main thing is to keep a "kesher" and a "zikka" to Rabinu Guard and the holy tzadikim on this forum. Guarnteed!!
Chazak V'amatz ur sruggle and courage to open up here inspires me. Keep the "kesher"

bs"d

Thanks yakovyosef,

i also have this problem, but had not yet read this page of FAQ. There are some really helpful thoughts in it and i needed to read them.

(BTW, i know you didn't write the FAQ, but in point "4" it kind of singles out the non-Jews as being able to do whatever they want. Actually the "4th" of the 7 noachide laws concerns intimacy. See here: www.aish.com/wallcam/7_noachide_laws.asp. And as GUE pointed out in today's chizuk email in order to get over our addiction we also learn from NJs...)

Gut Yom-Tov!

Dearest Heilige Brother Dovid
welcome to our family.My name is bradichev if you read my post you will see I get vey emotional.You struck an emotional cord with me .I have a similar past I also learned in Kollel for many years.B"H.

The first thing the very first thing you need to know is that you are NORMAL.
I in my addiction "REDD ZICH AIYN"(convinced myself ) that I am Nuts.Therefore I am weak in the area of controlling my eyes my lust etc.

The second thing is you can and you will be helped stay on these forums they are a LIFESAVER .It is the most important thing you can do.

number threeDont take the menuval head on be cool and calm.Take it one hour at a time.

number four find posotive things to do get youself agood chavrusah a good shiur etc.just because you left kollel dose not mean you don"t Need to  learn bekvius.

Find a Rov who you are comfortable to discuss holchos tznius with.It will help you alot.

LAST BUT MOST IMPORTANT BE BESIMCHA Y"H HATES SIMCHA .KI bESIMCHA SEI-TZI-U!!!

humble and happy
bardichev

I want to thank everyone for there help and support. I will have to try to print out those booklets, I don't think it is right to use my office printer for it. I hope to find chizuk here. I would love to see that I can really beat it once and for all. Thank you again, and A lichteg Shavuos!

YOU WILL!!

GUT YOM TOV

Gevalt dear Reb Dovid!

In short, I got sober after over ten years of marriage, fooling my wife and getting worse and worse. I lived a double life. I do not know of anyone like us who got better without a lot of help. B"H there is help and it is not going away. I found mine in SA, which has meetings in many cities and strong frum groups available in a few cities, as well. This website seems to be a great place for yidden to get support and to help us overcome our shame and hiding enough to start really admitting the truth about themselves to people who understand. There are a lot of people who do. Most folks "out there" do not, though...
Your short but clear description of your problem gave me a lot of gratitude for being sober today with Hashem's help. At the same time, it was painful  to remember what it was like to be pulled totally out of control to do many things that were ruining my marriage, family, and sanity. You write that you have had this problem in some form for a long time. Is it progressing?
You write about pornography, dating services, and unfulfilled tayvos. Behind it all I hear fear and frustration with your lack of control when it comes to lust. You call it znus. I am sure it all seems like a black pit from which there is no escape. Do not believe it for a second. There is help, and it won't come from your wife, nor from getting whatever you desire, either! I have been there and I know many others who also have.

As of today, my wife and I have had many years of improving marriage in every respect, because of: 1) sobriety, and
                                                   2) me taking responsibility to learn what I need to do in order to live one day at a time without the destructive garbage ruling my life. If I can, anyone can.

It sounds like something has happened that helped make your mind up that you need help fast. Is this correct?
If you think it would be helpful to get more specific about any of this, then I'd suggest staying connected with the people on this site and speaking to a rov who understands these issues and addiction for guidance. Please do not forget you are loved by the Ribono she olam more than anyone else can love you, even with your worst mishigasen.

dovid wrote on 28 May 2009 00:58:


This is the type of situation where guidance from a Rav, who understands your situation and where you're coming from, can be very helpful, as Dov noted above.  Some of the "prohibitions" between husband and wife (when she is NOT a Niddah) may not be forbidden mei'Ikar Hadin, might possibly be waived for someone who is in serious danger of doing much worse aveiros, or might be permissible if done only occasionally.  If you are embarrassed to contact a Rav who knows you, it might help to contact one who does not.  However, you are more likely to get a helpful response if the Rav knows who he is talking to, rather than where the Rav is speaking to an anonymous stranger over the phone (with caller ID blocked).  Perhaps the best solution would be to speak to a Rav who does not know you, but in person.  This would allow the Rav to see your sincerity and to give you an appropriate Psak for your situation.  Of course, if you are comfortable speaking with your own Rav, that would be ideal.

www.guardureyes.com/GUE/FAQ/FAQ27.asp

The link in R. Guard's post addresses some of the possible Heterim.  Some of what I write below can be found in the link as well, but in different words.

As opposed to pornography and masturbation, the starting point with one's wife, Lehavdil, is that everything is permitted according to the letter of the law (when she is not a Niddah), although there are a few exceptions.  When one is in doubt, or has extenuating circumstances, it can be very helpful to speak to a Rav, as discussed in my previous post.

Yes there are levels of Kedusha to strive for in the long term, but there are times that one would do well to simply follow the letter of the law in this area.  When using a site like www.jewishsexuality.com, keep in mind that your Rav (and the strict Halacha) may take a more lenient approach in many cases.

Dearest new reb Dovid -

This may not apply to you. Still it may, so please consider it.
I need to share with you that the last thing that I was able to deal with in any sensible and useful way, was my sexuality, boruch Hashem. Part of the reason is that it involves my wife, so it's very complicated and needs a lot of recovery to see it in an uncomplicated and useful way.
But the main reason is just because the particulars of what I desire has absolutely nothing to do with why we are acting out, nor does it have anything directly to do with getting better. I found this out in recovery. I saw people who never learned this end up never getting better, stuck in a holding pattern of, "yeah, but I am different". I saw many folks delay any real recovery because of a perceived need that, "I gotta resolve this particular problem or there'll be no hope I'll ever get better." This is sheker and deadly. One friend of mine who did just that, just got out of jail...and he is still not taking a step forward.
 
Wait - in the beginning I was convinced that what I desired to do with my wife was #1 on the list of issues that had to get solved! I discovered otherwise. What I needed to solve first, was and is my naturally self-centered attitude. In addiction, I naturally focus on my goodness, my frumness, my holiness, my teshuva, etc. It was very hard just letting go of some of the many slightly sick ways I was used to thinking even in teshuvaand to begin learning what my real priorities are. I do not mean being able to say what they are, I mean really knowing it so I behave that way.
So, please, do not mistake me. It is essential to be honest and clear about exactly what bothers you. But once that was clear and written down, the lesson I needed to draw from my list was, "Wow. It is amazing that a guy as nice and spiritual as myself ( I really am, as you seem to be) can also be so totally self-centered and self-absorbed! I need a lot of help just to focus on being useful to others and do the work I need to do to get better!" Hashem took and is taking care of every last one of my desires and needs, in His own, beautiful way.