I realized something:

I'm the kind of guy who likes to do a lot reserch before committing to something. For example, buying an expensive appliance. I like to educate myself about things before doing them. In this case, that meant reading through the handbooks before starting the 90 day thing. But that's a mistake. I need to start it as soon as possible and read the books concurrently. Even if I fall along the way it's better than waiting until I've read all that and then committing once I feel I can do it all the way through. It's about taking the first step, not some quantum leap to the end. We are not atoms. Our "energy levels" (progress) are not quantized.

I believe General Patton once said “A good solution applied with vigor now is better than a perfect solution applied ten minutes later.”

guardureyes wrote on 08 Jun 2009 11:09:




The only problem with that is that I can't seem to go 3 days clean so I can start.

Do one hour at a time.  Getting a good night's sleep can increase your hours exponentially! 

Myabe you are engaged in research, as you mention in the post above. We all do a lot of research before committing to something big. This recovery thing is pretty big and requires a change in attidude. My attitudes, be they wise or otherwise are among my most prized posessions and, "I'd rather fight than switch." (you may be too young to remember that goofy cigarrette commercial)
There is nothing abnormal or stupid about what you seem to be experiencing. We all need to reach a point at which any further research is just too costly and will need to be left to "more capable hands" to finish for us, as it were. Then we run, fall, or blunder into recovery. Some of us seem to quietly slip into recovery as though we knew it all along...and, nu, it still works!!

I'm not sure I completely understood that. But it IS costly. I'm studying for a big exam to get into grad school and when I "act out" the whole day is shot. Quality of studying basically doesn't exist. Not good. But I need to stop this behavior for reasons that are bigger than this exam.

Dear Bruce

In the UK I constantly see adverts claiming 100% satisfaction guaranteed or your money back! I am sure you see them in the States too.  Well this program is not offering 100% satisfaction but it does offer you a life! Try it, if it does not work we can refund you all your misery and suffering. What have you got to loose.

I too have this tendency to analyse, but look where my best thinking got me. Sometimes I have to admit defeat, I am beaten as far as this addiction goes and I have to listen to the people who have gone before me and have been successful in overcoming this horrendous addiction.  This is what AA's 12 & 12 (the guide to working the steps) says in Step 1 "Who cares to admit complete defeat? Practically no one, of course. Every natural instinct cries out against the idea of personal powerlessness. It is truly awful to admit that, glass in hand, we have warped our minds into such an obsession for destructive drinking that only an act of Providence can remove it from us. No other kind of bankruptcy is like this one. Alcohol, now become the rapacious creditor, bleeds us of all self-sufficiency and all will to resist its demands. Once this stark fact is accepted, our bankruptcy as going human concerns is complete.  But upon entering A.A. we soon take quite another view of this absolute humiliation. We perceive that only through utter defeat are we able to take our first steps toward liberation and strength. Our admissions of personal powerlessness finally turn out to be firm bedrock upon which happy and purposeful lives may be built."

A few paragraphs later the 12 & 12 says this:

"We had approached A.A. expecting to be taught self-confidence. Then we had been told that so far as alcohol is concerned, self-confidence was no good whatever; in fact, it was a total liability. Our sponsors declared that we were the victims of a mental obsession so subtly powerful that no amount of human willpower could break it."

Try working the program in bite sizes hour by hour day by day keep posting read the tools in the GYE Handbook, and listen to the suggestions and you will be amazed by how much your life can change in a very short period of time.  In my first post on this forum approx 6 weeks ago I was stuck in a rut and could not see any way out, but thank G-d I am now working hard on my program and getting sober again one day at a time and I can tell you that the mental fuzz, the foggy cloud that was my constant companion is slowly leaving the cravings and obsession to act out are also slowly leaving me.

Keep coming back.

London

OK folks...

It's been a few days since my last post but not since my last fall.
Three clean days are coming: Shabbos, Sunday, and Monday.
Then I'm starting on my way to 90, beginning Tuesday.
I'm announcing this to be accountable.
I can't live this way anymore, as I've said before. Perhaps being held accountable will help me achieve that.

You know it's bad when you're thankful that Shabbos is pretty much a guarantee of 24 clean hours so that your mind can take a break. And if not your mind, then your body. And the best way to ensure that is to just sleep all day. Sleep the urges into oblivion, for at least a day.
There have been times when I didn't even go to shul because I knew that the young women there would be a trigger. Just slept it all away.
But that's no way to live. Or to sleep.

Hey Bruce, we've been wondering where you were ... Did you see Chizuk e-mail #499 (on this page at the bottom)?

That was sent out to 540 members. We are all waiting with baited breath to take the PLUNGE!

I did. I get the emails.
Tuesday's the day.

Bruce-
Please keep posting your struggles. We are on a great purpose here and as long as we are focused on improving, everything (even a fall) is part of the journey to Avodas Hashem! So please please keep posting and we will keep reading every word. Thank you for providing us Chizuk through your honesty and determination.

So Shabbos was clean, even though I had to sleep all day to keep from going crazy.
Today is halfway done, which means I'm halfway to 3 clean days.
Update tomorrow.

BTW. Although you need 3 clean days to get up on the 90-day chart, that doesn't mean you start your 90 days on Tuesday. You started already on Shabbos. Tuesday is your 3rd day clean! So MAZAL TOV ON YOUR STARTING and I want to see that it's true what you said, that when you get hell-bent on something, nothing can stop you. Go on, let's see. INSPIRE US!

Sunday was clean. That's 2.

Remember each day to set a 24-hour goal.  At this point, your goal should be to make it onto the chart.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Once you're on the chart, your goal should be to build on your success, one day at a time.  But I'm jumping ahead - let's concentrate on today only.

Of course, there may be times that 24 hours is too long.  Under those circumstances, set hourly goals.

Monday was clean. That's 3, which means that today I start on chart to 90!
I'll be making another thread where I'll keep track of that. I don't even care if nobody reads it, but I have to do it as a way to stay accountable.

Update later, probably tomorrow.