hello .i'm trying to begin opening up and talking and getting chizuk in this area. i'd like to know how how to begin. i guess the biggest thing i've needed that i haven't had is someone to be open w/ who won't brush me off.you won't believe how many people don't want to talk about this. but for years i've known that the only thing that will help me break this is to get it out in the open .someone out there willing to listen?

Welcome niceguy,
Many of us are still struggling but you have just begun your first step toward change. This is a struggle we got to work on and we won’t give up.  Try posting in the Sponsors & Accountability Partners section for a sponsor.  Visit www.GuardUrEyes.com for advice and tips.

niceguy,

The first step to recovery, is realizing that you cannot do it alone, without Hashem's help! If you didn't find a sponsor yet, please feel free to email me at Halachfortoday@yahoo.com and I will try to guide you in the right direction.

Chazak V'Ematz.

Dear niceguy,

The fact you are writing here means you acknowledge the problem. That is already a big first step. And it also means you are "ba litaher" - and chaza"l say "haba litaher misayen oso" - meaning: "One who comes to be purified is helped". There are a few things you need to know as you start out on your journey to recovery, sobriety and new found freedom in your life.

The first thing you need to know is that the phenomenon you are dealing with is not because you have huge desires and can't seem to be able to deal with them. Rather, you are simply dealing with an "addiction". It is important to understand this because, as an addiction, it can be dealt with in many tried and proven ways and methods.

There are two prerequisites to being helped.
1) You must truly believe you can be helped (reading the recovery stories on our site can help you with this)
2) you must truly want to be helped (your own suffering and distance from G-d, along with reading the stories of people suffering from the other 3 stages, can help you with this as well).

Just the fact that you are seeking help means you already mainly have these two conditions - but these two conditions must be strong and finely tuned. Be ready to give your addiction and disease over to the care of G-d. Be ready to trust G-d that he will care for you, as you heal.

Know, that the first few weeks are the hardest. Once you have put some distance between yourself and the addiction, it gets a lot easier.

For someone starting out on their journey, I highly suggest the following 4 steps.

1) It's too hard to have all the garbage within a mouse-click's reach. Install a good reliable internet filter that you can't get around. Let someone you trust hold the password. If you must have open internet access for your work, at least install "Accountability Software". When you know that someone you respect will see every site you visited, it will help you control the urge to stray.

2) If you haven't yet, join our daily chizuk list and get stronger each day!

3) Read one or two of the tips on the website every day and try to implement them if possible. (Don't read too many at once; bite too much and you won't be able to swallow anything).

4) Join the weekly hotline. Group support is very important, and this hotline is the first time that religious people can get the benefit of group support and trained therapists in an anonymous way! The counselors on the phone are trained, (religious) and they "get it". And you can probably also find a "sponsor" in the group for accountability and help when you're feeling weak.

May G-d be with you, and never stop praying!

ok i'll try to read the success stories.there is a part of me that wants very badly to be helped . but there is also a part that doesn't at all.right now i got my wife to password block the whole net except for a few white listed sites that only she can allow. but my mind is constantly trying to figure out ways to sabotage it.i've been this close to bringing in the whole computer to the shop to unlock the password behind her back.its crazy , even blocking it isn't stopping me .my wife is on my side and trying to help me but i'm also secretly fighting her at the same time.

My good man!

Filters can be tricky to trick, but they can also be tricky to fully help.
See this page that I wrote once, to help someone like you who wanted the filter to REALLY be fool-proof.

As far as wanting to be helped yet not wanting to, this is the very real battle of the Yetzer Tov and yetzer Hara that you are experiencing! See the "Battle Cry" that I just sent out to the members of the chizuk list. Read it and get yourself worked up to finally TAKE A STAND, like a soldier being rallied in the heat of the battle against the enemy!

Yes, the times when the Yetzer Hara realizes that you are ready for real to give up the evil addiction, that's when he tightens the screws, and convinces you with all sorts of rationalizations that you "simply cannot" give it up. He makes you feel helpless and as if you are a slave to your addiction.

Dont let him win you over again!!

Think about it objectively. Try looking at yourself from an outsider's perspective.

Imagine you were peeking in the window of your room and watching yourself!

What do you see?

You see an otherwise intelligent, caring, mature man sitting staring at a screen at images that arent even real, and were produced by the lowest people alive today.

You see people on the screen doing disgusting things that if your wife would do, you would never respect her ever again, and perhaps even divorce her.


You see yourself getting aroused by this garbage. You see yourself doing things to yourself that will cause you endless pain and suffering in the next world.

You see yourself spilling seed in vain, and creating countless angels of wrath that will haunt you for all eternity.

You see yourself having "imagined pleasure" for 30 seconds, followed by "real guilt" for a lot longer afterwards.

It's pretty horrible and despicable, dont you agree?

But it gets worse...

Now, imagine......

Instead of you at the window watching yourself, it was your wife watching this whole horrible scene unfolding.....or your rebbe...or your best friend....or your children (G-d forbid).....

You would do anything in the world to un-do the fact that these loved ones ever saw you in such a state of evil weakness, and wish you never ever had done it even once!!

The shame of that happening would be unbearable.....

Well, hopefully your loved ones never saw you in a state of masturbation, and hopefully you will never do it again....

BUT....remember....Hashem is ALWAYS at the window (It says about Hashem that he is a "Mashgiach Min Hachalonos"). He saw everything you did. He sees you now. He will see you if you ever do such a vile thing again!

The shame of Hashem seeing you like this, is the most unbearable shame imaginable. The judgement for living in sin like this is indescribable.....

But, Hashem also loves you (more than any of your "loved ones") and has brought you here to this website, amongst people who have struggled with the same issues as you. Hashem is telling you that he is willing to forgive the past, if you repent, and willing togive you the strength to overcome in the future, if you really want to!

THE YETZER HARA WILL DO EVERYTHING IN HIS POWER TO MAKE IT ALL SEEM OK. HE WILL MAKE THE GIRLS ON THE SCREEN SEEM REAL AND PLEASURABLE. HE WILL MAKE THE FEELING OF MASATURBATION FEEL LIKE THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD. HE WILL MAKE IT SEEM AS IF YOU ARE ALONE IN THE PRIVACY OF YOUR ROOM. HE WILL MAKE IT SEEM AS IF YOU WERE BORN WITH THIS INADEQUACY AND HASHEM UNDERSTANDS THAT AS A HUMAN YOU HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO MASTURBATE.

DO NOT LISTEN TO THE YETZER HARA!!! HE HAS ONLY ONE THING IN MIND: BRINGING YOU DOWN FOR ETERNITY!

ONLY HASHEM HAS YOUR BEST INTERESTS IN MIND, AND WANTS YOU TO RUN BACK TO HIM FAST!!!

CHAZAK V'EMATZ!!!!