thanks guardureyes. Believe it or not , that link you sent me , happened to be my comment about 1 year ago . I have signed in anonymously now under a new name , as I forgot the old name I used.

Obviously , the problem continues .  And I usually try to be happy in serving HaSh-m , but I am a sincere person , and when there is a Keri , I feel the spiritual loss in myself , my mind is thick , and the Divine energy is further away .

Perhaps I will elaborate more on my life story here.

I am a Baal teshuva , and as such , I was raised in a secular home , devoid of Torah and mitzvot. Although my parents are good jewish people, and I always went to a jewish school.  I was exposed to pornography , as a young boy , as occurs readily in the secular world.
at age 11 I stole an adult magazine. To this day that act pains me. The desire to get the magazine was so strong , I acted in a way that was contrary to my upbringing , and character .  After that, at the tender age of 11 , I learnt the feeling of guilt , and shame , and developed a desire to always be a good person .( many years later at age 24 , I returned to that shop and asked if I could give them money to rectify that sin , but of course , it was a new owner , and he thought I was crazy ) . Anyway, after that , I never looked at porn again , until age 15 , when some friends of mine bought me an adult magazine for my 15 birthday. from that time on , I began masturbating frequently, and waisting seed. What began , as a natural attraction to pictures of women , and the natural consequences of waisting seed, grew into more and more magazines , and frequent , almost daily acts of waisting seed. Even as a secualr jew , with no knowledeg of Torah , I ALWAYS felt guilty and shameful after each and every act of masterbation and waisting seed This addiction grew stronger and stronger of the years , until through friends , I was introduced into more explicit pornography. evntually , I found myself even entering , very embarassingly , adult porn shops, and buying magazines  to feed my habit. then I bought a video ( this all proceeded the advent of internet ) .  throughout those years , I went from being a very bright , energic , and confident boy , to a teenager , who had difficulty making lasting relationships. Even though  being secular , the yetzer harah , was unbridled , and interactions with girls was something encouraged by peers, schooling , and even parents ,  the adiction to pornography affected my abilty to make relationships , and distorted the way I viewed females , and thus definately ,( in retrospect) , ironically,  kept me further away from real life sexual relationships - trapped  in my own little selfish , fantasy world , with 2 dimensional girlfriends , that  I could never converse with , and the only relationship I was forming was with myself , and pulled lower, and lower , by my own self indulgence in momentary pleasures which , immediately after were felt as guilt and shame, and loneliness, and isoloation.

Eventually 7 years after this behaviour , which at the time I did not recognise as an addiction ,  I decided that I had had enough of this fantasy world , and feelings of guilt , that in one day , I through out all my pornography - amagazines , and videos. I did have feelings of withdrawl , at the time , feelings of wanting to hold onto at least one magazine , or at least the video , but I threw them all out .
I suppose, I felt that it was all a vitual world , a fantasy world , and that I really should be after the real thing , with real , living women

Following , that I felt the detrimental effects of all the long years of pornography addiction had had on my soul . I felt emotionally immature, my intellectual and spiritual development was stunted ( although I always did well at school , academically ). My views of women / love / sex , were definately distorted.

Without all the details , I eventually , discovered our Jewsh heritage , Torah , mitzvot , Israel, and I had a spiritual explosion within myself ,  I cried out to HaSh-m , and begged for forgivness for my filthy ways , I grew in my knowledge of Torah , and accepted all the mitzvot all at once , withou ever thinking twice. I knew this is the Truth . I immediately realised the need to guard the eyes , and cease all forms of masterbation , and waisting seed . For a whole year , I managed to not waist any seed at all.
after my discovery of Torah , and my quick spiritual liberation , I felt free, pure , growing and happy .... One of the happiest periods in my life

Then , I discovered the internet . And , to my shock , I immediately zoned into pornography again on the net , over a space of 1 week, i veiew hundreds of pornography sites , until it led to waisting seed.  As fast as I had grown spiritually , I fell in one day equally as fast. It was devastating , to feel back to square one , after having discovered torah and mitzvot , and grown so much , that I could be back in the same lowly place I was at the beginning.

I soon understood the great importnace , and severity of  not waisting seed , and tznius ect . from that time on, for 10 years , I never saw pornography again , nor masturbated , nor even touch my private parts again .But even though I consciously thought about Torah , and looked at the world through torah's point of view , obviously subconsciously , the lewd thoughts , and memories of those preteshuva days have imprinted my soul , so that I frequently have seminal emmisions at night , which as I have said devastate me.
I do all the right thing s, I sleep on my side as stated in the shulchan aruch , I dont eat large meals at night , , I try avoid all precipatating factors,  I say tehilllim and shema before sleep , learn torah beore sleep , but nevertheless Keri's still occur.
I am married now , to a very good woman , but I continue to have these nocturnal emissions . She is unaware of it occuring , but it does affect my relationship with my wife and kids , as cyclically , after having a keri , I am down , have no energy or enthusiasm , and am unable to connect with my wife and kids properly , as I go into myself.
withing 2 -3 weeks , after continueing on , increasing in torah , and mitzvot , davenning etc  things improve , and then I fall again , n a nocturnal emmission .


I wonder if I wil ever be able to to rectify the foundations ( yesod ) properly , and that this cycle of keri's will ever cease , so that I can build and grow consistently  and happily .
does anyone else have keri's , is it common , ?? can it stop ?

I do appreciate that through my life , in the development of my sexuality , and striving for sexual purity , in the ways G-d wants it to be , that through the falls and the triumphs , it has made me strong and committed in His ways , in Torah , and I have looked into the depths of Torah , deep , deep places , to rectify such deep , deep defects , related to sexual sins .

It is just that the battle continues , and i feel that it is starting to wear away at me , in that I cannot manage many further falls through keri's at night . it has been a 14 year battle , and the soldiers are tired!

HaSh-m , MUST help .

great story. Wow. It shows the power of Teshuvah! Thank you for sharing.

As far as Keri, why do you let it bother you at all? It is not in your control! Hashem doesn't have complaints against us for what is out of our control! Maybe he just wants to test you to see if you'll remain Besimcha! The Yetzer hara just wants to get us down because then we can't serve Hashem properly!

You are assuming that the nocturnal emminisions are a result of your past, it's not true.
The Torah tells us Yaakov avinu was such a great man he never saw Keri at night. We can see from here that unless you're on a super high level you will see Keri. Don't worry about it one bit. It part of your bodys nature. Nothing to do with improper thoughts. ( if it was with a explicit dream that's a differnt story)

the medrash, and gemara say make a derasha on the pasuk of "Vhol adam loyihyeh beohel moed..." WHy say Kol adam , therre's only one type of human. So the gemara darshens, even malachei hashareis aren't allowed to be there.

R tzaddok hakohen takes this medrash one step further. When the Kohen gadol entered the beis kodesh hakadashim. he was entering the most elevated area of 'space' in the briah, at the most elevated 'time' (within the yearly cycle of time,  time in one aspect renews itself. the sun every 365.25 days), and he himself was the most elevated 'nefesh'. The neshama of the kohen gadol is the nefesh hakoleles, in that is is kolele (encompaces) the aspects of every single neshama of klal yisrael.    THAT kohen gadol. whom when he left the kodesh hakadashim was described as being like the lighting bolts that emanate from the countenance of the chayos hakodesh!! (Kibrakim hayotzim meziv hachayos... mareh kohen)

That kohen gadol was not allowed to go to sleep, because HE may see KERI !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DUDE ! you're in good company! don't lie to yourself! Ones rachmana patrei. take a deep breath and listen to R Efraim Waxman on the three weeks.  (or see r tzadok inside pri tzedek by rosh hashana, which starts quoting this medrash. oh and 2 pirushim on medrash rabah say it (also)

I cant really offer any more advice for you - but just letting you know that your story is very inspiring.
As a side note, a little over a year ago when I first found this site and was trying to break all my habits, I was genuinely worried about Keri. Once I stopped going to this site (due to repeated falls) I have not had Keri. Not hard to realize why - after all, there is a limited amount of sperm in one's body.
Now I'm back. It's weird and sad, but I'm sort of looking forward to having Keri again (just once) - as an indicator that I'm finally beginning to control myself by day.

When you say that you are having Keris quite regularly, how often do you mean exactly?

A chinese doctor once told me that if one had excessively frequent wet dreams, then it was an indication of poor health and insufficient strength. Apparently, men who are weak are unable to hold and contain their essence, so it leaks out, which further weakens the system.

Exercise, a healthy diet and a regular life, together with restraint in sexual relations was recommended.

However, I don't know your precise personal circumstances so this may be totally irrelevant.

TC,

DesertLion

Holy brother,

I have a feeling I'm not alone when I say that I'm envious of your situation. You've managed to beat all the odds to not only become religious after having been brought up in a secular household, but overcome an addiction that plagues almost every member of this website (at least to some extent).

Know that the Y"H doesn't want you to succeed - that's his job and he's damn good at it! He sees that you are succeeding and abstaining from p**n and m and so he tries to attack you on other fronts. Guilt is the most powerful weapon in the Y"H's arsenal because it often comes cloked in righteousness. He wants you to become depressed and C"V fall back into old habits.  DON'T LET HIM WIN! Don't let him get you down for a second more - it's just not worth it!

As Reb Guard says, don't worry about what you can't control! Hashem knows what we are capable of and he knows when we are trying and are sincere. You are not to blame. Move on and be besameach!

First of all - wow. Your accomplishments are truly impressive, and I hope that you smile at yourself in the mirror every morning and remind yourself of how proud hashem is of you.

I'm not here to say anything new - it seems to me to be pretty clear that the yetzer hora's goal right now is to get you down - and so far, you've been letting him succeed.

I think that your goal has to be the opposite of his - in other words, smiling, moving forward, and not letting him hurt you.

As a side point...this might sound weird (and is very possibly wrong), but I sometimes feel like keri is a chance for me to be mechaper on all the times I did things wrong on purpose. When keri happens, it's just a huge mess, it's frustrating, annoying, embarrassing - all the emotions that we SHOULD feel when in that situation - so hashem is helping us feel the way we're supposed to, helping us distance ourselves from this aveirah...maybe?

BH

Thank you all for your responses. i appreciate your advise to beat the yetzer harah , and stay happy.
I do. I am not one to stay depressed , but initially, for a few days after a keri , I cannot help but fell the spiritual loss - my intellectual , and spiritual acuity and sensitivity are definitely affected , something that is hard to ignore, but I usually just continue , with davening , learning torah , at times teshuva and internal regret, as well as daily life like work , exercise etc  , and slowly , slowly , the mind becomes refined again , and more sensitive to HaSh-m , and spirituality , and torah learning .
The only frustrating thing is that it would be a good growth experience , a descent  , that leads to an ascent - however it just recurs , and after 1 month or 2 , .....another keri .

Anyway , I still appreciate all the wonderful advise, council , and chizuk , and that I can express my life story on this site , and see that it is something that occurs to others as well ( I always thought I was very unusual ) .  It is the first time I have ever expressed my hidden life story to anyone , out of embarassment . But this is a mans true , inner battle , and if won , over and over again , the rewards are GREAT  - good life , happiness , sensitivity , and purity , wisdom and insight etc .....

Fellow yidden , may HaSh-m , help you with your challenges and battles , and may you be successful , NOW !!!
when you realise that you actually do your true-self damage , your true inner self , your soul , suffers , when you become sensitive to your own mind and heart , and percieve , that each time you waist seed , it DOES affect you ,  - so you will be motivated to protect yourself , and avoid this trauma to your soul and mind , as one avoids jumping into flames of fire and getting burnt .

Then when you start to avoid , waisting seed , NOW!!, you will start to fill the void of those momentary pleasures , with positive things , such as torah , tefillah , true relastionship s with friends etc , and will feel more content , and happy , and you will grow and develop , day , by day , in healthy directions .
HaSh-m , will bless you if you do His Will,


Success to you all, fellow Yidden ,