Hi,

Ever since I was a child I felt like I was different, lesser than other people. I started acting outout, trying to get attention, validation, trying to humanize myself. I got kicked out of class a lot, bullied the gehennom out of. This feeling followed me through adulthood. I kept on not showing up to work because i felt like i was doing a bad job, until I quit altogether, all the meanwhile engaging in diff different forms of PP&M. Sometimes, after i stopped feeling guiIty about it, it made me somehow feel powerful (when there were other people involved) even supernormal sometimes. It also acted to numb the emptiness.

Now, in my current unemployed situation I feel inadequate because my Davening isn't enough, my Torah learning isn't enough, my volunteer chesed isn't enough. My clean days aren't enough. Slowly the void is filling with the mitzvos and the clean days, but I still feel it sometimes.

Can anyone relate?