I found your website on march 20 it  is the most wonderful thing that happened to me in along time.
I cried my eyes out reading all the machshavos tovos and sincere hirhurei teshuva .
I cried for along time and realized that most of what i thought i was going through was crazy and only happening to me.I cried for the honest people who are trying to save their neshamos save their lives save their marriages save their normalcy.I cried to Hashem to please let me also become a baal teshuva and not just go back and forth and be caught in a vicious cycle.
Shabbos Hachodesh was anew hischadshus for me I felt like air was being filled into a deflated balloon.I cried so hard by kabbolas shabbos my kids were looking at me as if s/t was wrong.I cried by the passuk, ohavei Hashem siu raa shomer nafshie chasidav miyad rishayim yatzileim.I begged Hashem with all my heart that the next Shabbos I will not stand in shame in front of him when I say this passuk again.
That entire shabbos and Sunday i had the opportunity to be involved in a dvar mitzva which was all encompassing I threw my heart and soul into it.Sunday morning I started to monitor my self .I reactivated my accountability program I started keeping a log on paper of every hour that I was in front of my computer.It was really phenomenal to see for myself how many times i would want just to go online for a few minuets .That was my first clean day.(I am not counting the Friday for that was my real hard soul searching day) Monday and Tuesday were very hard but I fought like a lion I was in full control.
I kept on reading all the forum posts stories etc. it was (and is ) my new lifeline.Wednesday and Thursday I was again very busy with a dvar mitzva so i had so little access to my computer it was a breeze.
now here is were it gets interesting Wednesday night i went to a chasuna for the first time in years i felt so happy so excited to be by someones simcha .I cried like a baby by the chuppa. I davened for siyatta dishmaya on my war.Suddenly by this wedding I had almost total control of my eyes,I was ashamed to be in the lobby. I stayed on the dance floor the entire time.by the time shabbos came around I felt such simcha and real kedushas hashabbos it was wonderful.

I don't want to make this email forever long  so I will continue it in parts(if anyone is interested).
bottom line today is day 16 for me .I have one last thought ,the Heilige Kedushas Levy would weep from nachas and be meilitz yosher for all the mevakshie Hashem on this forum.
please put me on your wall.

humbled and happy
bardichev

Baruch Habah to this forum,  Berditchev.


Your post was not long and I would love to hear more.
I am also new here. Finding this site has been a wonderful thing. I am still awed by the honesty, depth of thought and erhlichkeit of all members of this chavura, and by their fire to get closer to Avinu Malkeinu. I just hope that I have the zechut to reach their madrega.

By all means let us know your thoughts so we can give chizuk to each other.
B'chatzlacha.

Welcome home to both of you.  This is a long journey you are about to embark on, but with help you can succeed.  Once you taste the ecstasy of freedom you will never want to go back.  However you have to stop to enjoy and taste the ecstasy.

This is a disease of isolation and a yearning for connection, not only to other people but also to G-d.  It is a disease of the soul.  A soul longing to fill a void, caused probably in the past by abuse, trauma, abandonment and loneliness.  the past makes no difference.  We cannot control the future.  We only have today and for today I am not going to act out in my addiction and I ask G-d to help me do that.

Matters like trauma and abuse require professional help.  Other things can be solved by working the 12 steps of SA or SLAA.  There is a wealth of knowledge on this forum and on this site and I encourage you to read everything you can. 

What you are going through is crazy, that what addiction is.... insanity.  yet we cannot stop without help and Hashem can and will help us WHEN we become a pure vessel ready and willing to accept HIS help BECAUSE we are powerless to stop.  As long as you try to control it, it will bite you.  Surrender and G-d will help you.

it wouldn't hurt to put a block on your computer either.  :D 

Elya wrote on 07 Apr 2009 01:32:


I am familiar with this quote.My question to you is how do really apply it? Is there no milchemes hayetzer?Also it can be as a cop out and say I surrendered.I know that habaa litahher misayin oiso but onr has to be baah litahher.
please give me honest advice(even if it hurts) how to SURRENDER.
TODAY is DAY 16 TOV!
I will not burn my cellphone or my computer I will try to burn whats burning in me.
bardichev

actually its day 17 that is gematria TOV
bardichev

welcome bardichev,
We are so glad you found us.  We need all the warriors we can get.  I was so touched by your post.  Your desperate search for teshuvah  will surely lead you to victory. 

You should realize the tremendous zechus that you have just by making the decision to get back up.

The Rokeach writes (brought down by the tahara hakodesh) that when a person decides to do teshuvah he immediately  ascends to heaven and stands before the throne of glory.

Now I am not sure if this means that a person gets to remain there or not (my hunch is not.  Only through teshuvah shleima can he get back there.), but you should realize now is the time to convince yourself you can do it with the help of Hashem and daven to him with all your might.  Believe me when I tell you that with strong conviction, belief in yourself and belief that only hashem controls you, you can actually remove the desires from your midst.  But daven daven daven.  Daven strong to hashem to remove the menuval from your heart.  And if the menuval should ever visit you again, you should have the strength to banish him.  And only Hashem can give you that strength.  If you can cry while davening, even better.  For every tear that stems from ahavas hashem you can counter another wasted seed.  Bet let your heart  open up.  The yetzer hara causes our heart to close up.  You need to push it open.  You have already begun to do that.

Your story of shabbos reminds me of my own story from two months ago.  You can read my story here.  I am sure you will appreciate it.

ykv
it was your story that iread on march 20 that rocked me to my core.I cried so hard becuse i felt that it wsas me seeing myself on the screen.
you are to be gebentched because your story no matter what you did ,was the proof that i can do it too.
The chazl teach us that when we do a mitzvah it is machria es haolam lkaf zchus.
I am so jealous (in a good way) of you way .your declaration of teshuva is so brutally honest.thank you for picking me up.

I  know i am new here so what gives me aright to be a maan d'aamar,but...
we are all agroup of baalei teshuva we should be soo excited foer the yom tov pesach we can cleanse ourselves for once and for all.peasch is called chierus oilam we can leave it all behind and never come back.
its atime of reckoning its atime of hischadshus.
I will try wih all my might to make some kabbalos BEFORE the weather gets warm and the world shows how crazy they really are.
I will try to keep up and aim for 90 days i know it seems impossible but 3 weeks ago an hour was impossible.
here are my closing remarks STAY BESIMCHA ALL YOMTOV LONG REAL SIMCHA NOT GO THROUGH THE MOTIONS SIMCHA>THE MENUVAL HATES SIMCHA ALL HE CAN DO IS TRY TO DEPRESS YOU THEN HE OFFERS HIS VERSION OF SIMCHA WHICH WE ALL KNOW IS A SHTICK ATZVUS> so teire yeedin find the mind frame
to enter  yomtov in a good mood forget the shtissim and forget your past we can all become a BERYA CHADASHA.
also one last thought before yom tov MIKVA it works do it for self .

gut yom tov see you all in Yerushalayim tomorrow by the korban pesach .
WE WILL BRING THE GEULA!!!!

humbled and happy
bardichev

This IS the milchemes hayetzer!  Remember, the y"h uses all of the tactics he has at his disposal. Milchemes Hayetzer means to do everything and anything you can possible do to "outsmart" this menuval. It does not necessarily mean the brute force of his pushing, and our pushing back, until we eventually lose. A better way is when he pushes, instead of pushing back, just move to the side and let him slip right by you. I believe that this is the "Surrender and G-d will help you."

Chag Kosher V'sameach

BTW, Achilos Matzos on Pesach is a big Tikkun for P'gemos Hamoach.

All of that chometz we put into our minds, we can remove it by eating matzah

gut yom tov everyone
I am going into yomtov on day 18 .
remember everyone try to be shtark besimcha!!

i will not post on yomtov i will try my hardest to keep my eyes in my head .

every one here should be gebentchd i"m sur we will all see miraclesbecause we are on Hashems side

humbled and happy
bardichev

I want to wish all of you in this beautiful forum A gizinte zimmer ( a good STRONG  summer)
I will be moving to the wall of honor part of the forum B"H
please help me I need all the chizuk I can get

we were very lucky in NY (metro area) that is was cold on yom tov so I had a extra siyatta dishhmaya  in the area of shmiras aynayim.
LETS NOT FOOL OURSELVES SUMMER IS COMING. people just FORGETABBOUTIT!!!
even frum women who are probably well meaning (just plain ignorant) cause major nisyonos.

LET THIS BE A BATTLE CRY!
MAKE KABBOLOS AND GEDARIM NOW BEFORE ANOTHER SUMMER GOES BY AND WE WILL SAY LISHANAA HABAAA...

any suggestions?

humbled  and happy
bardichev

I read somewhere that while eating matzos on Pesach,  a faint sound of the shofar can be heard. It helps me to think in 6 months, while walking to shul on Rosh Hashana, I will have at least one accomplishment that  will re-charge my spirits (which are always low during the Yom Tov). It also helps me, at this time of the year, to read (quietly) from the Yom Kippur machzor.

Bardichev,

I'm new here just a few days old on this site & in my new life, I felt the pain you did, I know exactly were your coming from. I too thought that I was from the few & Numbered Yiden out there that are struggling like this in this field. (I'm not talking about people that don't care or are totally off, unfortunately there are to many. I mean Yiden that are Erlich in all other fields of Yidishkeit)

I begged & cried to Hashem so many times in the last few years to help me find my way out of it, but it was short lived progress.

I even spoke (hinted) to my Rav that I'm struggling with my eyes & all i got was to Pray "V'Taher Libeini". He is a Holy Yid but to his Gadlus stuck in the 1800's.

So B"H Hashem Hooked me up with a local Yong Rav who is Closer to earth & up to date with the problems of 2010 & as much as his speeches B'Rabim address the Problems of today & are very helpful, we need more personal & 1 on 1 help to really deal with this issue.

I got to talk to him once because I'm on the Internet Accountability program he set up & is Mashgiach through weekly printouts he receives, & my score was reckless so I was approached & I got to pour out my heart to him.

But as helpful as he tried to be it didn't help because I need much more time & availability from him to deal with this issue then he has due to his popularity B'H.

So I Thank Hashem for making me stumble upon this website while checking out the news on Israel on the Jpost.

I Hope & feel that with all the Helpful tips & Amazing Yiden Mevakshei Hashem "B'Emes" (for this is anonymous, so we are doing this Koloi L'Shmo just because we want to be close to you Hashem) that I will finally get over this Klipeh that the world has never seen before.

Like my Rav Says, the Soton know that his end is near, so he is fighting with all his tools & weapons. we just have to "Hold On A Little Bit Longer" & the fight will be Won.

Chazal Say "Tzorois Ramim, Chotzi Nechomo!" its a lot easier to deal with this knowing that others unfortunately have the same Problems & are successfully dealing with it.

Yiden! Hashem looks at this website & is Shtultz Proud with us. he calls out "Mi K'Amcho Yisroel!" look at my chosen nation, they have not Sold Out! there is no other nation like us Period!

Bardichev,

Sorry! I was just going to write to you the following but my heart just started pouring out endlessly, & I got carried away.

I admire you.

You sound like you are a Erlicher Yid in all other parts of yidishkeit, with a great Hashkufeh.

I love your uplifting style of replying to peoples issues. you really do seem to be usually happy the way you approach the problems, with that Azes D'Kedishe in the background.

You have a great non depressing attitude which should be helpful toward getting out of your own struggles.

Keep on replying & helping out others with your healthy attitude for its not only helpful for them but also for others reading up on it while dealing with the same problems.

Ashrecha Yisroel
Hashem Is Proud Of Us
We Will Never Give Up

thank you for your kind words

you can follow my story in the wall of honor

http://rehab-my-site.com/guardureyes/forum/index.php?topic=450.0

I hope you find it inspiring. When I was 3 dats clean I couldn't even bring myself on the forum.
I was scared of losing my anaiminity.My fers were unfounded.I knew it was the Y"H speaking .
You will see the Menuval gets very frum and Ehrlich sometimes .Especially when he sees he is losing another customer.

SCREAM OUT HEY MENUVAL PICK ON SOMEONE YOUR OWN SIZE YOU CHEAP LOSER!!!
you get the IDEA.

Dont stop davening for SIYATTA DISHMAYA

h&h
b

Dear Berditchev - I had wanted to repond to you about this a few times already but jumping out with comments is bad for me. Finally the time is here and maybe this will be helpful...
The gemora near the end of Kiddushin (I think) has a bunch of stories about a few great holy tannaim (if I recall, R' Akiva and R' Meir were among those mentioned) who made statements that were disparaging to the YH. I think the first tanna quoted used to say,"an arrow in the eye of the YH!". Anyway, Hashem gave reshus to the satan to overwhelm these holy malach-like men with lust, and after that, they were told by the YH that "if I were given reshus by Hashem I would have even killed you!" To me, this gemora means to say that it is not everybody's avoda to try and "attack" the YH - perhaps it is nobody's. Perhaps some individual may fulfill "v'ata timshol bo" (Hashem to Kayin) right from the start with overpowering bechirah (though I cannot imagine who that could be more than these tannaim). I do not know. It makes more sense to me that the memshola over the YH that Hashem promised Kayin (=man)would come as a result of a gift from Hashem given to the man after he fulfills certain requirements - what does "halo im teitiv se-eis...ve-atah timshol bo" really mean?
I'll explain why this is not just semantics.
In my recovery it is clear that I had no ability to win. I, by my own power, was beaten. My life was hell. But from that place I was able to ask Hashem for the help I needed to sidestep the YH in some respects and stayed sober on day at a time. It takes the steps (fixing the brain and popping the ego to get a little reality in then head), meetings (to meet others, get the insides out, get rid of the damming shame, and more), servicework (sponsoring, running meetings, shlepping books - to learn to become a giver instead of a taker - in recovery), and lots more, all done slowly and gradually, one day at a time. Perhaps I am mosheil over my YH in some respect, but I would like the truth about that to remain a secret known only to Hashem! All I know is I do not give lust the time of day. I don't discuss with him at all. Maybe a bit rude, but not disparaging. He does his job and I do mine. And I have no interest in finding out which one of us is doing a better job. Maybe I'll get curious for the score after I am dead...Do you see what I am saying?
PS. Part of the "price" I need to pay and I think all addicts who follow then big book as it seems to read, cannot afford to give themselves credit for remaining sober or making it through a hard time. We give then credit to Hashem, only. If I need then credit and pat on the back in order to stay motivated, it seems like I am working for me, not my new employer, Hashem. So every time I walk past a taava, with His help, I mutter a "Thank-you" to Him.  It has worked so far...

Dov
I am honored to have one of the tried and true GEDOLIM on this forum respond.
I am not sure what you are questioning. What I think you are bothered with is
A. my very vocal style (your lucky you never met me)
B.My shout outs like MOVE OVER Y"H etc..
C.My success (SO FAR BLI AYIN HORA) without joining SA 12 steps etc..

I will explain one at a time. I am speaking for myself so please try to see this from another person’s perspective.

My name is bardichev (small b) I am a very active and excitable person. I talk a lot I am very open with my feelings when I am happy the world is happy with me if I am upset you can tell it on me in one second. I am a very giving helpful person that is always busy and always trying to make people smile. Having said that my Y"H I repeat MY Y"H.
Not yours not anyone else’s My Y”H, trys to tempt me using my strengths and my weaknesses. He has been successful at times and he also got me ADDICTED to the internet. I have only one way of fighting him. By using MY talent MY mind MY style
MY resolve MY tears etc. .This is the only way I know.

I can back up my style with many Chazals like “LOLAM YARGIZ ADAM YETZER TOV AL YETZER HORAH”.But ultimately it is a style, a style that works for me.
This is a public forum I have the right to express myself as you have the right to your opinions.

I don’t think we are arguing ,we are two different kind of people that came to the same addiction from two different paths mine is TAAVA unleashed wild RAW TAAVA. I don’t know you but from the beautiful and calculated way you write you seem a lot calmer a lot wiser a lot more thought out than me. You may have fallen into this addiction through sechel and me through not sechel.The Y”H has many methods for each person custom made.

So when we do our mitzvah of TESHUVA or as others respectfully call it are overcoming their addiction. One has to do what works.

If you follow my posts in bardichevs battle you will see that I have ONLY respect and admiration for GUE the guard and the 12 step program .I am also open that I don’t comment on it because I did not experience it please read reply #43 where I make myself very clear.
If you read the chizzuk I give to newcomers on this site I am very clear that they should FIGHT FIRE WITH FIRE BUT NOT TO TAKE Y”H HEAD ON. Yet take that fire and use it in a positive way.

I hope you understand me a bit better now.

YOU ARE A TREMENDOUS VOICE ON THESE FORUMS YOUR EXPERIENCE IS INVALUABLE!!
With respect and admiration to you to all on this site and to all the heilige yidden who are trying to get stronger every day

In closing may we fight together I will FIRE AWAYYY!!! and you will speak with reason and unerstanding to rid ourselves and help others rid themselves of this addiction.
 

thank you
humble and happy
bardichev