CHASDEI HASHEM
Today is a very special day.
Today is day 180.
That’s 180 days completely clean of masturbation. (There was one day where I viewed some explicit images without realizing that completely clean doesn’t just mean no masturbation. So iyh I will hit 90 days completely clean in a few days)
THANK YOU HASHEM!
My story of hitting rock bottom (it’s pretty mild b”h compared to many of other rock bottoms) is in my profile so please check that out if you want my full story.
Here’s my story of this 180 day journey.
November 8th was the last time I fell after discovering gye. I remember looking at the black screen of my phone after I fell with my emotionless face reflecting off of it. I felt stupid and numb… it was a familiar feeling. I just got to israel for the zman and fell in the first week. Sighing I checked into gye and read a couple of accounts. I was hooked by what’s I saw and felt. I then discovered the concept of 90 days. Standing up I decided that since I have an opportunity this zman to keep away from my phone I’m going to make the push to 90. My record in 9+ years of struggle, was 30th days. The next day, Friday, I went to the Mikva… I’m not a Mikva guy. Coming back I felt a fire and I set my plan into motion. My phone (which is heavily filtered and while not being able to access explicit things I was able to get enough) will be stored somewhere away from me where I would have to travel to get it, and I’ll be using it once a week for one or 2 hours. My idea was that I would battle throughout the week with the inevitable urges and fantasies and sights but save my main energy for the fight on phone day. My rules for the day when I had my phone were:
Be conscious that this is my most exposed moment
No bringing it into the bathroom
No bringing my AirPods with me
Use it only around others
And when I get a good streak, be conscious of that streak.
What followed was chaos.
One day I’ll write the specific moments where I saw the hand of Hashem, but in general it was split into 3 fazes.
The first 2 months was me getting regular urges and not knowing how to manage them so just ignoring them or creating distractions. Sometimes being frozen right before acting out but then pulling back. As the weeks went by I grew more and more surprised that I was still standing. After a month and a half were the strongest urges I’ve ever had. Wild times.
The second faze I pushed to my original (insurmountable) goal. Dazed, I stumbled to the 90 day mark and as I passed the finish line I found I was hungry for more.(which was very surprising for me cause I said I’ll m after making it 90 days)
It really became easier and even more habitual to manage how I was feeling.
These were pretty parev weeks bh, and I starting believing that 180 might be a possibility.
The third faze, the last 2 months were very emotional. I told my rebbi (who’s also a psychologist) about my journey and what he thinks. I told him and cried to him about the anxiety I was feeling from my rock bottom problem, and he told me that I was insecure and that I should know that I’m loved. He then explained to me that the best thing for me to do was to tell my parents, and let them love and show me they accept me.
So I had to wait to come back from israel and finally the day came to tell them and bchasdei hashem it went very well. I cried, they cried, and we all came out better for it.
Bein hazmanim, a historically bad time for bachurim, was a time for me to strategize. There was no way I’m letting myself be home alone. Bh I was able to keep to it, except for one day I somehow ended up by myself and I ended up having the strongest urges I remember having. Bh with hashems help and gye’s help I got through it.
Now we’re 2 weeks into summer zman and I hit this goal. The previously unthought of unattainable milestone.
Because of this change in my life I got some incredible benefits! (Obviously besides for doing hashems will) I connect with learning and davening better. I connect with all people better. I have more self confidence. I love myself. I’m more emotional. I smile more. I look at women in a healthier way.
I’m gonna go to the Mikva tomorrow hopefully, to bring it full circle. I feel like a new person. Even like a child. Of course I have the regular desires still, and of course I’m terrified of the accounts that I’ve read of people that hit well over 180 days and fell badly again.I also know this is just the beginning. But a new beginning.
To all the guys out there, single or married. You can do it too. It’s appropriate that my goal ends up by parshas kedoshim. It’s a commandment given to all of us. Regardless of what we did or have been through, hashem commands us to become kedoshim. Believe that hashem believes in you. Make practical plans and cut off all access. Find connections to fill in the gaps that your addiction was filling in for. Read the forums and stories on gye. Post your story and celebrate your victories.
I love you guys. Thanx for reading my message! With hashems help I’ll see you guys by day 270!
