Statistically, you probably will have some setbacks in recovery. That’s not the end of the world, because If you fall, you can always get back up, right? Not saying you should give yourself a green light to act out on occasion, just trying to understand what’s unsettling you. Could you elaborate on the nervousness?

​

Statistically, you probably will have some setbacks in recovery. That’s not the end of the world, because If you fall, you can always get back up, right? Not saying you should give yourself a green light to act out on occasion, just trying to understand what’s unsettling you. Could you elaborate on the nervousness?

wannachange wrote on 06 Apr 2025 10:40:

I completely relate to this. 

There are a couple of things that help me with it. 

1) ODAAT. One day at a time. To me this means recognizing that I don't have to fight tomorrow's battle right now. I don't even need to deal with the challenge I may face 5 minutes from now until it comes. (I don't mean preparation. Preparation is a good idea. I mean feeling like I need to face, right now, whatever challenge may ever come up.) The challenge of this moment is just for this moment. And that's much more manageable.

2) Not getting bogged down by that thought. And this has two parts to it:

a) recognizing that the thought that "I can't keep this up forever" etc is not what "I" think. Though you may actually think that, inasmuch as you recognize that the thought is not helping and is only harming you can also recognize that you are not having the thought because of a choice to have the thought. There is some subconscious process which is birthing this thought. To recognize that the thought is just "happening" gives you the opportunity to deal with it effectively, which leads to the second point:

b) It may be tempting to try and "fight the thought". By doing something like yelling at it internally "stop telling me I'll fail eventually!" or "it's not true! it's not true!". In my experience this does not help. It only causes a greater preoccupation with the thought. Instead I find it helpful to just shift my focus to something else, after establishing a recognition that the thought is not true and is coming from my subconscious.

So in summary 1) cultivating an awareness that you don't really need to worry about later, just about now 2) recognizing that the thought does not represent reality and is coming from somewhere beyond your direct control, 3) having recognized that shifting focus to something else

Hope this helps you!

:point_up2:This is great stuff.

I'd just add something that sounds counter intuitive, but has worked for many.

Accept the fact that you've fallen, accept the fact that you may fall again.... and it's ok that that possibility exists. I'm not condoning falling. I am merely stating an obvious fact. I believe that if this is digested properly, it can take the pressure off staying clean. 

I use his mentality and I feel it helps in keeping the damned beast at bay.

KOMT!!!!
Muttel

wannachange wrote on 06 Apr 2025 10:40:

Awesome work on the 11 days Brother!

Some great advice already given by Reb ST and Reb Muttel.

When you look down, you can see a long way to fall - it's also a long way you've come. Anyone at the "bottom" looking up at that speck in the sky is thinking WHOAH!!! How'd that guy climb so high? I could never to that. (The answer: he decided he is someone who wannachange).

You are a climber. Successes and potential mistakes transpire and you are still a climber. Will there be a future slip? Maybe, maybe not, but it doesn't matter so much if your identity is not the place you stand but rather the person you are. Where I stand may change from one moment to the next, while who I am is not so easily lost.

Kol Tov

"time2win" Could you elaborate on the nervousness?
nervousness that its going to happen anyway so why bother.....You think youre making yourself stronger....My YH will flex his muscles and show me whos boss....when Im tired and exhausted (cmon its erev pesach, jobbing, cleaning and watching kids in one day!)....just wanna chill with an easy outlet....
​BH not heading there thats not who I am

BenHashemBH wrote on 06 Apr 2025 14:33:

Thanks all for the pump! Definitely the mindset change is a big factor...Like you said its not my identity. Who I am is not where I may slip and fall at some point. I am me. A good healthy person who had to go through circumstances beyond my control (like many others) which created years and years of unhealthy routines. And the process to break out of that Will take longer then a day, a month, or even a year. But even if I fall, that not the real me. OK will try saying this 10X fast every 5 minutes.
Thanks chevra! Heading for 15 BeH

Take off the mask...
dont be scared to see whats underneath....
A Brilliant light shining forth...
which even if covered cannot be fully hidden

Rabbi WannaChange
I am seeing this forum for the first time. 
Welcome to GYE, you made the right choice. You will remember this decision for the rest of your long life. 
Yes, we all go thru the same initial doubts and fears, we are used to living a certain way and we are breaking it. Of course it wont be easy. But it gets easier the longer it goes. 

Yes, I concur with HHM that SSA is a much bigger issue today. I talk to new guys here every day that have SSA. 
But, the bottom line is that its just another form of the addiction. Everyone has a different mind and lusts after something else. But its beatable like anything else. 


Stick around, read posts, go thru the F2F program and learn some tools. Its invaluable. 

Good luck. 

P.S. you can reach out to me via email if you wanna talk more. 
chancygye@outlook.com

Thanks holy brothers for the chizzuk!
Day 13 BH!!!
Im not nervous Im not nervous Im not nervous.....its not me anymore....Im not going to fall today  or even have fantasy thoughts....even though Im tired and exausted like anything....it wont trigger me....because thats not who I am.....PLEASE HASHSEM LET ME GET THROUGH THE DAY WITH FLYING COLORS!!!!!!

Scrub the floors, clean the dishes....
and dont forget to feed the fishes....
kids off from school whos idea was this....
they will surely help me with my pesach list.
Dont forget my job didnt freeze,
to take a day off now is a tease.
Barber, new tie, sell the chometz....
Im starting to have some fits!
Eyes are closing on their own....
please relate I know I cant be on my own!

Hey Oilam! I feel like a barrel of matza rolling around!
BH tomorrow is 20! Celebrate!

But......
First days was challenging....and my emotions are running wild.
Im so embarrassed...basically there was a guy around where I was staying for yom tov...and just seeing him made me have thoughts....
Its hard and rough for me to admit it but I was getting triggered from just seeing him again...and again...and again...

Im so ASHAMED, why cant I just be normal!?!?!? Why am I getting triggered from seeing a guy?
Signing off,
Wanna change (currently ashamed and lonely)

Just seeing this thread for the first time. Embarrassed!? Ashamed!? Of what? Of urges that you haven't acted upon? I've got the greatest respect and admiration for guys like you, who because of circumstances beyond their control, are dealing with a תאוה that was thrust on them. You didn't want it, you didn't ask for it, yet you're doing an unbelievable job fighting a battle of temptation, most people wouldn't be able to withstand. As Chancy correctly pointed out, this is just another form of lust, and like the rest of them, it can be overcome. But, although there is no barometer for measuring lust, there's something that makes fighting this particular type of lust exceedingly difficult. Our society separates men from women, and for the most part, it's technically possible to keep away from girls and women. With SSA it's so much harder, You have to go to Shul, we need to interact with each other, and to work on not lusting while being surrounded by the people you lust after, has got to be one of the most difficult נסיונות I can think of. I can't imagine fighting this battle while being asked to sit in the עזרת נשים, surrounded by women decked out in  their Yom Tov finery, it would be way to much for me to handle. The fact that you're fighting this successfully earns you my unadulterated admiration. Please don't beat yourself up over something that isn't your fault. Even if it wouldn't have been thrust on to you, there's nothing to be ashamed of. As has been said many times on these forums, Hashem gave you those urges, He wants to see how you're gonna respond. Why He chose you for this particular challenge, is something we can't know while we're in this this world. But if He chose you, He obviously believes that you have what it takes to overcome it! Think of it as an opportunity, to do something most of us wouldn't be able to. You're a hero!!! Hatzlacha on continuing this incredible fight!

Thanks for the chizuk! Youre right, this is where Hashem put me. With these temptations He knows why I have them, it wasnt by choice. He also put these temptations in front of me over yt. Its not for me to understand , its not for me to ask why. Just to keep plugging. Im not a loy yitzlach. Im not a crazy person. Im normal, not dangerous. Im healthy. Im a good person. Im great because of my accomplishments. Im loved and cared for by peopple who truly matter. Im someone who can be looked up to and respected.
But......
I still get down. Sometimes it just seems like Im doing great, but then boom! Someone in shul, someone in the street....and its not like I can just stay in a room not going out to people all day. I dont feel like this on a reguler day BH, But now Im being triggered because of consistently being around someone that pulled me over first days. He doesnt even know. Why would he. I need to remind myself. This is NOT MY FAULT. Not only that but Hashem is prod of me for not taking this temptation to where it used to take me....
But Im nervous and getting anxious that it will take me and drag me back down that lonely road as times moves along. If Im starting to slip now its going to keep snowballing. Slowly at first but eventually it will pick up speed until it rears its ugly head and causes me to fall
HELP ME. How do I get back to where I was before I got triggered? Im still at a stage where the taivah isnt too big, how do I move backwards to feeling at peace, not anxious???
This is similar to what was spoken about earlier on this thread, Gotta look up at where I got to until now. KNow my mindset is different. But know Im in the moment, need to calm down....setting a goal for myself, Today BH is 20. Aiming for 25 days, by the end of second days yt BeH. 

Keep moving dont stop.
Dont look left or right.
It may come right in front of me at times
make me wobble, maybe flop.
The trick to staying straight on the tightrope when a wind comes and makes me shake...
Is to stay focused on my goal....hear the Conductor saying Im proud of you My son, I know you can do it,
Thats why I CHOSE YOU!