With a lot of hard work, I’ve been able to take control of my urges for p and m. I’m far from perfect and it didn’t come easy, but it’s a lot better than it used to be. Recently I’ve found myself attracted to what wasn’t previously. It could be this is part of the YH, but I didn’t plan on trading in one challenge for another. This is distressing, maybe only a temporary phase. 

Congratulations on your first post. It depends a lot on what you are attracted to but if it is women in the streets this is very normal. When we become holier we become more sensitive to seeing women and it is a sign of growth.

yitzchokm wrote on 26 Mar 2025 16:02:

No, it’s a gender issue that I didn’t have before. I read somewhere that the klipa fights when he’s going down but this is uncharted territory for me. 

If you are talking about attractions to other men it usually starts at a young age. It depends on what you are experiencing but if it is just a light attraction to men I wouldn't be very concerned. If you are interested in posting your struggle there are many people that have experienced something similar who can give you advice.

My dear friend you've got a valid point, I experienced the same thing after working very hard at becoming clean, my desires fantasies and struggles totaly shifted, before cleaning up my side of the isle I would get aroused by almost all women, in the streets, online, dressed appropriately or not, I would fantasize about the looks, but after being clean for over 100 days I stopped getting aroused as much, but when yes it would be in totally a different way and my fantasies are much worse, I don't want to elaborate so not to arrouse anyone. 
So yes it's a valid point {maybe not everyone has this experience, but there definitely is such a thing, I've heard it from others that I'm working with as well}, and it can be a harder struggle.

But my dear friend, it's important to understand what's happening, there can be a few things that can be causing it, it may be different by everyone, but i'll write what I think the case was by me, if it resonates with you, good, if not hopefully you'll get some other good responses, but at least you'll understand that it's normal and not something to obsess over or else it can cause bigger problems.

To me, before joining this great community {and I don't know if this is the case by you as this was you're first post, but on the other hend you write that you did a lot of work so it could be you the same thing just in a different way} whenever I would get arroused, fantasize, and fall, it was always something that was a very dark hidden secret that noone knew about, I never ever spoke about it with anyone, so naturally although I would be devastated, still it would just get shoved under the bus because if I'm not talking with anyone about it than why think about, it just causes pain, so if I'm not thinking about it either, naturally it'll just stay whatever it is with no real reason for it to intensify, because it's already the worst not normal thing I'm doing...

But once I started talking about it and normalizing mysellf {not the sin} I was obviously thinking and obsessing {in a good way} over it a lot, which had the greatest benefit possible because it's a true heeling process, but still there was a side effect, {which is a manageable one if it's takin care of maturely} and that is that now I'm normalizing everything I'm doing, I'm not ashamed to talk to my friends about it, so now there's place for my YH to expand and intensify.

I'm not trying to say anything in the negative of GYE or the heeling process with whoever you may have done it with be it a therapist, a rebbi, or whoever, it really is the only real and proven way that worked for thousands here, but it still is important for anyone that has this experience to know, that he's not alone, that it's a normal thing that happens to a lot of people, but most importatntly that there's a good reason why it's happening and just be mature about it, don't let it take you over, most of all don't obsess over it, and let it fade out the same way the smaller ones faded out before this one came up.

Rooting for you, please reach out to the guy's here the mentor-in-chief HHM can be reached at michelgelner@gmail.com, you can also reach ou to me if you want my info are in my signature below.

With love Akiva

pleasedsquirrel20 wrote on 26 Mar 2025 15:57:

Shalom Brother and welcome.

Firstly, yasher koach on the lots of hard work!

If I may offer a mashul: Say a fellow likes ice cream but popsicles have never appealed to him. He eats ice cream and enjoys the cold, sweet treat. One day he realizes that ice cream isn't healthy and he needs to cut it out of his diet. Problem is, he's accustomed himself to the sugar fix and suddenly the popsicle, though it is not ice cream, seems enticing to fill that cold sugary deficit.

It may be that the urges are searching for their new fix, since you told them 'no' to p and m. As YitzchokM said, if it's mild, it's not something to be too concerned about. BezH this too shall pass as you say 'no' to those urges as well. It's not uncommon for SSA to become active / more active when it seems to be the available outlet.

Hatzlacha

BenHashemBH wrote on 26 Mar 2025 17:12:

That makes sense and is somewhat encouraging. Problem is that it has been several weeks and seems to be getting stronger. This is definitely not my orientation. It’s a different nisayon that I have no training to deal with and can not remove myself from. 

pleasedsquirrel20 wrote on 26 Mar 2025 18:25:

How much would you say you are focusing on the fact that you feel you don't have the tools to deal with this?

You can PM chancyhk or email crabapple18 atcharlesbosgod@gmail.com if you are concerned about SSA. They have a lot of experience and they are safe. If all you are concerned about is scattered thoughts about men it is no different than any other fantasy. All you have to do is use the Distraction tool in the toolbox and you should be fine.

BenHashemBH wrote on 26 Mar 2025 18:43:

That’s very true absolutely. This is new to me as like I said this is clearly not my orientation. Now I’m finding myself triggered in a way not like before and on a more frequent basis. And it’s gotten progressively worse since I have for the most part control over p and mb.I’m unprepared for these triggers. So far I’ve been dealing with the urges, but feel very uncomfortable about the situation.  

When I started going through this kinda phase (switching behaviors), a line that really stuck out to me was: porn is a bad answer to good question (or something like that, it's been a while since I last heard it, lol)
For myself, I used porn to cover up an underlying issue (that I am currently using a therapist to help me work out). Merely stoping the use of porn didn't get rid of the underlying issue, and it wasn't long before I started trying other things to block that issue that I was trying to cover up.
I need to deal with whatever it is I am trying to cover up, otherwise I will just keep going from one addictive behavior to another without any chance of real change.
I don't know your story, or what you did in order to stop your original behavior, but if it was just telling it no by pure force, it could be that there is something that is still there, waiting for you to address it properly.
(For the record, this is not my own ha'arah. It is a common denominator regarding many addictive behaviors)
Hope this helps.
Wishing you much Hatzlacha.
With lots of love, all the best,
Ezra W 

p.s. (If you need a better explanation of what I mean by addictive behaviors because you don't see yourself as an addict, please message me )

pleasedsquirrel20 wrote on 26 Mar 2025 23:28:

Sorry, I meant to ask if you think it may be getting progressively worse because you are focusing on it and feeding your own discomfort? 

If you felt confident to be able to overcome these urges with some work, as you did for p and m, instead of feeling unprepared, you might lessen them. The more you believe that it's an all new things that you aren't equipped to handle, the more you exacerbate that very belief.

You can deal with this too, and it may help to accept them as a "normal" manageable nisayon, and then let them go.

pleasedsquirrel20 wrote on 26 Mar 2025 18:25:

*

pleasedsquirrel20 wrote on 28 Mar 2025 13:28:

Shalom Brother,

I'm sorry that the Mikva is a makom nisayon for you at the moment. Hashem surely appreciates the sacrifice you are making to stay holy. Perhaps this itself is a purification.

Kol Tov and wishing you a beautiful and pure Shabbos of menucha. 

BenHashemBH wrote on 28 Mar 2025 13:45:

In my yeshiva, bachurim are discouraged from going except before Yom Kippur. If it’s going to be counter productive you shouldn’t go.