Hey!
I hope everyone out there is having an awesome day!

Backstory time (cause who doesn't love a good backstory
For those of you that don't know me from my previous posts....
I'm a 21 year old bocher, currently learning in yeshiva in ey. I was first introduced to the world of erotica when I was about 9. When I was twelve and a half, my parents caught me (not for the last time), and thus started my nearly ten year journey towards recovery.
Along the way, I confided in 4 rebbeim of mine in three different schools (elementary/high school/bais medrash). Everytime I admitted my difficulties with them, I got only love and support. Everytime I spoke with them about it, they would say how much they admired me for coming forward. How much they appreciated me trusting them and opening up to them.
Each one had advice for me (one of which included GYE), and was there to support me.
Having someone who knew me, who I could speak to about these things and get support against it, who admired me for fighting, was an incredible relief from having to constantly be afraid of what I say, lest someone find out and look down upon me.

Fast-forward to the present day:
Throughout my nearly ten year journey, I have had the pleasure of being in contact with dozens (not exaggerating) of people from nearly every background you can think of, who are/where struggling in regards to internet/porn/masterbation. And through our conversations, I have found that most people fall into one of the following two categories.
1)those who opened up to a Rebbe/mentor.
2) those who where uncertain/unwilling to open up to a Rebbe/mentor.

What I am looking for in this thread, is for people's opinions.
I want to hear people's stories of them confiding in rebbeim/mentors, and how it went.
I want to hear what people think about it, are they pro or against it and why.
I want to hear from rebbeim/mentors on GYE as to how they feel regarding this.
I want to hear why people are hesitate to open up to a Rebbe.
I want everyone who has an opinion on this, whether good or bad, to speak up.
I want everything. No holds barred.

I'm hoping that through this thread, we can hopefully clear the air for people who are on the fence about opening up.
It's not necessarily the right thing for everyone, but hopefully this thread can clarify it at least a little for each individual who reads it.

Looking forward to hearing back from everyone
Have an awesome 24, and may you all be able to feel the love and brachos that Hashem is sending your way.
Wishing you all the best,
With lots of (brotherly) love,
​Ezra W

ezraw wrote on 14 Jan 2025 05:18:

No holds barred, eh?

Disclaimer 1: The following opinion is just based on my life’s experience. Although I am probably projecting, it may perhaps be some food for thought.

Disclaimer 2: I am by no means seeking to throw cold water on any mentor here on GYE. I have spoken to several of them and there are some wonderful, truly selfless people here. I am addressing the general topic without specific people in mind.

There’s a very high-frequency chorus of “get a mentor now” philosophy on this site, and for good reason.

On one hand, it is tremendously helpful to get out of your isolation and share the details of your struggles with someone who cares.

The very act of honesty is extremely helpful for addicts, there is actual science that supports this. Honesty can act as a form of "rewiring" in an addict's brain by strengthening the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for decision-making and impulse control.

And you can get accountability, advice, empathy and support.

That being said, a Rebbi/mentor for this sort of thing is not always the bed of roses it’s made out to be. There are potential downsides to the Rebbi/mentor approach for some people in some instances.

-  The mentor could potentially be a closet creep. This includes getting off at the gory details, etc.

-  The mentor could potentially cross certain boundaries.

-  The mentor could potentially betray your privacy, even inadvertently.

-   The mentor could potentially invade your bedroom dynamics with his own projections about how "ideal sex" should look.

Does that mean that one should not confide in a person to help with his struggles? Of course not.

Reaching out is one of the most important tools for achieving sobriety.

I guess if you’re a person who may be bothered by any of the points mentioned above, it’s incumbent on you to do your due diligence, maintain privacy and boundaries where appropriate, and exercise caution so that you won't end up regretting it. 

I wanna reiterate that this is just me saying this based on a very bad experience. The concept of a mentor for these inyanim is probably something that one should be hollering off the rooftops.  

It's like anything else that's good - go for it, just be aware of the potential pitfalls. 

ezraw wrote on 14 Jan 2025 05:18:

This is a painful subject to me. I kept everything a secret until I went for therapy, after 12 years of struggling and living with tremendous shame. My Kedusha struggles wasn't the only secret I kept, I was generally very reserved and wouldn't open up to anyone about any issue I had. 

During my days in Yeshiva I wished I had whom to talk to but I couldn't imagine anyone being nice to me about it. I was also struggling with learning and one Rebbi, a real Tzadik, once asked me up front if I was struggling with Kedusha. Unfortunately I dismissed it and didn't take the opportunity. I was too embarrassed to open up.

A few years a ago I felt like I wanted to confide in my Rav, but I regret doing that. It took so much strength of me to mumble out a few words and he wasn't showing interest in trying to ask me out and learn the seriousness of my struggle. He right away started shooting back Chizzuk words and advise. He made me feel like this OCD who's just overly concerned with his Kedusha but really I'm doing okay. Nuh uh!

That was my experience talking to a Rav. I don't know why I still wish I can find a Rav to talk to on top of friends and mentors.

ezraw wrote on 14 Jan 2025 05:18:

I read your post with tears
I am double your age and I was never yet able to open up and share my struggle with a real living person