At this point I actually think that I can never succeed.

I’ve been struggling with porn and masturbation for 3 years now, ever since I became religious. But for all that time, I don’t think I have ever been clean for more than 2 weeks. I’m praying to Hashem each Shacharis, Mincha, Maariv that I break free, but at this point I think Hashem doesn’t want to hear me. Recently, I started praying to Hashem that I don’t want this challenge anymore, that I’m too weak for it and that I wish it would just disappear from my life. 

I hate all of this so damn much, I don’t want to use it, I don’t want to sin. But even with sheer hate and desire to stop, I always slip, again, again and again. Even if I stay clean for few days - one minor inconvenience or bad mood and I’m hooked again. 

I can’t believe what kind of sick person I became. In the day, Rosh Yeshiva tells me about how much good things he hears about me from rabonim in yeshiva, that I’m truly gifted in Torah, but in the night I’m the worst sinner imaginable.

During real lows, I thought about committing suicide, but I won’t do it, as this is prohibited by Torah. I went to psychiatrist, and he said that I’m not mental ill. I didn’t discuss with him my problem, though.

I can’t imagine what I can do at this point. All the methods, steps, techniques, all of that didn’t work, so I’m just skeptical about everything. Even if I have motivation to stop, I already know that I will fall once again

please, help me.