simchastorah wrote on 04 Jun 2025 16:38:
Thanks for checking in friends. I'm sorry to report that I have not been clean. I fell a few days in a row last week, each day multiple times. I didn't fall on Motzei Shabbos or Sunday or Motzei Shavuos and had a great and uplifting yontif with strong learning through the night. But then yesterday and today I fell a bunch of times. I feel totally out of control.
Like I've mentioned before the main thing for me in being clean is just being clean. It's a switch that I switch on or off. And when it's on then all the eitzos help to make it go smoother, or to maintain. But when it's off it feels like all the eitzos in the world are for a different person.
But ein shum yeush, I will keep on fighting and b'ezer Hashem I will get clean again and win the battle. I will be clean so I can be close to Hashem and have a healthy relationship with my wife. And build a holy home. And learn with holy eyes. And not be part of the cause of ושב מאחריך. I will keep fighting this terrible battle beh.
Dear Simchastorah,
You're a true inspiration! Your ups
and your downs are so full of honesty and real avoida. Keep strong and keep inspiring us!!
I may be wrong, but I have a feeling (from following your thread when you counted day by day; and based on what you wrote
here) that "the clean streak" is very important to you. I wonder if this is something that's holding you back from getting back up properly. For me, the clean streak has been beneficial but also often very destructive. Every time I fell after a long clean streak, I had this fear of getting back up and tried to utilise the downfall. It took me time to realise that the counting must be a total side point. Totally irrelevant. It's just a slight incentive, nothing more than that. The main thing is the inner change, finding the root of the issue and techniques/thoughts that speak to you.
I may be totally off target.
Either way, we're looking forward to hearing from you more about your journey...
חזק ואמץ,
UpAndDown
