I've been lurking on gye for a month and nothing I've seen has pushed me to post until this
I don't know your story and why you feel like this
I spent many years feeling that way
Many times there's nothing else to say but that it really really really sucks
Happy to share more by pm if interested

I hope your good days give you strength to push through
You may be alone in your emotional world, but there are people here rooting for you and genuinely happy for your incredible 90 day success and I'm one of them

i see quote didn't work 
replying to your post re feeling like garbage

It’s isn’t more that it is, but it isn’t less, either. Mazal Tov on 90! 
You’re a fighter, a grower. May Hashem grant you a river of serenity amd shalom, flooding your Neshoma with Light and Life!

Onward and Upwards! 
לחיים

Day 91 ב"ה

chaimoigen wrote on 02 Feb 2025 04:27:

100%

simchastorah wrote on 01 Feb 2025 16:39:

מזל־טוב

simchastorah wrote on 31 Jan 2025 08:26:

Mazal Tov on your 90 days!

You are a true source of inspiration for others. Many people are speaking out on this topic for the first time because of you, touched by your story and your sincerity, which leaves no one indifferent.

I would like to share a bit of my own journey in response to what you have shared. Living with ups and downs, sometimes very deep lows, has been my reality since a very young age. Over time, these dark periods have become shorter—now, they usually last no more than a week—but they remain extremely difficult. For a Jew in such a situation, holding on is a real challenge, as the inner distress can be overwhelming.

I often wake up with the feeling that nothing is worth it, an oppressive inner emptiness that constantly feeds negative thoughts, sometimes even suicidal ones. Every time I found myself in these moments of deep distress, I sought comfort and relief by turning to porn and masturbation, hoping it would make this internal suffering go away faster. But every time, it only made things worse. And this has been the case since my childhood…

But last week, for the first time—or almost—I went through an entire week in that hellish state without relapsing. The urge to fall back was immense, but each time, I managed to stop myself in time. And this is largely thanks to you and the people in this forum. But most of all, thanks to you—your unwavering honesty allows others to understand that they are not alone, and that despite our struggles, we can hold on, we can make it.

Without delving into the deeper reasons behind how Hashem has shaped each of us with our strengths and weaknesses, know that, from my perspective, you have already fulfilled the mitzvah וְאָהַבְתָּ אֵת ה' אֱלֹקֶיךָ בְּכָל לְבָבְךָ (Love Hashem with all your heart, including both your yetzer hara and yetzer hatov). By sharing your story, you have helped others hold on in their darkest moments, allowing the yetzer hara to serve the yetzer hatov.

Thank you for everything,  simchastorah.

Big mazal tov on getting 90!

For whatever 90's worth, at the very least it's a nice round number and a truly impressive accomplishment.

Thank you for the sharing and thinking you've shared along the way. It's always thought provoking.

Day 92 ב"ה

I requested that my thread be transferred over here to non-bb world. There was nothing bb specific in it. It happened for no good reason that that was the location of the thread and someone suggested that I move out so others can benefit from it. May it be לברכה ולא לקללה

Dear Simches Torah
Just writing your name make me a little happier. Simches Torah is not just one day of the year, its an all-year-round happiness than us Yiden have by staying connected to the Holy Torah! 

Everyone of us goes thru darkness, this is by design and always was at least since we went into exile almost 2,000 years ago. 
There are very good and very deep reasons for that. If you want to talk more about this, we can PM, its not for this forum. 

Just know that everyone has their own peckel to carry. 
Know that Hashem chose you to do this specific job because He didnt trust anyone else. 
Know that He knows exactly what you are going thru and He feels your pain, He said it clearly in the Torah. 
Know that He can fix everything in less then an eye-blink, the only reason He didnt yet is so you learn from this and grow ever greater. 
Know that you can achieve greatness in your own way even with all these struggles. A lot of our greatest Tzadikin went thru pure hell before becoming the Tzadikim we know. 
Remember "what doesnt kill you makes you stronger" is even more accurate in the spiritual realm then it is in the physical! So you and me and the rest of us are poised for greatness. I know I have become a whole different person since going thru this fight. I wouldve been a empty shell without this struggle. Same thing for a lot of the great people here on GYE, just ask around. 

Breath in deeply, resolve to never give up until the last breath when you see the Shchina coming to pick you up............. then you can let go and be embraced by His love forever. 

We love you Simches torah. It means a lot to me that you are alive! It means tons that you are here and sharing with us! Its means the world to me that you are succeeding!!!

Stay strong and be Happy!

Day 93 ב"ה

Day 94 ב"ה

While I work I listen to music on Spotify. Sometimes I put on podcasts. Two days ago while listening to Spotify a podcast episode from some podcast I had never listened to was suggested. The content looked very wholesome, it was just about the sexual aspects of a certain cult. Nothing colorful about that. Knowing that there was nothing wrong whatsoever I turned it on. Shockingly it included some inappropriate content. After listening to that Spotify started suggesting some podcasts about people who live a certain immoral lifestyle. I clicked around listening to them for a while. Now my whole Spotify page is full of suggestions for nasty podcasts...

I just deleted my Spotify account (once again.) I have gone through this routine a number of times, each time hoping that I can use Spotify in a fully appropriate way, just for music while working. No podcasts! And each time eventually I capitulate, starting with podcasts which are actually beneficial for my work and fully clean, albeit from people outside of the tribe who's heads are stuffed with shtusim. Then it becomes podcasts about real shtusim, or political stuff, or certain people who like to have looong conversations (soma yall know who i mean). Then eventually I get suggested some podcasts about people who live a super friendly lifestyle, and next thing I know my spotify homepage is full of nasty suggestions and I'm checking them out....

Listening to this stuff makes it much harder to stay clean. (For my own personal definitions I don't consider this a fall, but a terrible idea.) It fills my head with bad thoughts and desires which are contrary to the life I want/need to live. And I have seen time and time again that having Spotify leads inevitably downwards towards this pit. I am once again withdrawing from Spotify and will try and develop the clarity I need to say no the next time I start thinking that it's ok to have it if I commit to using it in an appropriate way. Because I the meantime unfortunately I am just unable.

It is a reality that the vast majority of people who could benefit from certain online venues such as Spotify, YouTube and others, find that the nisayon is too great and too often they head downhill while using these venues for kosher purposes. Be proud of your decision buddy. There is no doubt that Hashem has immense nachas from the guys who inconvenience themselves in order to stay pure and not have accidental instances every month or so. It is a sign of ne'emanus and mesirus. In addition, it shows a serious loyalty to one's wife....

Should one feel guilty that he can't withstand these types of temptations? Absolutely not. This is how Hashem made us. We are wimps. He wants us to avoid and protect. Just to put in perspective - Nobody i know has a pantry with milchig, fleishig, pareve, and treife - and tells their kids "The yummy looking chocolates on the bottom shelf are treife so don't eat them". We simply don't bring it into the house. Our computers should similarly not have "milchigs. fleishigs, pareve, and treife". We find that Chazal instruct us with this mindset as well. A nazir is instructed - do not enter the vineyard; go around. He is not told to go in and control himself and not eat a grape. A hammer is muktze on Shabbos. We are not told that we can handle one but just don't bang in any nails. We set up gedarim to protect.

Whatever one absolutely needs online (and on the streets of the world for that matter) may have the extra syatta d'shmaya and Hashem will protect him. What we can do without, let's do without. Hatzlocha buddy. Keep inspiring.

Love the attitude in HHM's post.

My hot take on Spotify? I have it logged in on my home computer and my wife can see exactly what's going on there. That being said, the second I see myself looking into how to delete the history on Spotify that thing is getting nuked. 

Why don't you use one of the Jewish "alternatives"? Is it as good? Probably not. But aderaba it's so much better because it's cleaner.