I'm so inspired by the many of you who are making such great progress, and I also want to be part of the winners! למה נגרע?!

I'm just so afraid of the heartache of failing!

In the past I had long streaks (maybe 60 days) but it came to me when I was doing very good spiritually, not that I have made any commitment then. Only when I realized that I was being clean for a while, I became conscience about it and fell shortly after.

But on the other hand, I can't wait till it will comes again, so I do have to make some kind of commitment. In many ways I feel ready to take the leap. But I'm so afraid!!! I'm so afraid of falling after counting days that I worked so hard to stay clean! It breaks my heart every time.

I know it's all coming from my screwed-up ways of thinking. I get very caught up in the numbers and it makes me super conscience about my keeping clean which ultimately leads me to fall again.

I know I will probably OCD (OCD- verb) on the quality of my cleanness. I all-of-a-sudden become so Frum with my judgments.

Anyways, I'm committing to 3 days for now...

I would suggest not to focus on the days, like today is day 4 etc. Rather each day make it through clean and keep us posted that that day was clean.
I used to post each day what day it was for me. Now I just write if that day was clean. I don't have on my head anymore what day today is.

stopsurvivingstartliving wrote on 12 Dec 2024 20:31:

I totally get it but numbers is not the entire problem

Let me explain. I have different stages in my struggle, when I go low I will actively seek to act out in many different ways. When I'm in a very good place, it doesn't take much effort to avoid lust. But when I'm somewhere in the middle I won't necessarily seek out lust but I will touch my private parts and gaze at woman by instinct. 

So, unless I make some kind of conscience effort to change these habits I will always fall back to it. I need to have awareness in order to break the habit. Even if it's not counting days it will be something else that will have to keep me aware about not looking at woman and not touching. 

Now, thinking about staying clean will help me stay clean, but in the same time will make me think more about it, and just thinking about not looking could make me look even more...

I somehow need to find the balance of being aware while not becoming hyperconscious about it.

There's still a lot of inner-work to be done!

Git Shabbos

Hows day three going? Are we going for a forth?