redfaced wrote on 28 Nov 2024 16:43:

Redfaced you saved me! I was about to take a sip

youknowwho wrote on 28 Nov 2024 15:51:

You viciously wanted to lure me into drinking unicorn blood, but my good friend redfaced rescued me before it was too late.

Anyways, you're making a good point about the inner work that can't be ignored. But it's not either or, you need both... Looking back at my journey, I measure my progress by my falls. What is my baseline? And boy did I come a very long way BH!!!!

Thanks for paying attention to what I wrote- it means the world to know that people are actually listening : )

youknowwho wrote on 28 Nov 2024 15:51:

This is a courageous post.
There is a lot to think about and digest here. There is tremendous value in recognizing the difference between internal ways of changing and external ways of changing. 
.

ואין חכם כבעל הנסיון

Thank you, 
Chaim

dreamyunicorn28 wrote on 08 Nov 2024 06:52:

Going through this thread now...

Wow! what a post! It brought out a tear...

As much I would wish to post about how I stood back up and keeping a clean streak, it did not happen... Something inside me is not letting go.

Dear Unicorn,

I think that agree more with you then HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED in this topic. 

I believe that growing in Avodes Hashem and feeling a real connection to Torah and Mitzvos is crucial and a big catalyst for change. 
Of course you cant ignore the lustful pattarens your brain has creaed and you must dig deep. But without any good and holy connections it will be very hard indeed. 
Once you find joy in davening and learning and you feel closer to Hashem, these struggles can become much easier. 

Im not saying that its always teh case because everyone is different and we have different needs and different reasons why we are into lust. 
But i dont think its a curse disguised as a blessing. 
Sometimes, I will have an urge and I will tell myself and pray to Hashem "Please let me rather have pleasure from Shabbos then this" 
And let me tell you, boy is it worth it! I would rather enjoy a shabbos davening or singing zmiros then any type of sexual pleasure. 


YKW/HHMNBN/Voldy, im sorry I disagreed with you. I hope the dark lord forgives easier nowadays......

I didn't see anyone disagreeing! 

It's so true what you're saying about finding joy in Avodas Hashem... I have already experienced joy in Avodas Hashem and I know how much better it is than lust, but I don't have control over that; it's a gift I sometimes get from Hashem. When he takes it away from me I become very desperate for satisfaction and I act out... It's my life struggle to stay committed when there's no deep emotional satisfaction to what I do. I feel scared to let go of the things that currently give me instant gratification because fearing finding myself not having anything better.

    It's scary, difficult, and a bit overwhelming to try to cut ties with this life long "friend". We have to realize that the comfort we feel from acting out is really a facade, and when we learn to let go and deal with matters in a healthy way, life becomes more enjoyable and manageable without porn or masturbation.
    I get stressed and overworked a lot and I have notice that I was more eradic when my brain was wired to react with porn and masturbation. Now my mind is more clear and is able to deal with my situation as it comes rather than to jump to my old "friends" porn and masterbation which would ultimately just leave me with a chemically imbalanced brain and a lot of work to do.

    My experience with avodas Hashem is that I wasn't really connecting with Hashem while lust ridden. I would go to seder and daven b'tzibor 3 times a day but until I really started my journey of wanting and becoming clean I didn't realize how weak my connection was. Now I am more connected to Hashem than ever. I didn't start my journey bc I wanted to be closer to Hashem, but through becoming clean I came to build a stronger connection.

    What I'm trying to say is that your initial drive on this journey to becoming clean is for yourself and your family which is very meaningful, and with time you realize that Hashem is helping you and you can lean on him for help. Just holding off on a Lustful act even if you eventually secumb to it is in it of itself avodas Hashem.

I don't know if I am clear or weather you resonate with this but I hope it does.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

dreamyunicorn28 wrote on 05 Dec 2024 22:17:

I spoke to HHM last night and he reiterated the fact that life is not meant to be one long big orgasm (excuse me), there's up's and downs, and middles. We don't always have to feel "strong" feelings. There's a time and place, and a beauty to dullness. 

I've been thinking about my thinking and it got me thinking...

We're used to the idea of counting blessings as counting the external blessings, like kids, family, health etc. But after my conversation with HHM it occurred to me that we also need to count the blessing within. We need to realize the amazing qualities we were given and also see the good choices we make so much of the time. I think it's fair to say that most people do, by choice, a lot more good than bad! And we need to count those blessings.

dreamyunicorn28 wrote on 06 Dec 2024 16:35:

One can take tremendous pride in keeping up the determination even during the “down” times. It is something to think about and recognize 

B"h this morning my Davening was something I haven't experience for Months. I poured my heart out for my fellow GYE's who are struggling so hard - had some of you specifically in mind (by your GYE user names). Hashem has also answered my prayer about something in a very open way (I'll spare you the details).

I see it as a pat on my back from Hashem (maybe for calling HHM even I didn't want to)

I'm obviously feeling a little better so now the Y"H is trying to put me down for not having showed any loyalty to Hashem while I was so down... Isn't that the whole point, to keep doing the things while we don't feel like it? 

In the meantime I'll try to focus on the positive things I do and ignore all the negative voices.

עי' בספר אמרי נועם פר' ויצא אות ד'
It will give you a lot of for dovening in difficult times 

חזק ואמץ!

I haven't spoken about my struggle with chatting with strange woman... I used to do that a lot, and that worked even with the best filters because I'd use basic email or Google chats. Over the years I have opened and closed so many Google accounts. It's been a while that I didn't do it but recently I started doing it again. But with Hashems helps I just closed the account and hopefully this was the last time.

I did open a special Gmail account for GYE, because my wife has access to my regular email account and she's not aware of my struggles- and I'm not ready to let her become aware. I hope I won't misuse it again and then have to close it. I've already switched my GYE email multiple times.

I haven't seen anyone sharing this specific struggle but by now I'm convinced I'm not alone. In any case I need to heal and need forgiveness for all the damage I caused to other human beings.

dreamyunicorn28 wrote on 11 Dec 2024 16:15:

Thanks for sharing!

#28 you are definitely not alone. 
There’s at least another 25 similar guys here 

KOT!!

dreamyunicorn28 wrote on 11 Dec 2024 16:15:

Maybe consider giving your GYE email address and password to an accountability partner over here on GYE who can check in on you from time t o time. Someone you really trust