למנצח על השמינית

We're now 8 days clean B"h!

 Thinking out loud about my journey, but feel free to read on...

 When I first started going for therapy, my life was in crisis, my acting out was getting more and more dangerous, my life was basically falling apart. After a few years in therapy my acting out was no longer dangerous and I was doing much better mentally. The focus has then shifted to other things and not much about P&M anymore. We never went all the way on this issue. I still continued to masturbate and occasionally watch porn but it was much milder. I didn't feel the need to continue working on it, because I felt normal and safe. I became very comfortable with simple masturbation and it was part of life. I didn't feel I was doing something wrong because of where I came from. I guess I have also given up on becoming Kadosh so I was happy as long as things were not out of control.

Fast forward 2 weeks ago I had this massive fall, and now I'm realizing that it was clearly a wake up call from Hashem that I can do better than this.

So here I am responding to Hashems call. 

I'm trying to build back up my Yiras Shamayim to look at every time I masturbate as a CATASTROPHY - not beyond repair - but still something massive.

Shalom!
Let us know if it helps

Dreamy Unicorn, you are amazing! WOW! Calling that guy from 15 years ago, I don't know where you got the strength for that!!! And it sounds like you are doing a lot of amazing work. Please keep sharing IT ALL with us! I'm loving every word, and being really inspired!

This morning I fell again  I woke up from a lustful dream fully erect and with feeling bad about waking up late... and being triggered last night by my wife's friends that carpooled with us to a Simcha, and a lot of work-related stress, I regretfully succumbed to the urge.

I'm also realizing that urges I have when I wake up is many time more difficult to overcome because of my foggy brain... Methods like urge surfing, is harder to apply when I'm sleepy. So instead of overcoming the urge I build it up till it becomes irresistible.

I'm sure many of you have some advise to give... Listening 

dreamyunicorn28 wrote on 11 Nov 2024 17:08:

I'm sorry Brother,
It's hard when things pile up and the deck starts to feel stacked against you.

If you don't have the capacity to handle it the way you want in bed, maybe you need to jump out of bed. If your brain is foggy, then keep it simple. No hands below the waist. Clench your fists. Commit to taking a drink of cold water. Any basic thing that you CAN manage that is enough to jostle your mind.

Hatzlacha

Dreamy Unicorn don't give up You are amazing you will get there it all normal and I feel bad for your fall 
and for the stress that you have with life,
JUST KEEP ON GOING BECAUSE THIS IS A FIGHT THAT WE WILL SUCCEED IYH 

I'm noticing that this journey of Kedusha is forcing me to work on my whole self. It's not a standalone product that I can tackle without healing my whole being... Perhaps that's why it's called Midas HaYesod - the foundation.

dreamyunicorn28 wrote on 11 Nov 2024 19:27:

Dear Dreamy, 
I just read the 4 pages of  your forum. I am blown away. 
You know how long some people take to get to the point you are alread at? some guys sit on GYE for YEARS before calling anyone, let alone all the other things that you are understanding and working on! 

You are right this is Yesod! I have written somewhere else on this site, that according to Kabala we are now in the time of Yesod. 
Yesod according to Kaballa means connection, this is why this became such a big nisoyan in this generation. 

So we can choose to channel this Connection to the good and the holy or nebech to the dark and bad. 
When you choose wisely, you will see that your other good and holy connections become much better and stronger. 
Its not easy, but nothing good in life comes easily. Its well worth the fight. I promise you. 

I had many of the same struggles as you, you inspire me to get better. 

Keep up the holy fight, brother!

Not sure i would even consider this a fall. Calling you buddy.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 11 Nov 2024 19:56:

Thank you HHM for your support! You're one heck of a tough-loving fantasy buster, and mood booster... Sorry for calling you names

Just Red this thread, and I am blown away by you. You will get places my friend, I'm sure of it. 
Last time I told someone he'll get places YKW ended up in Burma....

redfaced wrote on 13 Nov 2024 02:53:

If you can get me to Burma, that would be great!

I'm just trying to imagine how my life would be different have I grown up with Harry Potter

dreamyunicorn28 wrote on 13 Nov 2024 14:14:

Not sure you really want to come...it's scary out here...

proudyungerman wrote on 13 Nov 2024 18:30:

This is going to be really silly!

Feeling supper grumpy and uninspired today (and yesterday, (and the day before)), so as much as I wish to avoid any form of socialization and continue pacifying myself with juicy fantasies (and more), I'm well aware that just a little eye contact with another human will pull me back to reality