Wow that'll be a really courageous move, but don't let anything hold you back from taking that step.

I greatly admire your courage, you're an inspiration to me and all our brothers here on gye.

Keep it up and keep us posted
With love Akiva

odyossefchai wrote on 06 Nov 2024 15:28:

Exactly! I was actually reflecting on Trumps political ups and downs (without getting in to politics) and there's something to learn from this guy. He was impeached twice, indicted.. nearly assassinated twice... and he made such a beautiful comeback. The lesson we can take for out own battles in Kedusha. At the end we win!!! 

rebakiva wrote on 06 Nov 2024 16:25:

Thank you rebakiva for your words of encouragement 

Wow, what a brave share. There's nothing like letting go of these painful memories. You should also know that you're not alone in having struggled with SSA as a bochur, I too suffered with these confusing feelings while in Yeshiva and acted out on them. I forgot the percentage, but HHM told me it's super common. For me it was probably a combination of early exposure to porn without a way to deal with it, plus not the greatest emotional relationship with my father (who I love), which studies have shown can contribute to this. Either way your strength and honesty are an inspiration to us all!

dreamyunicorn28 wrote on 06 Nov 2024 16:19:

B”h the phone called went very well. He said he has long forgotten about it and that is has not caused him any damage ( that’s what he’s saying) and he was Moichel me. 

Thank you Hashem!

BH THANKS FOR SHARING, you've lifted a load off your shoulder
but to be honest you've also lifted aload off my shoulder, I was waiting for this post all day today.

Thanks again for sharing, keep it up and keep us posted.

With love akiva

Update
He sent me a text this morning and I replied:

him:
א גוטן הרה"צ רבי ……
אנטשולדיגט פארן אוועקדרייען די שמועס, און דיר אויפהאלטן, איך בין געווארן פארלוירן. 
איך בין באמת נתפעל פון דיר, פון ווי נעמסטו אזויפל שטארקייט,
כמותך ירבו,
זאלסט האבן סייעתא דשמיא און אלעם, שפע ורב ברכות, וכט"ס

me:
נישט קיין פראבלעם
איך פריי מיך אז די האסט מיך אויסגעהערט און געזאגט מוחל - א שווערע שטיין אראפ פון מיין הארץ! 
איך האף טאקע אז איך האב דיר נישט גורם געווען קיין הזיקות און אז די ביסט מיר באמת מוחל 
איך בין אפילו גרייט צו באצאלן געלט פאר דמי נזק, צער, ריפו, בושת... באמת!
זאלסט אויך האבן הצלחה און סייעתא דשמיא און זאלסט קענען ממשיך זיין צו זיצן בבית השם כל ימי חייך

Great and courageous men do great and courageous things. You are a true inspiration. You didn't even wait to do it. Incredible.

This morning when I said this I felt like King David is talking about my situation. This is how I translated it into my life... I don't even know Poshut Pshat...

A song for the dedication of the house, the house in my heart I'm building for Hashem to reside בלבבי משכן אבנה

Hashem has lifted me up from the dumps and enrolled me into a program of healing... The CEO's of PornHub no longer are able to rejoice over luring me in to buying more tokens

, Lord, I cried to you and you healed me, boy did I cry

Lord, you brought me up and saved me from falling deeper in to the pit of sexual addictions. SO many times that I was about to act out in dangerous ways and Hashem made it logistically impossible

O you faithful of the LORD, sing to Him,
and praise His holy name.

All the clean streaks aka 'life' is depended on his will

During the clean streak, I say, I won't fall back

. But it's all in the will of Hashem. When he hid his face from me, I was lost and fell back again

I realized again that I depend on his mercy to keep me clean, and I cry out and call to him for help

I say to Hasem, what is the gain of me being in the dirt, can I praise you then, can dust praise you, can a porn addict declare your faithfulness?

 Please hear me out and grant me your assistance - I do not deserve it but help me anyways

You will turn all my falls to joy. I will see how all of this helped me become the person I wouldn't be able to become otherwise

Hashem Help Me wrote on 07 Nov 2024 12:30:

Thanks Hashem Help Me for holding my hands while I'm taking my very first steps! There are more people I've hurt, directly or indirectly, I have a lot of reconciliation to do. Be"h we will close out file by file.

dreamyunicorn28 wrote on 07 Nov 2024 12:07:


Wow מי כעמך ישראל!

Where else in will you find such a קדוש interaction between two people?

dreamyunicorn28 wrote on 07 Nov 2024 12:07:

Its really really amazing to see who Klol Yisrael is.
As someone not getting emotional of things but now it literally came me tears when I read it.

חזק ואמץ כמותך ירבו בישראל 

2 days ago I reached out to HHM and he gave me a whole Muser Shmooz on how I have cheated on my wife and betrayed her so badly! I didn't expect that to be the first thing, but slowly it's syncing in and I'm starting to realize how important that was. It has changed my perspective on the work I'm doing here.

My mission has changed, it's no longer about me, it is to marry my wife again and try to repair all the damage I've done to her and the relationship. My goal is no longer (only) about me breaking free from masturbation because it's hurting me, I want to make my wife happy and pay my debt to her!

The magnitude of the damage I caused is enormous!!! How do I even begin to rectify my wrong-doings? She has always been so hungry for my connection and I pushed her away, I deprived her from the basics.

How many Months in a row that we were not intimate because of me having relationships with other woman! I gave away my precious sperms to Shiksas on the screen! I gave away my attention to fantasies instead of listening to her! 

I don't even know where to begin in cleaning up this mess!

My DW was always so respectful to me and trying her best to keep up. She's taking so good care of me and my children aal while she doesn't get the basics from her man. What a poor woman!

I want to hug her so tight and not let go for all the time I deprived her and when she needed it so strongly! But how can apologize when she doesn't officially know about anything? As much as I believe she's suspecting it, she never asked me about it, nor did I say anything

Crying...

Wow, you speak so eloquently of what I and many others thought and spoke out in other words…..

The Nechama I give myself, is that I am a new person who now has tremendous fidelity to my wife and am doing everything in power to spread that around…

We need to believe in Teshuva. Your regrets will spur dedication, which is everything you can do to fix it up……

With tears for my dear brother,
Muttel

dreamyunicorn28 wrote on 08 Nov 2024 06:52:

Wow! Beautiful post. So much honesty in there!

Keep Trucking!