chancy wrote on 07 Jan 2025 15:51:

Replacing it with Tzitzis is a fantastic idea (maybe that's a good reason I should start wearing them at night - now I don't)

The strong need for self-stimulation is not in essence a Kedusha problem rather a sensory one. I'm a very sensory good guy and unfortunately my penis became the object and thus it often leads to masturbation. So trying to exchange that sensory need with something else is a good idea. B"h last night I was able to keep my hands away.

I did some thinkin over the past few days and I noticed that most of the times in recent history I masturbated was in the morning right when I woke up, starting in bed (after Negel Vasser) and finishing in bathroom. I then realized that my thoughts when I wake are very negative, being critical to myself about myself all the time. I tried to understand why should my first thoughts in the morning be so negative? Then it occurred to me that it's simply continuing the thoughts I went to sleep with. Now, why do I go to sleep with such negative thoughts? Because that what I think all day!! It's a vicious cycle. That's why HHM always tell me... please be nice to my friend.

On a more positive note I must say that many times even after masturbating I come to Shul and I really try to do Teshuva and Daven Geshmak even it feels so weird.

My little 2yo daughter actually taught be this concept. Whenever I come home she come running to me with her arms wide open for me to pick her up and embrace her. But when she's got a runny nose and ketchup smudged all over her face and hands, I'm in a spot. On one hand what a blessing to have your little toddler run to you, on the other hand I really don't want to get my coat dirty. So here's the solution, grab your little blessing, take her to the sink and simply wash her up!

So I'm telling Hashem too, I know I stink, but I really wanna come to you, please cleans me up and embrace me. Which father will tell their child you can't come to me because you're dirty???

dreamyunicorn28 wrote on 08 Jan 2025 15:54:

Awesome post. Love the self-awareness, honesty, and that beautiful mashal.

Re: the struggling after waking up. Definitely relate to that. Not so much with masturbation, but nowadays that's the main time and place when I struggle with active fantasizing. Alot of it has to do with not being fully awake and in control of yourself, I think.

It helps to just jump out of bed in the morning but that's definitely easier said than done.

Though I hate recommending "segulos", saying krias shema al hamitta with kavana is a good practical solution for this specific problem. Fall asleep thinking about Hashem. Also easier said than done, but a real game-changer for this.

chosemyshem wrote on 08 Jan 2025 16:41:

B"h I took many of your good advise and past two days my morning were much better. I haven't said Krias Shma for most of my life but last night I did. I also asked Hashem in Yiddish to protect me over the night and help me wake up in good spirit.

I'll try to continue staying aware of the thoughts I go to sleep with and hopefully it will help me break the cycle of negativity.

Also I concede to what the Chevra keep on telling me again and again that I need to talk to real people over the phone. But I need your help navigating this. Should I just talk to anyone who's willing to talk to me? Should I look for something specific? I'm very scared to open up just to anyone... 

dreamyunicorn28 wrote on 10 Jan 2025 16:50:

Glad to hear that helped.

You gotta feel safe when you talk to someone. Two good ways of going about that. 1) Reach out to someone whose posts click with you and you feel like you know a bit. 2) Reach out to one of the well-respected big guns on here (I'll skip the list that'll inevitably make someone feel slighted). When I reached out to the first person I ever spoke to it was to HHM and I was pretty confident in that crowdsourced recommendation (also he'd reached out first via pm so it wasn't so scary). You cannot go wrong speaking to him. Also he knows way more interesting dirt on more important people than you and I so I also was pretty confident I wouldn't end up blackmailed. 

The second guy and third guys I reached out to were people who had reached out to me and I felt a shaychus to them from their posts.

Sorry if I'm rambling - I'm very hungry. Basically you just tossed a bucket of chum in the aggressively friendly shark infested seas. Best idea is to take all those posts and pm's you're about to get and respond to the person you feel safest with.

dreamyunicorn28 wrote on 10 Jan 2025 16:50:

Shalom Brother,

Perhaps start with HHM and/or some of the other great mentors. Test the waters before baring your soul, see who you shtim with, and open up when you feel ready.

Hatzlacha and Kol Tov

BenHashemBH wrote on 10 Jan 2025 17:04:

Thank you Chevra for your advise and support. Just to be clear, I am in touch with HHM but I consider him a Mentor/Coash/Therapist/Rav/Magician and I need more friends I can call up and Kvetch.

dreamyunicorn28 wrote on 10 Jan 2025 17:08:

Would you consider trying the GYE Vaad call to "meet" (talk to) some people?

BenHashemBH wrote on 10 Jan 2025 17:15:

Oh my this fast is melting my brain. How'd I possibly leave this out??

Vaad is low-key the best way to start schmoozing and connecting with people in a safe, secure, moderated, friendly, welcoming, helpful, engaging, supportive, etc, environment. And there's snacks!*

And Dreamy I think you're spot on about a friend being needed in addition to mentor. 

*BYOS. 

If you've already been in touch with HHM, perhaps ask him who he recommends.
P.S. Loved your משל about your child that's dirty running to you. Thank you!

I've woken up sometimes with my head spinning and not feeling in control. 
Sent a quick text to HHM for some advice. 
BH he was able to calm me down. 
You should try it

Day 6 of streak #5945684

Thank you all for your support! Working on my bedtime routine is a breakthrough. I never realize what a great impact it makes on my day. I'm now clean for 6 days and I'm trying to be very careful to go sleep and wake up in good spirit.

I am still trying to figure out how I'm going to connect with more people over the phone. I was hoping to do get a Google Voice number, like many of you have for this purpose, so I don't have to give out my identity right away but I was banned from Google Voice because I have violated their policies. I can do *67 but not so practical always especially in a down mood where I'm likely to avoid reaching out to a friend especially if it's a tiny bit less convenient.

That's a discussion for itself. When I'm supper down I avoid any contact with the human race. It's when I need it most that I run away. When I'm feeling better I can't relate to my own self at those times. Like now I think, why can't I just reach out to a friend when feeling down but when I'm actually down I'm not in control. HHM also told me that he will not be able to help me if I keep on disappearing like this. If someone can relate to this please share any ideas or just a little sympathy. Sometimes just making a discussion about it could help.

Hey Tzaddik,
I have experienced a similar attitude when I am down, so I feel like I can relate. I become so self-absorbed and resistant to anyone and everyone in my life, and it's painful for me because I don't like to be in that place. It feels very selfish to me and I like to think of myself as not a selfish person, which leads me to judge and criticize myself more than I already am. You're not alone in this behavior, I'd bet many can relate--it's even a pasuk in mishlei that says leTaava yevakesh nifrad. That when a person is in a place of where hes struggling with his base desires, his nature is to isolate himself. I'm wondering why it doesn't give any advice though lol, about how to fix that.

Day 7

I came across these holy words from R' Elimelech in Tzetel Katan:


I had a few minutes down time waiting on my son and I randomly grabbed a Siddur and randomly riffled through the pages and landed on this piece. So it's quite obvious to me what I have to do.

This morning was actually rough. I woke up late and lots of juicy fantasies stormed my mind, but with Hashems help I was able to talk myself out of it. 

Day 8