One of the hardest things is feeling loneliness. Especially feeling loneliness when you're surrounded by people. It doesn't help when you're trying to kick a bad habit/addiction that you can't speak to just anyone about. I'm 22 years old looking to get married, which isnt working too well. My siblings are all married which leaves me at home alone with my father who I have a strained relationship with. Most of my good friends all got married already. So I'm just feeling plain old lonely. The 2 things that give me any sort of respite are 1 my daily routine of learning, davening and hanging out with friends (which bh starts today with the beginning of winter zman), and 2 pornography and masturbation. I hope to work on myself to eliminate number 2. My 23rd birthday is Tomorrow and I would love to go into it with a real plan. I've dealt with the easy ways of access to pornography over the years, my phone block is extremely stout bh. The hardest part for me is what to do when an urge comes, and how to effectively prevent urges from turning into action. 
Any person will find a way to get access to something if the urge is strong enough. 
If anyone has any tips tricks or overall chizzuk that would be much appreciated!

Welcome r' realclean.
First of all mazal tov on your 23rd birthday, and mazal tov on joining the greatest community of the warmest warriors fighting this great fight together with you.

To start off, the best thing that helped me deal with urge's and fantasies was talking with other live human beings, and the point of that is not necessarily to get advice, just it's to a good friend with a open ear available for you at any given time, so you can vent to him, just shmuz about whatever you want so you distract yourself, and you can also (if you want) share with him your status so you feel accountable to him which will give you the strength to hold on tight.

It is recommended to have more than one person to talk to, so you're never alone just in case one isn't available.

Also there's the f2f Program which is really wonderful with great tools to teach you how to fight this great battle.

Please do yourself a favor and reach out to the great people here you can start off with HHM, or EERIE, or MUTTEL and all the other great people.

Hatzlacha raba keep us posted.
With love akiva

Welcome realclean to the club. Every single days so many people get helped. The help is here and people grow amazingly. You're in the right place and Iy"h your turn to be helped and healed is now closer than ever before. Stay strong!!! We;re in it TOGETHER.
As for tips n tricks.... what has helped me in the past is training myself to explain my urges as needing to feel good but currently lacking something better to make me happy...

Hatzlacha

Loneliness can be brutal, tough and unforgiving. It directly leads to acting out. You are fortunate that there is hope here on this site. There are many people that are more then willing to help you out with hearing you. They will understand you, empathize with you, and they won't judge you. Many special friendships have been formed on these forums. Try reaching out to HHM, he will give you the initial plan on how to break free, then read around and find someone who you can see yourself being friendly with, and reach out. You're life wil be changed forever.

realclean wrote on 03 Nov 2024 17:12:

Happy birthday and kudos to you for taking the initiative to change your life for the better.  

Happy birthday ! I’m also around your age and single and understand the loneliness that you can feel especially when everyone around you is married. What works best for me to deal with the urges that come with loneliness is accountability. For that I highly recommend reaching out to HHM : michelgelner@gmail.com

Hey there R' @realclean! I love your username it shows where you want to head!

As a single bochur myself I can't say loneliness hits me all the time but I can totally relate to that feeling. It happens to hit me extra hard when I see a couple walking down the street and it seems (whether true or not) they are enjoying each others company, there it hits me hard, like I wish that were me.

Keep us posted! Hatzlacha Raba!

Welcome to the GYE family!

Here, you'll find HOPE. You'll find that we understand you, feel your pain, shame, and difficulties. We're here to support you in your journey to living clean!

Join us!

Muttel

Thank you to everyone for responding with well wishes and advice! 
I've tried posting daily in the forum like day 1, day 2, etc. but I've found that if I'm so conscious about the count then it's on my mind more than if I just let the time pass by. It consumes my life and then I end up falling from the pressure. 
I think this time around I'm going to post every little chunk of days clean. 
Iyh every 5 days or so I'll post here my thoughts and concerns and hopefully I'll be able to do the month of cheshvon clean. 
Hopefully with yeshiva in full swing I won't feel
so lonely anymore and I'll be overall in a happier mood which will be more conducive to my fight!

   I hate loneliness. I'm in a similar boat with family and friends getting married. I try to tell myself that by not watching porn or masturbating I am becoming a better person for my future wife and kids. This doesn't make me less lonely but it does help a bit (better help than porn thats for sure).
   The thing about it is though that if you masturbate or watch porn because you feel lonely you are actually distancing yourself from your future wife and kids before they even are apart of your life. I'm sure you know that getting married isn't the cure to acting out. This is partly bc we live a double life when we are doing this stuff and then we get married that double life gets even worse.
   It's tuff to not act out while lonely sometimes. But remember that it makes it worse in the bigger picture. It's not a solution to a problem, it's a band-aid on an deep wound that really needs stitches or it will fester and come back worse. 
   May we all find our basheret and be able to be clean, caring, and loving husband's that don't need to rely on porn or masturbation so that we can be wholeheartedly devoted to our wives and children.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!

BH it's been 5 easy days. No challenges yet although I know they're coming. Thankfully also I'm getting back into my daily routine which helps in all areas! Hoping this can continue Iyh. 

Sorry for my lateness to the party..

Welcome to the warmest family in the world!

Here, as you have started seeing, you will find true care, concern, and warmth.
Here you will learn that you CAN break free!
There are many tools here to help you in this fight.
There is the F2F Program, the Vaad Program, the book The Battle of the Generation - many have found this very helpful in reframing the struggle.
(Captain, link again? )

There is also an extremely powerful tool of accountability, friends, and mentors, as has been mentioned, that has helped hundreds - myself included.
HHM - Hashem Help Me - is the mentor-in-chief around here. He's reachable at michelgelner@gmail.com. Eerie - 1gimpelovitz@gmail.com, Muttel - muttel15@gmail.com, and iwannalivereal - iwannalivereal@gmail.com are a great place to start!
That's also something that can help with loneliness, which was one of my main triggers for acting out.

I will just throw out there that it may be worthwhile to dig a little deeper and see if there's any underlying reason for your loneliness. I only mention this because that was the reality for me and when I discovered that, along with the amazing friends here, it changed my life. Literally.

Looking forward to seeing great things from you!
And don't forget, as always, KOMT!!

Hey, Realclean, you sound like a wonderful person who really and sincerely wants better. And beH you will. Stick around, read some threads, connect with some good guys (read:Proudyungerman) and beH you'll soon find yourself in a better place!
Keep trucking!

Regarding motivation,  I can tell you that the rewards of entering a marriage with success in this area (even if not 100%) will result in a marriage that will be more rewarding that you can possibly imagine! Kudos to you for working on this!