I was using an innocent app on my phone and found a way to get open web access, and went straig to p.
Again, I was feeling pretty apathetic, not reall caring, and then some of what I had been reading from the battle of the generation yesterday popped into my head, I don't even remember what it was, might not even have been any one specific thing that I saw, just that reading it was mechazek that its not worth it and that I don't want to be doing it, and I decided that its not worth it and stopped.

Stopping mid-fall is something supremely difficult to do. You should be making a seuda for this - drive home the point that you are in charge. You do have the ability to hold back. This can be a tremendous catalyst to a mindset shift....

With a ton of respect,
Muttel

Muttel wrote on 18 Dec 2024 15:18:



Like I said, I was feeling apathetic.
There was an urge, but it was pretty weak and I was just bored and didn't care enough not to.
So it didn't take an incredible amount of self control to stop.
Yeah, stopping was a win, but save the fireworks for January first.

A win.
What else should it mean?

tzaddikvikam13 wrote on 19 Dec 2024 16:33:

That's what you call it, but how are your processing it?

Muttel wrote on 18 Dec 2024 15:18:



Like I said, I was feeling apathetic.
There was an urge, but it was pretty weak and I was just bored and didn't care enough not to.
So it didn't take an incredible amount of self control to stop.
Yeah, stopping was a win, but save the fireworks for January first.

Since my fall two and half weeks ago, I've been falling more, having more urges, and been less motivated to fight.
I've started feeling afraid that the winning streak I've had since joining gye 3 months ago was just a honeymoon, a burst of motivation that won't last long-term, and from here on it will be a slow, one-step-forward-two-steps-backward, uphill battle.
I still don't know what will be, but the other night I had a strong urge to m, and I felt the old, familiar, attitude of "I don't care that I'm craving it, I don't do these things anymore, and I'm just not giving in", and I went on with my night.
So I'm feeling a little optimistic.

This is what happened:
Last night I showered at home for basically the first time since I started my fight and streak.
(I started my streak right before zman started).
I discovered that it looks like I had trained my brain that shower at home = m*******tion.
The second I got in, I started feeling an urge more intense than what I've felt for a while.
Body was tingling, begging. 
Sensations, erection, and I felt like I JUST WANT TO DO IT.
But the feelings don't get to choose, I do.
And I knew that I didn't really want to do it.
But my brain said no way.
Tried tricking me into being mz"l.
I was keeping my hands off and far away, but my brain almost physicaly forced me to just shift this way and that way...
It was VERY difficult.
Because it was happening subconsciously, involuntarily, without asking me.
But I fought.
And won.

I was using an innocent app on my phone and found a way to get open web access, and went straig to p.
Again, I was feeling pretty apathetic, not reall caring, and then some of what I had been reading from the battle of the generation yesterday popped into my head, I don't even remember what it was, might not even have been any one specific thing that I saw, just that reading it was mechazek that its not worth it and that I don't want to be doing it, and I decided that its not worth it and stopped.