Wow. That seems extremely hard and i commend you on your amazing work. 
Keep it up!!

Had a nasty fall.
Did p&m last night, this morning, afternoon...
I was so down afterwards that I wanted to go to p&m for soothing.
Now I'm in middle of getting over the 'hangover'.
Showing up to night seder and learning a little bit helped with that.
I better be able to get back up and move on from these falls, and not get stuck in a rut.

Buddy I totally feel you. Trying to pull yourself up and get yourself out. It's so hard!!
But keep pushing yourself!! We are cheering for you!! 
I'm happy to hear that you were able to show up to night seder and learn something. I always have a hard time focusing and feeling after falling!!! Good for you! You got this!!!

Feeling nervous,restless.antsy, a bit empty, craving stimulation...
...and I want to turn to p&m.
Holding myself back.

Haven't posted in a while.
Life is too crazy, or to quote Shmuel Kunda, "a long, hard day of doing nothing."
Anyways.
Boruch Hashem the week of Purim I had a bunch of wins.
Last week I had a lot of falls, m'd a lot.
This week clean so far.
This past leil Shabbos I didn't have pajamas (they were in the washing machine, wet, because I couldn't keep my head on straight enough to make time to also dry them erev shabbos) and went to sleep in my suit pants, because I was afraid that otherwise my hands might end up where they shouldn't be.