Dear tzadikatheart,

My heart goes out to you! What a difficult (but courageous) journey! I totally relate with all the feelings you describe, especially the despair you're having at the moment. You're going through a difficult phase. But you should know that its all normal. Don't get so upset about it. So many of us have been in a similiar situation but eventually succeeded. I have been there as well. Hit rock bottom. Falling is sometimes harder then winning.
The fact that your struggles started at such a young age definitely makes it more difficult (might be worth going for some therapy btw).
I also started young, at the age of 5 I had a curtain wierd sexual habit (that I'm embarrassed to share even though it's all anonymous here...) and at the age of 7 years old I would masturbate whenever i could (climax without ejaculation). At 9 years old I had a friend with whom I would get together every few days to do some sexual stuff... Then, at 11 years old I was abused by an uncle on a weekly basis until my bar mitzvah! By me it was an escape. My parents were fighting day and night and - from a very very young age - I took responsibility. There was immense tension at home, talks about divorce... really tough times... so I ended up endulging in my sexual fantasies...about the girls who would give me the love and warmth I so desperately needed... i discovered pornography (my parents were also naive so we had an unfiltered computer during all of my teen years)... it was a comforting and warm place to escape to but ultimately it left me with a brain that was damaged and wrongly wired. Wired to think that I can't manage without. So even once I left my home and went to Yeshiva and eventually got married to a wonderful wife - I couldn't stop. No matter how much I tried, I fell again and again. Each time harder then the one before. I had years of dispair. The more I fell the more numb i became and the less motivated I was. I was furious. I was ready to give up all my yiddishkeit... but BH with the help of GYE I've managed to brake free and I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel....Apologies for writing so much about myself, I got carried away... but I guess its comforting for you to know that other people have also had a tough journey and that dispair is very normal. Its just another challenge to overcome.
As I once heard from a great Mechanech: יאוש, שלא מדעת - dispair is not from the דעת, its from the סטרא אחרא.
Don't give up! 

"Try your best and Hashem will do the rest" - I promise it works!!
Speak to friends. Post on your thread. Read TBOTG (see link in my signature). Take it ODAAT. Celebrate even the smallest wins. And iyH no doubt you will succeed!

And if you need another bit of motivation and reason why you should get this beast under control, then maybe read this great post (by choosemyshem).

Looking forward to hearing from you updates...
Stay strong,
UpandDown

Shalom Brothers,
There might be something to learn from these seemingly odd behaviors for such a young child. At 4-5 years old are my earliest memories of desires that needn't be detailed. The thoughts and things felt good, and I wanted more. I fantasized a lot about it too. 

Years later, I looked back and thought I must be broken. I was born with this quirky thing and probably it messed me up for life. It wasn't fair.

It wasn't my fault, but I didn't really concentrate on whose fault it was. At some point I recognized that it was Hashem's 'fault'. He made me that way. On purpose. I had no seichel, no real choice, no clue about anything really. 

So the question then becomes: Why did Hashem design me and my circumstances to be this way? What was and is the purpose of it?

My conclusion of what the purpose was, is that it set the trajectory of my development - at least in a large part. All the emotions both then and in subsequent years have surely shaped how I feel and think. In good ways and in seemingly not great ways (everything that Hashem does is for the good, I just don't have an understanding of all His ways). 

What is the purpose now? Well, following the previous thought, there is a reason for me to have had that experience. Hashem gave it to me, and therefore it must play a role in His mission for me in life. I don't know if I did what I was supposed to with it yet or not; but it is inherently good somehow. It's no longer something I'm ashamed of or confused about. Hashem chose it as my nature, and now it's my job to figure out how to nurture it appropriately and fulfill its potential as He intended. 

"Sometimes when we’re in a dark place we think we’ve been buried; we’ve actually been planted".
          - Someone, and also Rabbi YY


At least that's how I think about it.
Curious to hear your thoughts?

Kol tov

How are you doing today, Tzaddik?

Of course, it's the simple truth that you, and all of us, have so much to be proud of!!!! The YH works overtime convincing us that all that we do is worthless because of our shortcoming in this one area. And that's utter nonsense! You have so much to be seriously proud of! Just look at yourself! You are truly amazing! Keep up the good work, keep smiling, and keep working at this, with simcha!!!!

eerie wrote on 07 Oct 2024 16:53:

Hi Eerie, thanks so much for checking in. Today has been good bh! I gain so so much Chizzuk getting emails that tell me someone just posted on my thread. Seeing other people's stories, seeing that people understand me and are cheering for me - it's made all the difference in how I feel at the moment of the battle with the Yetzer Hara. 
It's one part of my life that I battle, but I beat that Yetzer Hara in so many other places, and I will continue to fight and slaughter this beast until I stand proud and tall on top of it! 
I'm heavily wounded but I am healing, thanks to you all. Please keep the thread posts coming (no pressure, just when you all can )! Let's beat this together

tzadikatheart wrote on 07 Oct 2024 17:10:


Hello fellow Jew. 
And fellow struggler
And fellow complainer!!
Three for three! 

I also don't know why Hashem gave me this crazy test. Definitely during my teenage years I felt I was not in control of my own body. Similar to someone who has Parkinsons and cannot control the shaking, I felt hopeless. I probably carry a lot of trauma from those years. 


I'm reminded of a story. 
A Baal Teshuva had a very inappropriate tattoo and whenever he went to the mikvah, he would always try to hide it. One time on Erev Yom Kippur he went and the mikva was bumper to bumper. Of course, he slips and falls flat on his back and the whole mikva goes quiet while everyone stares at his tattoo. 
An older gentleman who has numbers on his arm from Auschwitz, reached out his arm and says, "We both have tattoos that remind us of painful times in our past. Come, let's get up together and go into Yom Kippur!" 

What a powerful story!

Tzadik at heart, you need a new username! You're not just a tzadik at heart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are a tzadik in action who struggles with a very powerful YH........

With much brotherly love,
Muttel

Hi everyone. 
It is with sadness that I admit that I fell today (right after Yom Kippur..)
To be honest, something pretty tragic happened to me over Yom Kippur (bh everything is OK but it stressed me a lot) and I got overwhelmed today and wanted to distract myself. Obviously I know porn and masturbation is not the answer, but I didn't feel strong enough and gave in. 

But I am still happy I went a week clean with the help of you guys. I am looking forward to picking back up and fighting onwards! 
Please, I can use a little Chizzuk... 

Hey, I just read your story and it really resonated with me because all in all it's basically exactly the same story as me. I'm also 22 and in shidduchim and I also fell today right after Yom Kippur. Happens to be it was after a 45 day streak of no porn, which I think is the longest streak I've ever had in my life. But anyways, I don't have much chizzuk to say to you other than hey! I'm here in this too right along with you!  We gotta make it out of this together!