richtig wrote on 04 Nov 2024 03:04:

You are correct not sure why I refer to it as a fall. I actually stood at the edge of the cliff and thought about it long and hard how I am going to regret it and how much better by life was without it and as those thoughts raced back and forth I just jumped like a retard knowing good and well that I was lying to myself and that I would suffer.

Not been great since my walk off the cliff…also going through a big nisayon in a different area of life which leaves me feeling like hashem is punishing me for my acting out. Although I intellectually know it’s not true but thats how I feel and it feels horrible. 
Want to just numb myself but know that I’ll only feel worse after. Lose lose situation. Sorrry for being so bleak. Like reading all the positivity here on this site now is just giving me a headache. Wishing I had the strength to rejoin and start again …maybe…

Rooting for you brother here's a tear  I feel {at least to the best of my ability} your pain

with love Akiva

ki sorisa wrote on 10 Nov 2024 05:43:

The worst part of positivity is when it manages to make you feel better despite you hating it and wishing it would go away.

But I'll leave the chizuk to others (besides for noting that you need to update the thread title since you blew way past motzei yom kippur.)

I agree with you. It is a lose lose situation. Oy li m'yitzrei oy li m'yotzrei. Masturbate and feel like garbage or don't masturbate and feel pressure and pain.

And that's fine. You're allowed to feel pain, you're allowed to feel like Hashem is punishing you and you're allowed to resent that. Feel whatever you want. It's normal, and it's all fine.

But that doesn't mean you have to give in.

ki sorisa wrote on 10 Nov 2024 05:43:

Feel you. In fact, I always feel like it gives me a headache. 

Yet, I try to stick it out. Hold my nose. Shove it down my throat, desperately hoping that it will eventually rub off on me.

REVERSE BRAINWASHING IS THE NAME OF THE GAME
​REVERSE BRAINWASHING IS THE NAME OF THE GAME
​REVERSE BRAINWASHING IS THE NAME OF THE GAME
​REVERSE BRAINWASHING IS THE NAME OF THE GAME
​REVERSE BRAINWASHING IS THE NAME OF THE GAME
​REVERSE BRAINWASHING IS THE NAME OF THE GAME
​REVERSE BRAINWASHING IS THE NAME OF THE GAME

Shalom Brother,

Would love to hear from you. How are you doing?

Yes, we would like to hear from you.

Hi all it’s been a while and don’t got much to say. I’ve been floating through life for the past while and not really fighting or got any motivation to. Been falling and stooping pretty low, then clean for few days and falling again, never more then a weeks time at most. 

I’m really struggling with finding any meaning in my life on a day to day basis and can’t find any motivation or desire to work on myself. 

All words of chizuk and advice is welcome.

Thank you to all that have reached out it means a lot to me. 

ki sorisa

Welcome back buddy. Sorry it is rough. There are a lot of great guys recently on the site who make themselves available to speak and "hold hands". Feel free to reach out for more info.

Hi,
I have to admit that I didn't last too long and too ashamed to get into details but totally went at it again last night...sick and tired of making any kabalos when I'm not really feeling like I actually want to do it.   Just left here really wanting to want but don't actually want.  End rant.

Feel very bad to hear you slipped. But it's always good to hear from you. Thanks for being honest with us.

ki sorisa wrote on 27 Dec 2024 01:45:

Excellent rant, thank you for sharing it with the oilam.

I feel ya.

If I can make a suggestion. Generally, it's recommended on GYE that a kabaloh like "I won't masturbate for chanukah" is doomed to fail. If we were capable of just deciding not to masturbate for set amounts of time we probably we wouldn't be here. The place for a kabolah is on the geder - e.g. I will give my unfiltered devices to someone else for chanukah. That is to say, perhaps it was an unrealistic kabaloh and you shouldn't feel so bad about not sticking to it. Maybe we can come up with a better plan.

Shem is 104% correct. Kabalos are not for us filthy pervs (I'm quoting red) 
And they are a waste of time. It's just setting yourself up to fail. 
How long would an alcoholic stay sober if he said, 'im not drinking anymore'. Maybe five minutes. 
It's weak sauce. 
Don't bother with it. 
Get on the phone and call a friend. NOW! 

odyossefchai wrote on 27 Dec 2024 16:37:

Pretty sure I said Ex-pervs. And filthy was never mentioned.(only thought)

redfaced wrote on 30 Dec 2024 13:30:


You only know me for four months so you called me a perv. Get to know me another four months and you'll call me a filthy perv. 
I don't wanna predict what you'll call me after an additional four months.