ki sorisa wrote on 23 Oct 2024 18:50:

I know exactly what you mean…

Yes. I love my father and he loves me, but he's never been very emotionally available, through no fault of his own. Oh, and as studies show, this might just be why I suffered with SSA as a boy and bochur, a source of tremendous confusion and anguish. (I don't think I've ever mentioned this fun fact on this forum, but here you go.) B"H now that I'm married, it hasn't been an issue.

Wow this is kinda awesome, I join this community for p&m issues, but i find a community for almost all my life challanges {community, is honestly the best therapy for life issues}

I grew up with a very chashuva father a real ben torah tzadik hador, but also very controll freaking, expected everything from his kids and gave the minimum compliments possible. I had AND STILL {now after 9 yrs of marrige} have a non loving relationship with him, more like a formal relationship.

although I try my best to keep out of harms way, I dont always succeed, even when I know that I did nothing wrong, the natural ahavas haben al hu'av makes me feel like a failure and bad person {especially now after a 3 day yom tov staying at his house really hard}

and yes I also find myself being not the best father to my kids, even though I try to protect them from what I went thru, But as we all know "nature is nature".

BUT I do have 1 awesome solution i've heard years back from moreinu harav Zechariah Wallerstein ztzvka"l. 

He would always point out that the greatest present one can give to someone else in life, is "TIME" giving someone from your time is the stongest way of showing affection and love, thats why the Mitzva we are all dealing with and trying to achieve true intimacy, is called in the torah "onah" which interperts as "time".

and so just as he would always say that he loves his father to no end even after all the beatings he got, due to the basketball game his father would play with him every friday as soon as he got home from school, spent precious "time" with him personaly, so too I try to give each and everyone of my kids their private 15 -20 minutes at least once a week, {תפסת מרובה לא תפסתת תפסת מועט תפסת}

rebakiva wrote on 27 Oct 2024 17:01:


Wow! Hashem gave you a hard father and you understood that it wasn't healthy so you chose to rise up and forge your own path and understand what is needed so now you realize and you have won. 
Hafleh Vafeleh
Amazing

And now we are beginning to understand why Hashem gave us these massive challenges. 
Eye opening

ki sorisa wrote on 23 Oct 2024 18:50:

Shalom Brother,
As Reb Muttel mentioned, you need to keep at it. Like mussar that you need to review many times so that it starts to really seep in. Practice that catching yourself for just a moment to regulate before responding. You can learn new habits. 

I recently listened to the audiobook Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by Dr John Gottman (published in 1997) and then bought a used copy of the book on ebay. Reviewing the mindset and mentally rehearsing helps me to react the way I would like to more often.

Hatzlacha

Thank you all for your replies it means a lot to me and gives me much chizzuk.

I would like to reply to some of them but am extremely busy these days and don’t have much time to. I hope to iyh when I have some free time. 

Bh 28 days of living in reality and not my imagination.

This thread has given me an indescribable amount of chizuk.
Keep up the amazing work! 

redfaced wrote on 23 Oct 2024 13:40:

Mitzva l'farsem!

#31
Felt quite horny throughout the whole day. Would describe it as “annoying” as it wouldn’t let me focus on anything i knew I had to accomplish. Like I know I DONT want to go down that path of hell but just can’t shake these deep desires. Bh still here to tell the tale. Hoping it passes.

Gnite to y’all!

ki sorisa wrote on 01 Nov 2024 04:04:

WOW! Many would have acted upon that "annoying" feeling by acting out.

KEEP TRUCKING!

ki sorisa wrote on 01 Nov 2024 04:04:


Yeah I had that too. 
Was horny the whole day and it was stopping me from getting things done. The feelings pass but they aren't cool when they are around. 
You are a warrior. Don't stop! 

Feeling very weak this moment, I don’t have much access to anything and have no patience filter poking for hours on end to finally find something that’s just a tease and not enough. Besides that while experience leaves me more determined than ever to get hold of something eventually. I really want to call a chat line right now but decided that I must put it out here first. Not sure if it’s to make me feel better if I do go for it or perhaps to get some chizzuk but regardless zeh hamatzv achshav

why not call a "human chat guy" who can help keep strong and just shmooze to distract you abit

….fell…

I know that what differentiates the men from the boys are those that get back up and continue but actually want to just knock myself out entirely and have no desire to try again at this moment. 

ki sorisa wrote on 04 Nov 2024 03:03:

?