Thank you all for your thank yous and replies. Went to sleep early last night for everyone’s sanity including my own. Bh feeling better today and feel better equipped to deal with life’s challenges. Hoping the chol hamoed extravaganza today isn’t too difficult. Wishing all of you a wonderful day!

Bh a better day mentally and emotionally. This is the second time in my life coming into ‏הושענה רבה clean.

I wouldn’t describe the way I feel necessarily that I’m feeling all good pumped with myself and don’t necessarily feel any more connected to hashem. It’s just that I am not walking into this special day with this overbearing feeling of self disappointment ridden with shame and guilt as I normally would be which leads me to the following thought.

I tend to only know how to connect my heart to hashem through the feelings of brokenness and distance and being that I’m feeling sort of complacent right now it gets more difficult for me to connect and daven to him and I have a hard time forming any other emotional relationship with him.  

So although this year I may not shed any tears under my tali’s as the pain normally pierces my heart with the words  ״‏הושענא נפש מבהלה הושענא״ I will still try my best and have you all in mind as I say these beautiful words to our father in heaven on this holy day. 

May we finally be zoche to the ‏ישועה רבה that we are all yearning for.

Any thoughts regarding my inability to connect emotionally to hashem other than form a place of brokenness is welcome.

I wish I had answers. 
At the moment, all I'm focused on is staying clean. And BH it's working. I have 10,000,000 other challenges in my life. (ok I'm exaggerating, it's more like 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000)
Right now, my davening is maybe a little better, but I wouldn't say that my relationship with Hashem is on a high level. Some other things, I don't have the energy to work on right now. 
And I'm ok with it. 
Maybe my dveikus to Hashem is on a lower level than it has been in the past. (Assuming that we are meant to walk around all day totally devoted to Hashem, that just sounds like the stuff in fairy tale books. For most people, this is a lifetime of work, of challenge, of trying to get closer, trying to feel the love and connection)
I think that by not forcing my relationship with Hashem, I'm in a much better place. 
I used to try more but then again, I was carrying 20+ years of M and 15+ years of P. 
Was that better? Walking around knowing that no matter what I do, I will fall. Knowing that I don't have a way to stop M? For me, I would say, definitely not. 
Right now I have unburdened the weight off my shoulders. I no longer carry around the need to M several times a week. I don't carry around the desperation to run to P for many hours a week just because I'm in a bad mood or because I need it for whatever reason (wife rejects me or whatever) 

I'm burden free from those things for now. That's my focus and joy. That's actually what I know Hashem wants me to throw away. I'm happy in my place in this area.

Yes, I’m telling myself the same thing was just curious to hear others perspective on this. Like I’m always unsure if it’s just a messed up thing by me due to my painful upbringing and lack of father in any emotional way that makes me only relate in this way to him. Wtvr. I find it really hard to express myself properly especially in writing. It takes me way too long to write in a way that I feel I’m conveying accurately how I feel but I appreciate you responding 

But yeah I def know that this is way more important than me having any so called “feelings” of connection 

How about the same you’d connect to your human father?

Ta, I love you. Thank you for saving me from the cesspool of pornography and masturbation. Thank you for infusing kedusha into my life. Thank you for providing me with the friends that can help me reach my potential after so many years of feeling guilt and pain. Thank you Ta for this cleansing, and thank you for doing it now and not when I’m an old man…

Ta, one more thing. Can you please help me continue to grow and help others achieve this magical freedom? It’s literally life saving….

This is what I do…..

With such happiness at your success,
Muttel

Muttel wrote on 23 Oct 2024 02:42:

The script looks right but I never experienced any emotional feelings with my father so can’t relate to that invoking any feelings. I guess in general in life I don’t really feel much I sort of numbed myself and only feel pain. I don’t really ever get happy or excited over anything and am always searching for meaning..connection… feeling..

I’ll tell you one of my secrets. I don’t really experience these with my father much either. Sometimes a bit, but not regularly. Kinda complicated. But I started talking this way with Hashem based on R Avigdor Miller. It slowly seeps in and now I can invoke some emotion/connection when having these conversations, understanding that He is listening and loves me too…..

Try it!

Muttel wrote on 23 Oct 2024 09:34:

Me neither, which is why its something that I try my hardest to make sure that my kids do have

ki sorisa wrote on 23 Oct 2024 01:41:

Fantastic post, thank you for sharing.

Mad props on coming into Hoshana rabbah clean, and I'll join in your simcha as it's a first for me too!

Re: connection to Hashem. 1) Go read Dov's nuclear reset button post several times. 2) I felt the same way this Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur - like if I'm not broken with guilt I don't know how to do teshuva. 3) Needing to relearn the basics is fine. That's how life goes. Put in the work and enjoy the process. 4) Not many eitzos since I'm somewhat in a similar boat here

Muttel wrote on 23 Oct 2024 09:34:

Knowing that you can somewhat relate to the father son disconnection and are working on the things you wrote about make your words more meaningful to me . Thank you

redfaced wrote on 23 Oct 2024 13:40:

I would love to say that I try my hardest as well but I feel myself failing more than succeeding in this area. I always find myself reacting as my father did with me and it kills me. Like a huge disconnect between what I know and how I feel and react. Sometimes I’m more aware in the moment and tell myself to be more patient accepting and loving but it so so hard when not having it engrained naturally from my own father. I feel like I was never given the manual 

I’m not counting the days cause doesn’t work that well for me but bh clean going into shemini atzeres. Wishing you all a beautiful yom tov!

May we be zoche to ״ואמר ביום ההוא הנה אלוקינו ‏זה, זה ד׳ קיוינו לו
נגילה ונשמחה בישועתו״”

I too am in a similar boat. I know how you feel very well. Maybe we should start our own thread lol. I bet there a lot of people here in a similar situation..

iwantlife wrote on 23 Oct 2024 20:45:

Similar in regards to what, father/son relationship?

#26