Something mentioned many times on the forum was how recovery for singles can be very hard. The reason is because they have much less of a motivation to stop. They don't have a bedroom life being ruined by it. They don't have a wife to feel their cheating on. They don't have a family that their "feeling down" affects.

So it struck me that there may be many single guys who show up on the forums, look around, but aren't motivated enough to stop. I thought it would be a good idea to have a thread specifically talking to the singles, and giving them reasons and motivation to stop (besides of course the religious guilt - which usually doesn't help).

So from here I give over the stage to those bigger, better and smarter than me to spread there wealth for us struggling:

Something mentioned many times on the forum was how recovery for singles can be very hard. The reason is because they (me included) have much less of a motivation to stop. They don't have a bedroom life being ruined by it. They don't have a wife to feel their cheating on. They don't have a family that their "feeling down" affects.



So it struck me that there may be many single guys who show up on the forums, look around, but aren't motivated enough to stop. I thought it would be a good idea to have a thread specifically talking to us singles, and giving us reasons and motivation to stop (besides of course the religious guilt - which usually doesn't help).



So from here I give over the stage to those bigger, better and smarter than me to spread there wealth for us struggling:


I’m confused. In your previous posts you shared with us how you with the assistance of Gye mentors you had managed to turn over a new leaf and remain clean for an extended period of time. You expressed appreciation enthusiasm and excitement. What happened? 

Sorry for the misunderstanding. You are right, I am thank god in a pretty good place right now. When I wrote me included (which I took out by now), I meant I as a single don't have the motivation to stay clean that married men have. I didn't mean to say right now I am not motivated.

PS When you want to quote someone you just click on the quote button on the bottom right of the post you want to quote and it does the job for you. Hatzlacha Raba!

stopsurvivingstartliving wrote on 12 Sep 2024 23:38:

IMAGINATION:

It can inspire us to greatness. Truly
It can boost sex drive through fantasy. 
It can create illusions of married life being a different world than single

This idea of a thread for singles has been looping multiple times on gye and my imagination tells me it ain’t gonna stop

Markz wrote on 13 Sep 2024 12:24:

Shalom Brothers,

I don't work for Artscroll, but I will attempt to elucidate Markz's post.
There is a valid point to what you (SSSL) are saying, but it also very much risks focusing on this struggle (and struggles in general) the wrong way. 
I imagine that the reason Markz imagines that this topic will continue to cycle on GYE is likely because singles are looking to separate their matziv from the marrieds, and that is barking up the wrong tree. 'You', single guys, have different struggles and different motivations. 'Us' married folks also have different struggles and different motivations. Splintering based on differences can continue until no two people are the same and there is no cohesiveness or community (like what is happening in our times with gender identity etc nonsense). 

Yes, there is general advice for all of us. There is advice that might work differently for married people compared to single, but without a very specific and definable factor that changes the game for everyone (like clinically addicted vs deeply ingrained habit), we can be unintentionally excusing ourselves based on being in a harder different situation.

To be blunt, what if a wife doesn't enjoy sex. What if she's not very emotionally connected. What if she's subjectively not as attractive as most other women. What if their relationship isn't obviously suffering, or it's not good - p&m not withstanding. What if the person doesn't actually feel down about their indulgences and their family it pretty much fine. So often marriage does not fix these problems for people (and sometimes the problem grows), because they were not approached properly to deal with the root.

This is a 'me' problem and it needs a 'me' solution. All these other factors are indeed valid variables that can help, but their beneficial effects are a byproduct of your situation, not the solution to it.

To sum up: You can get advice that is more tailored for a single / bochur and it will be helpful, but it should not be considered a totally different circumstance as far as where the focus of the work needs to be.

I'm starting to lose my brain a bit, so I hope that made sense (and is somewhat accurate). Further elucidation and any other opinions on this are welcome

Thanks for that.

How'd you know I was wondering what Rabbeinu Markz meant?

Have a good shabbos!

I often wonder what he means. His depth is hard to grasp in his brief words.
I also might be totally wrong on what he meant.
Sometimes a less straight answer gets your thinking and helps more than a clear one.

sorry to be a bore - but I agree: woman and married men can totally be in the same situation as singles...  Its bad, but some times we just store everything else up.

Cheers and l'chaim!

    Lo lishma, ba lishma. I started my journey to recovery as a single guy for 2 reasons.
1) I was starting to get scared by what triggered me
2) I was and am getting closer to the point where I want to start shidduchim and I can't be doing this while dating/married

    The more driving reason was #2 even though it's not pertaining to me specifically but to how I would be when with my future wife and children. 
    The point of this is to say that yes this is a "me" problem but having the motivation to get better through a non-me reason is very helpful and also can be critical.
      I now can fully say that I am doing this for myself, but I still have the benefit of becoming a better person for my future family which is definitely not insignificant.
       How we as singles and even you married folks out there, react and change now directly affect how our future will be and that is the key point.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!