Someone PM'd me that im BACK to day one
I choose to look at it as STARTING day one.
I'm not regressing, im Progressing [from today onwards]

Sorry if my deleted post was triggering for any of you.
To make it short, I acted out and felt bad about it, Enough is enough and I have pledged to get back on the bandwagon.
I made some calls to keep the hisorrorous and commitment.
I have finished day one
consciously ignored many opportunities for second looks [although did take some at a wedding tonight]
Did service to stay sober
Reached out to get a potential sponsors number
ODAAT

Day 7
been ill in bed, no mental space to post

Day 9

to keep u posted from the other thread:

SO:
I schlepped myself to the meeting on Sunday - ill as the rebbe [no offence]
and approached someone who I thought might be available to sponsor.
He said he's not done al the steps but can help me with step 4
JUST THE MALACH I WAS LOOKING FOR
Anyways he called today [and I schlepped myself out of bed to the car to get some privacy]
and HE WAS SPOT ON!!
My issue always was that I don't have any people to put on the resentment list.
He told me that to have a resentment it means that you were let down by someone, if you have NO-ONE it must mean that you never felt deserving enough in order to be let down. OUCH
He also told me the most common reasons for omitting people on the list 'coz they didn't mean it, they didn't understand, it's not their fault' etc.
But in order to FORGIVE we have to first OWN the hurt.
He then said that if we want a open relationship with Hashem, we as children want that unconditional loving and understanding being-there-for relationship with our parents, and if we didn't get it it's like saying we forgive G-d for October 7th coz he was so busy with the war in Ukraine that Gaza slipped between the cracks. [Hope i'm writing coherently] 
So am writing up my list and will keep u posted...!
another gem from my 'sponsor'
[And this may be a key difference between an addict and a ba'al taava]
The idea of step 4 is to
Identify and experience the incidences that cause to act out – because we as addicts act out not from urge rather from justification.
By identifying what makes us rationalize and justify our acting out [even though it's messing up our lives]
we can then work on cleaning the house
I want to admt that I am not living a step 3 quite yet
Ich main that shtiet we ARRIVED to step 3, it's a process that will sink in IYH.
I also have realized that my acting out was from not surrendering the desire for relationship, but not forcing my wife either.
It's part of my step 4 that my wife wasnt there for me when I needed.

Speakin' in general terms: someone can also not have a resentment list, for he is too damn haughty to admit that people have let this Holy, righteous person down

cordnoy wrote on 28 Nov 2024 13:56:

Interesting. 
My primary way of getting rid of resentment is to realize that my expectations (and resulting resentments) are undeserved. Who says I have a right to expect all the things I think I do, besides ego? Realizing this helps a lot with Shalom Bayis, and dealing with pain in life, even outside of the framework of the Steps. 

Day 12
definitely feeling the lust less, however still triggered to do something that I'm not allowed to mention on GYE
Am going to a meeting soon and should really get some sleep.
I did do some kibud av and write a letter home for an hour without checking emails
quite impressive.

Day 13 [you do the math!]
no chavrusa this AM
DOING STEPWORK!!
YAY