So I just fell. But this time is a little different. Yes I'm in pain, and regretting what I did. But weirdly, and for the first time, I'm staying positive. It usually takes a day to relieve the guilt and self hurtful thoughts. But now there's something else. A little hope. And I feel it. I can't describe it but it's there. I wish I didn't fall. I wish I held myself back. I couldn't. Everything just happened so quick. I HATE what I did. But I don't hate myself. For the first time my thoughts right after were not "you're terrible", or "you're in shidduchim you can't still be watching these things" or "you're a liar/fake/loser... etc." (you get the point). For the first time, when I got my senses back I actually just took a breath. I asked myself what just happened. What triggered me. I analyzed myself. Not too deeply but I did. And I feel hopeful because of that. Not proud, I don't think I can say proud. Maybe one day when I actually beat this thing for good I'll be proud. But while I still don't believe that I'll ever be fully clean, there is something inside of me that says "hey, you're doing the work maybe there is a chance someday". It's such a small sliver of a feeling. But it's there. I know it's there. I still need so much help and work and I'm still in pain for what I did. But maybe, just maybe I'll be better off tomorrow because of the tragedy that happened today.

Welcome!

Staying positive after a fall is wonderful (I'm doing that as we speak...). Stick around here with us, because the negativity might hit you in a day or two and we are here to embrace you and hold your hand. 

Keep rocking dear friend,

@sytv
I had a hard time reading your post due to the formatting, but I loved the general message. In particular this line at the end jumped out at me:

"But maybe, just maybe I'll be better off tomorrow because of the tragedy that happened today"

Boy, are you on the money! 

I know that this might not be in line with your hashkafa as I don't know you background, but I will share the following thought:

Hashem is in control of everything in creation, even the dumb decisions you make. How to reconcile this with the concept of free will is not for now, but that is a tenet of Chassidus: Every aveira you do, even as it is opposed to Hashem's will, is at a deeper level something which can be used to bring you even closer to Hashem than you were before. This is a point that can certainly be misused and abused, but it doesn't make it less true...

There's a Chassidishe vort on the beracha of Hashkiveinu:
"Vehaser satan milfaneinu-remove the satan from us before us, so that we do not sin
Umeiachareinu-and from behind us, that he does not succeed in sucking us into despair by reminding us of past sins...."

Keep up the positive attitude and you will make it much further than if you took the low road of self flagellation and rumination
Hashem loves you more than you can ever imagine.

All the best, keep posting and shoot me a PM if you'd like,
OivedElokim

Yes! You will get there soon BEH. I was probably in a worse situation than you, for years. BH I am clean now, and it is such a pleasure! Keep taking steps... and utilize the fall to go higher!

Hello Friend, 

Lincoln said:

"If I had eight hours to chop down a tree, I'd spend the first six hours sharpening my axe.” 

It sounds like youre doing that

Keep it up

richtig wrote on 17 Jul 2024 13:29:

On that same note, George Washington said, If I had to chop down a tree, I'd deny it afterwards. So by you admitting you're already better than Washington and Lincoln . 
Cool

Y'know, that reminds me of the time Teddy Roosevelt said he would like to make a wooden guitar from a tree he chopped himself and go out and play it for the Men in the Arena. His charismatic and polio-stricken cousin Franklin Delano commented on his own wooden wheelchair that "We have nothing to steer but the chair itself..."  His longtime voter and admirer, Ronald Reagan, would frequently challenge Russian bureaucrats to "Tear down this tree" and his most famous speech was a 1964 address titled "A Time For Chopping".

That's enough for now...

Well, my favorite Teddy Roosevelt quote is “Speak softly and carry a big stick”. 

Cordnoy, perhaps would have had various ways to interpret this, but he ain’t around these days, sadly.