chaimoigen wrote on 15 Nov 2024 05:19:
“Losing Out. Or Not?”
By: Chaim Oigen
This one was in my “Friday Night Blues” thread, in the BB Section. But it’s really a universal Yesod, not limited to how to feel about “missing out” when the wife isn’t up for intimacy.
How many times are we compelled by the feeling that “I don’t want to lose this chance”, when the opportunity presents itself? A glance.. a stare… or more…. But am I really losing something? Does “Chapping Arein” an experience mean that I “got” something? Or is that just illusion? Yes, pleasure is real, a feeling of pleasure. But when I really realize that I don’t have less when I passed up an experience, well - it changes the playing field and rules of the game.
At least it did for me.
chaimoigen wrote on 03 Apr 2024 17:44:
While in the throes of sexual desire, there is sometimes a strong illusion that not to havefulfillment of this need, would be a loss. I feel that I would be losing out if I don’t have it. This carries over with Shmiras Enayim too- If there’s something exiting to see and I won’t take advantage and miss it, there’s a feeling that I would be losing out. If my wife and I had planned to “go to sleep early” and then one of us got an important call and it got late and she was too tired - I realized that in the past I had felt like I lost an irreplaceable opportunity. And that feeling would sometimes cause me to get bent out of shape and put me in a bad mood. This is actually the Yesod of the “Friday Night Blues”.
But I’m starting to feel differently now. I love being intimate with my wife. But if it doesn’t work out today, there’s always next time. The point is this - If things between us are good overall (including the bedroom, which is important), then the individual times and experiences aren’t nearly as important as they feel like at the time. In fact, each individual experience probably isn’t so important at all, except for the fact that I want it, which in itself is not truly a matter of importance (except to the lower half of my body, who isn’t a Man Di’amar of such great importance).
Having a healthy and happy bedroom life is an important part of marriage. Getting what I want at the time that I want it is not. Waiting a couple of weeks, at this stage in my life, while being frustrating, won’t inherently impact our relationship in any way. Unless I would make a big deal about it internally and externally, and send my wife on a guilt trip, and make my wants into a whole huge imperative.
Well, thankfully I choose not to do that today.
Thanks GYE.
I think I’m seeing pretty clearly today. Feels good. ברוך ה!
מאן דבעי חיים
I recall this one from the FNB thread. And was actually just thinking about this when my filter went AWOL.
For years, unfiltered internet was an "opportunity" I had to grab. Maybe I could use some self-control and delay grabbing it, sometimes even until the point where the "opportunity" was "lost". But it was an opportunity.
You brought out how to deal with the "loss" in the context of intimacy. But (as your post makes clear) it's a foundational yesod that resonates throughout every angle of the struggle. It's not an
opportunity.
The way I've been trying to think about it recently is something like this. If I truly want to act out I could do so, whenever, wherever, and however. Oh this particular attractive woman or unfiltered device or whatever may not ever come by again. But I don't act out because of particular objects of desire. I act out because of life.
So a particular situation isn't an opportunity or, indeed, a challenge.* It's a flavor of life. And the goal is just to live a life that doesn't need to have acting out as a part of it.
So whether it's niddah issues, unfiltered internet, that girl walking by wearing just the right outfit, whatever. None of that is anything. The only significant factors in play are me and G-d. Everything else is just a distraction.
Not entirely sure I said this right, or even believe it, but I think you get the idea. There are no "opportunities" lost. There is only
you.
*
Obviously some situations are challenges. A day to day unfiltered computer or random lady ain't exactly aishes potiphar. It's just a facet of life that needs to be dealt with. You can take this attitude or leave it. I know many choose to look at each urge as a nisayon they overcome, and if that works for them it's awesome. I'm working on being a little less dramatic about my penis, to put it bluntly.
Warning: Spoiler!
