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Really struggling

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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.

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TOPIC: Really struggling 165 Views

Really struggling 01 May 2024 23:46 #412376

levbasar148 OFFLINE Fresh Boarder Posts: 7 Karma: 0	Hi, I’m really struggling with terrible shame that comes along with any kind of acting out. It’s the shame cycle that keeps me trapped

Re: Really struggling 01 May 2024 23:58 #412377

yitzchokm
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You said it well. The Flight to Freedom program says that guilt and shame, if not utilized properly leads to more falls. Instead, a person should view a fall as a simple mistake, brush himself off, learn from his mistake what he can do better next time and move on. Once you use your falls to see how you can do better next time, they are part of the healing process. Even if a person has a few falls he may actually be making progress in reaching freedom if they are utilized properly. Focus more on growth and less on your past mistakes. Don't let your mistakes define you as a person. Instead of viewing them as personal failures view them as simple mistakes that can be utilized for future growth. If you had any success, even if it was temporary and you ended up falling, make a great deal out of it as it will give you the strength and courage for future wins. It can help a lot to post any success you have because the positive feedback will make you stronger. Keep on posting and sharing, make friends and keep on monster trucking.

P.S. I suggest that you take the Flight to Freedom course and regularly read The Battle of the Generation. Here is the link to the e-book: https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation These two have helped many people break free, including myself.

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/399000-My-long-journey

Last Edit: 02 May 2024 00:02 by yitzchokm.

Re: Really struggling 02 May 2024 02:04 #412381

vehkam
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levbasar148 wrote on 01 May 2024 23:46:

Hi, I’m really struggling with terrible shame that comes along with any kind of acting out. It’s the shame cycle that keeps me trapped

That shame comes directly from the yetzer hara. It is a trap that many fall into. Try as much as possible to focus on the positive things that you do. Listen to the chevra here. Fighting back after your fall is what will get you to greatness. Try to see it as an opportunity.

vehkam7@gmail.com

guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/375452-Work-in-progress

The Battle of the Generation by Hillel S. has been a huge help for me. Message me to find out how you can receive a free copy.

some of the experiences I write about may make it easier to identify me. This is ok. I trust that if anyone discovers my identity they will keep it to themselves. If you do realize that you know me, I am completely comfortable and welcome you acknowledging me and my struggle in person.

Re: Really struggling 02 May 2024 03:06 #412383

chaimoigen
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Shalom!
Here’s a warm hand.

There a lot of guys here who can understand. It hurts.
Self-loathing, guilt, and a deep sense of shamefullness make a person feel broken and worthless. Then there’s no one left to believe you can be someone else, no one to hope, no one to find the strength inside.

It’s a lie.

There is hope.
There is a part of you that knows this isn’t what you want. The part that maybe feels ashamed, but isn’t shameful. That part that will break free, given the chance and the tools.

GYE means hope. A lot of good folks have discovered the joy of breaking the cycle. With Hashem’s help you can too.

Stay in touch. This is a good place.

מאן דבעי חיים

Please feel free to reach out anytime at chaim.oigen@gmail.com

Re: Really struggling 02 May 2024 10:45 #412392

chaimoigen
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I was reading an old post that I got Chizzuk and food for thought out of. I thought I’d share some of it with you…
gibbor120 wrote on 15 Mar 2013 01:36:

First of all WELCOME to our community! It's great to have you with us.

Reading your posts, I had a few thoughts...

pischoshelmachat wrote:

I started my 90 day journey last Shabbos and it feels great so far. I know that I will walk into an ambush any time and I daven that with my little hishtadlus in joining this wonderful community of GYE and with the chizuk from my new partner, I will be able to pass my first test.

From your next post, it seems you passed your first test B"H

.

pischoshelmachat wrote:

I am now almost 46 and I so badly want to be mesaken this while I am still in the young years so that my Teshuvah can be complete.

Hoping for a complete teshuva is a noble goal. You do not spell out what "the horrible things I did" are, but if you are an addict, the goal of "recovery" and "progressive freedom from lust" (or something like that) are both more realistic and more healthy. We have all been on the teshuva, nefila, teshuva roller coaster. It gets us nowhere. It just goes round and round and round. It sounds like you are familiar with the ride like the rest of us.

pischoshelmachat wrote:

I don't like to talk or even think about what I have done in the past because it is too painful for me to face the horrible things that I did that are so not who I really am. I want this to be the beginning of my new life that is Tocho K'Baro.

Yes, it is painful to face those things in the past, and I don't recommend wallowing in them, but facing them will help you move on. I shared my story with a few safe people and it helped me to accept myself as I am. It ultimately helped me to move on. You say "that are so not who I really am". Well, who did those maasim? You did them - right?

I am not trying to be mean. I have been there, and had the same thoughts. I wanted to be perfect, but it is hard to feel perfect when you are doing things you know are wrong, and can't stop! I had to let go of those feelings of trying to be perfect/kaddosh and accept who I was. Trying to be perfect/kaddosh was part of the problem for me. It created stress. Which led me to my stress reliever...

which led to feelings of guilt... which is stressful.... which led to my stress releiver

... and so the roller coaster went round and round. I learned that my problem, was not that I was doing issurim. My problem was living life. My "solution" to the problem, was doing devarim assurim.

I had periods of sobriety, but they didn't last, they had no foundation. I had to first accept myself, warts and all, before I could move on. I had to do as dov says "get off the 18 wheeler and on to a trycycle". Let go of the inflated expectations and face reality. Speaking to someone in person really makes reality hit. We need is to live in reality, not fantasy.

I tried to convey some things I have learned. Many of them, I have learned from Dov…

I wish you hatzlacha rabbah! We are all in this together.

Please feel free to reach out anytime at chaim.oigen@gmail.com

Last Edit: 02 May 2024 10:46 by chaimoigen.

Re: Really struggling 02 May 2024 12:30 #412393

Captain
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I second the idea of reading The Battle of the Generation. Especially read Appendix A to help you get out of your unmanageable paralyzing guilt, and then go to the rest of the book.

Hatzlocha!