Hi I'm an older guy in and I've been clean sometimes for a while, but I'm just afraid I won't get married because I'm older and my family is not religious and they have a lot of issues. I'm also pretty shy and not such a good conversationalist on dates. Also I'm afraid that if I watch porn and masturbate Hashem is Going to Punish me by not Answering my tefillos to get married and that is making me end up falling again because I'm assuming I wont get married anyway and I'll be stuck with these urges because I don't have a wife. I also see all these older men that arent married and I'm afraid I'll be on of them. How can I get out of this mindset I feel like I'm stuck? 

AniMaamin wrote on 12 Apr 2024 17:16:

I once heard Rabbi Dovid Orlofsky saying over a story where he was teaching a group of not yet religious teenagers. He asked them how they pictured G-d in their mind. One kid raised his hand and said he see G-d as an old man shaking his cane (cordnoy?) yelling angrily I'm gonna get YOU!!!!!
That's not the G-d that I believe in. My G-d is a warm caring father just waiting for us return to him so he can shower us with all kinds of good stuff.

What have you been doing so far to work on you porn & masturbation habit?

Thanks, but I see the punishement unfolding in front of my eyes, because I am still single after dating for many years. 
  So far I've filtered my devices to the highest degree but then bought an unfiltered phone for 30 dollars or I find unfiltered devices to use. I see a therapist. I havent posted on the forum regularly, but most of the time I stay clean. I think that being single and having seemingly bad conditions to get married in the frum world is making me feel hopeless and lowering my confidence which brings me back to porn. So I wish I could stop completely, but I feel stuck in this hopeless cycle. And I listen to shiurim on bitachon and try to believe that Hashem will surely Send me my zivug very soon as those shiurim often suggest people do, but no yeshuos yet, and its been a while.

redfaced wrote on 12 Apr 2024 17:33:

Thanks, but I see the punishement unfolding in front of my eyes, because I am still single after dating for many years. 
  So far I've filtered my devices to the highest degree but then bought an unfiltered phone for 30 dollars or I find unfiltered devices to use. I see a therapist. I havent posted on the forum regularly, but most of the time I stay clean. I think that being single and having seemingly bad conditions to get married in the frum world is making me feel hopeless and lowering my confidence which brings me back to porn. So I wish I could stop completely, but I feel stuck in this hopeless cycle. And I listen to shiurim on bitachon and try to believe that Hashem will surely Send me my zivug very soon as those shiurim often suggest people do, but no yeshuos yet, and its been a while.

Hey there,
Im also stuck in this "G-d is out to get me mindset", it's a very painful place to be in...it's painful for G-d too

AniMaamin wrote on 12 Apr 2024 17:16:

The words in bold describe a depression loop designed by the Yetzer Hora himself. Porn = Punishment = Giving up on marriage = Porn. Also, if marriage would resolve your struggle with P&M why shouldn't Hashem have an interest in helping you find your zivug so that you aren't challenged? Also, what point would it serve for Hashem to punish you if all it is going to do is lead to sin? In addition, why do you assume that the reason you haven't found your zivug is because of punishment? Maybe, not being married yet is a challenge that Hashem gave you so that you can grow in Kedusha and become a special person. Perhaps it is an opportunity that Hashem gave you because He knows that you can be loyal to Him and succeed.

The challenges of P&M don't necessarily go away with marriage and I think it is an overstatement to state that as long as you don't have a wife you are stuck. Also, there are many people on GYE who are single and managed to overcome their challenges of P&M for good.

Daven to Hashem that you overcome your challenges and also that you find your zivug. Davening will help you overcome your challenges, a) because Hashem will answer your prayers that you overcome them and b) because hoping to get married should have a positive psychological effect in decreasing the intensity of your urges for P&M.

yitzchokm wrote on 14 Apr 2024 05:29:

This is a truly excellent post.

chooseurname wrote on 14 Apr 2024 22:12:

I agree this really made me feel a lot better thanks

You wrote "Also I'm afraid that if I watch porn and masturbate Hashem is Going to Punish me by not Answering my tefillos to get married"

The reality - If Hashem punished all those who watch pornography and masturbate by withholding their zivug, very few people would be married....

Hashem Help Me wrote on 18 Apr 2024 11:28:

Well maybe Hashem does punish those who watch porn and masturbate and that's why there are so few people who are HAPPILY married...

Yeshayahu 41:6 wrote on 18 Apr 2024 14:55:

its not a punishment,
its you taking a gun and POW!
ive just shot my beautiful marriage!
all the best.

@Cande well said!