Hi all, just want to share my thoughts from the past little while;



Just observing all the questions i had to ask myself, and thinking to my self "what was i thinking?", you really thought that looking at and doing all of that will actually help you in any way? How can it be that that is what my thought process was? How did i not see the negative results it was bringing to my life? Why was i chasing my tail, when in reality my tail was always attached to me? I must get out of this, but how?



So this is what i found (in no particular order, its just rolling off my fingers onto the keyboard), for me it is all about false expectations, unmet desires and unfulfilled dreams. For everyone respectively it'll be something else, their personal specs in their journey to freedom, but the frustration that all of these bring is real and painful, and i was in pain. Pained by "not having what i NEED", pained by not living transparent with the person I share my life with and pained by never being able to lay down at night and say "you know iyh2023, you a good man". 

So what gave me some light was, the understanding of my self, the understanding of my wife and the understanding of the nature of lust.

What i've learned about my self is, that right now i'm drunk, and will not be able to understand when someone say "you can get out of it, you dont really need it, you have everything you need", i learned that i need to be strong with my decisions, i learned that i can control my self, i learned that everyone has their Peckel and i learned to acknowledge my weaknesses.

I learned that my wife needs ME, not my body, for that she can go on amazon, she needs my care, she needs a shoulder to lean on, she needs my trust, she needs her space and she needs time. Dont try to convince your self that she doesnt know anything, she can read you better then a book.

I learned that lust is like wearing sunglasses at night, it may feel cool, but you cant see a thing. Lusting will hamper my ability to appreciate what i do have, lust will twist my mind as to what to expect, lust is a hamster wheel, lust numbs my sensitivity, lusting reveals my dark side in all areas.

​Analyzing all of this helped me understand that, i'm dancing to the wrong beat, that i'm mopping the floor with a muddy mop. I am chasing lasting inner happiness and fulfillment, and filling my self with transitory moments of happiness. I wish to feel satisfied and content, but i'm not getting off the south bound train. Understanding all of this has made a colossal impact on my thought process and gave me an enormous amount of direction, all thanks to the Tzadikim of GYE!!                     

Dear iyh2023,

​Thank you for sharing such beautiful thoughts, it pulled at my heartstrings!! 

Lots of wisdom and truths here, the keys to breaking free and living a life worth living...

Admiringly,
-YKW

There’s a lot to admire about this powerful, insightful post. And a lot to think about. Thank you! 

There are my favourite words: 

Emes Vayatziv. Thank you for the food for thought. 

Komt!! 

chaimoigen wrote on 07 Feb 2024 00:09:

Exactly, we set our selves up for disaster when we are busy running after circumstances we convinced our selves we need.

iyh2023 wrote on 06 Feb 2024 20:58:

Phenomenal post.

Thanks for this post! really nice and now let me say - you know iyh2023, your a good man.

When is part 2 coming?

Part 2 should ideally contain some foresight for 2024

Heeling wrote on 09 Feb 2024 02:58:

Luck don't strike twice...

iyh2023 wrote on 11 Feb 2024 01:50:

That’s what they all say right before it strikes twice

redfaced wrote on 09 Feb 2024 03:33:

I believe that the hindsight from 2023 is at least, part of the foresight, for 2024.

In any case what i found very help full is, the ability understand that, I know that what i did was awfully betraying, and degrading, and below my dignity, and disgusting, and the list goes on and on, but i'm not a failure, i'm not done for. I didnt do all of those things from a place of anger or hate, it was from a place of despair and guilt. The feeling of being lost and alone, i was stuck in a rut of self disgust and belittling. When I dont feel good about my self, my entire thought process becomes negative and affects my decision making abilities. Once i am out of this rut i can start thinking and making rational decisions. By accepting that what i did was wrong, again, what i did, not me as a whole, I separate the bad actions from my self identity, and im able to see my self in a positive light. But if i dont make that distinction between who i am and the actions i did, i will continue to see my self through those negative actions. This is not to say that everyone that does something bad can say, well, you have to understand that its not really who i am. We have to investigate as to what where the motives, and for most people here i can assume it didnt come from a hate full place.        
    

iyh2023 wrote on 06 Feb 2024 20:58:



Was just reading some of my old posts and stumbled upon this thread, don't remember writing it.



Sigh. Cant believe how introspective I was a year ago, oh well, one day I'll get back to it.