Hi chevra,
I've written about this in the past on here, but it's been a year and nothing has changed. I'm still destroying myself via p@m, but I don't care about it. I've become so numb to it that it's just what I do know, and I'm not interested in stopping. I acknowledge that it is detrimental to just about every aspect of my life and relationships, but I am simply uninterested in changing anything. I'm scared to leave it, how will I satisfy myself without it?
I'm writing this mostly for myself, because no one can help me until I want to change. 
Thank you for listening, and Hashem Yiracheim

Haba ליטהר wrote on 01 Jan 2024 03:33:

welcome back!
you wrote:
 "im NOT intrested in stopping" 
"simply uninterested in changing"
"no one can help me until I want to change" 
so why is your name "HABA ליטהר"??
answer is:
YOU DO want to change! 
YOU DO want to change! 
YOU DO want to change! 
your just scared to as you wrote: "im scared to leave it"
your scared to drop it, because you might start enjoying your wife and your life, and you might start feeling satisfied with the real thing, the real pleasure. 
 but then what will be with porn! disaster! its gonna be so sad! im not gonna be getting all "that" pleasure!
its like the guy thats scared to start learning, because he might enjoy it too much, and might want to learn instead of.......
just saying,
dont be scared its worth the try, theres much better cande on the other side.
your already 50% there just by being part of GYE,
were all in this together, many people here, were in your situation
there are amazing  guys here on GYE, reach out to them, there lifesavers!
keep posting

Haba ליטהר wrote on 01 Jan 2024 03:33:

If you could choose, What would you like your life to look like in ten years?

Shalom aleichem - I don't think we've met last time you were around being that I'm pretty new here, so nice to meet you.

The way you write about how you're not interested in stopping as it's become so much a part of you is something I can relate to all too well. I struggled since I was 13, and although for many years I didn't have much access to devices being that I was away in yeshiva when I got married however, everything got much harder. There were now devices around, some filtered some unfiltered... The struggles slowly and gradually crept up on me until I was deep inside. I lived the cycle of installing a filter, breaking through it, then just uninstalling it, only to install a new one a few weeks later. About a year ago, it got too hard for me to keep up with this cycle, and so I just removed the filter - and kept it off. I watched porn every single bein hasdarim plus plus plus for months and months. I couldn't stop, and I didn't want to stop. I knew I had to stop, but I absolutely didn't want to. It had become a part of me, and it had become who I was.

This all changed around Rosh Hashana time this year. I decided that this year I WILL STOP!!! I knew that in order to stop I would have to learn how to want to stop. One thing I did that helped me with this was reaching out and making new friends here on gye. Speaking to guys on the phone made me realize how it's actually possible to stop, and that life is way greener without the garbage. Another thing that really helped me was changing my mindset and attitude by reading the battle of the generation book by hillel s. Through internalizing the yesodos and tools from the book, I have changed from not wanting to stop, to wanting desperately and badly to stop. Through the book I have also learned how to control myself in a way I never would have dreamed of!

Here's to day 114 clean - and iy"h by you!!!

The fact that you're here means that you want to change. Otherwise I imagine you you could have typed in a more gratifying term into your search bar. To me is sounds like you're just scared of the unknown (and hard work). Like Vekham says you could picture your life ten years down the line -  what image do you see?
Hatzlocha on your journey , we're all here for you!

Haba ליטהר wrote on 01 Jan 2024 03:33:

We're listening. We are reading the truth between the lines. 

Hashem is Meracheim. 

Welcome back!

Just wondering what brought you back here if you're still not yet interested in changing? Is it that you are looking to get a little push?

P.S. Right now I'm also not interested in changing, I keep on fantasizing about my past sweet days that I didn't yet find a substitute for.

Wishing brighter days for us all.

I appreciate the thought in changing the perspective, but I think that it really doesn't help me very much.
B"H Hashem has given me a very vivid imagination, such that I've on many occasions envisioned myself living a life of pure avodas Hashem, with a family of yirei shamayim and a beautiful home. I've imagined and davened for it on many occasions, and that's what I want my life to look like. 
Sadly, I have used my imagination for terrible aveiros as well. I won't describe this too much. Tachlis, unless I am endowed with superpowers, I would much rather continue with my first type of imagination than with this second one.

But as עפרון is described in chazal- אמר הרבה ואפילו מעט לא עשה.
 I dream and ponder so much, and yes, I yearn for it. But I yearn for it to happen by itself, I don't want to put in the time and effort to make it come true. It's an immature and silly perspective, certainly, but מה אעשה, שנפשי חשקה בעבירה.
I'm in denial, I assume that at some point I'll miraculously be saved from myself and kapoosh, I'll be a ל'וnik. I've tried on many occasions to stop myself in the past, but I've always come back. I know where I'm headed, but from the head to the heart is far further than it biologically appears. וידעת היום והשבת אל לבבך. 
I'll end with Tzefanyahאָמַ֜רְתִּי אַךְ־תִּירְאִ֤י אוֹתִי֙ תִּקְחִ֣י מוּסָ֔ר וְלֹֽא־יִכָּרֵ֣ת מְעוֹנָ֔הּ כֹּ֥ל אֲשֶׁר־פָּקַ֖דְתִּי עָלֶ֑יהָ אָכֵן֙ הִשְׁכִּ֣ימוּ הִשְׁחִ֔יתוּ כֹּ֖ל עֲלִילוֹתָֽם ׃

From your posts it sounds like you know you should change but dont feel it in your heart and are looking for motivation. The pain of contradiction is agonizing and feels hopeless. I really feel for you. Try reaching out to some of the chevra here. Its really hard to motivate through the screen. As a point of clarification on Vehkams point. I believe he is not saying you should imagine a fairy tale life. No tzaddik, mekubal gadol hador euphoria. Thats not going to help. We are talking about concrete ideas. What will your life look like in 10 if you stop. Where will you probably be if you dont.

Haba ליטהר wrote on 01 Jan 2024 23:05:

If you know what you want your life to look like, you need to ask yourself what is really keeping you from taking some positive steps towards that goals.  As you say yourself, it is silly to think that it will happen by itself.  Has the yetzer hara convinced you that you really want an empty life of (non)pleasure in place of a meaningful destiny?  Has he convinced you that what you really want is not possible?  Do you think its not worth fighting because in the past you tried to stop "but i've always come back?"

The rbs"o is a marbeh l'sloach, and you don't need to worry that you may regress.  you just need to make a sincere try now.  Is a life that is meaningful and clean not worth making one concrete change in the right direction?  You don't need to become a malach overnight, but one concrete step can change the entire direction of where you are heading.  You are correct that this will not happen without tremendous siyaata d'shmaya, but it also will not happen unless you take the first step.  As your name indicates, you already know all of this.  Don't settle.

best wishes
vehkam

Haba ליטהר wrote on 01 Jan 2024 23:05:

confusing, can you clarify?!
"I've imagined and davened for it on many occasions, and that's what I want my life to look like" 
"I don't want to put in the time and effort to make it come true"
we all know life about putting in work אדם לעמל יולד!
what is it thats holding you back from starting to work? (you started just by being here on GYE, so your putting in time and effort)
did you totally give up?
cant imagen enjoying your wife?
addicted? "מה אעשה, שנפשי חשקה בעבירה"
no time?
theres a piece of the puzzle missing

Haba ליטהר wrote on 01 Jan 2024 23:05:

i feel for you, i totally get the feeling.

Haba ליטהר wrote on 01 Jan 2024 23:05:

You sound like a learned and good person.

But you are suffering so much!!!

Sometimes the first step to change is learning to accept yourself where you are (עיין קארל רוגר'ס).

Reach out to some people. Many of us have given up before. Many of us have been numb but in so much pain at the same time.

Reaching out to people will help you accept where you are and learn to appreciate your little victories.

It's not all black and white. So if you don't feel ready to change your life and you don't believe it will work - don't. Just get on the phone with someone and learn to be present - to engage in life again. Will it help you quit ultimately - maybe or maybe not. But one thing I know for sure - it will help you start to live again, to feel again. It will pull you out of your numbness.

I would suggest reaching out to ChaimOigen his email is Chaim.oigen@gmail.com

You came here because you had a spark of feeling - stick around and it will turn into a glowing ember and eventually a lively flame!