I think the hardest struggle for me is understanding what god really wants from me:
what's the point of such intense struggles? 
we know that we're only given tests that we can withstand, sounds good in theory, but in reality how many of us actually believe that they can withstand their test?
we also know the bigger you are the bigger your nisoyon, but only the low ones do we see falling and falling over and over, but the great ones? I haven't noticed them falling, ever.
the whole idea that the greater you are the bigger your test doesn't make sense, they're only great because their able to withstand their nisyonos.
basically how can we compare our struggles to theirs if were falling every other day and their not?
also looking now at the future I know I'm gonna fall, its reality, its part of life, but god doesn't let me fall!!! ill be going to hell!!
so basically god wants me to deny the reality that HE created?!
​I've been struggling with m and p  for quite a while, I got married and it only got worse, but these questions have always been on my mind.
if anyone can help clarify or comment please do, thanks

This might answer your question.

guardyoureyes.com/forum/15-The-Torah-amp-Chizuk-Approach/398780-Believe-in-yourself

The GRA in his commentary on Mishlei on the verse חנוך לנער על פי דרכו quotes from chazal that שאול חטא באחת ולא עלתה לו ודוד חטא בשתים ועלתה לו. Shaul sinned only once by not killing Agog and David sinned twice, with Bas Sheva and Oriah Hachiti, yet Shaul wasn't forgiven whereas David was. The Gra explains that Shaul was as chazal say אין בו דופי, he was the perfect human being and he was born with innate good character traits and therefore he wasn't forgiven whereas David was born with the bad character trait for murder and therefore he was forgiven because his struggles were greater.

From this Gra we see that a person can't be measured solely by his actions. All of his struggles and character traits have to be taken into account. I believe that a person who doesn't have struggles in this area, is in a way less worthy than someone who has struggles in this area and overcomes his struggles, even if the latter might fall sometimes. In addition, once the person who struggles has overcome his struggles and he doesn't sin anymore he is by far a much greater tzaddik than someone who never had these struggles.

Regarding what you write that you will always fall and you can't succeed, it takes effort, determination and time but just like many other people joined GYE and have succeeded in overcoming their struggles we will also eventually succeed. It might be hard to see this at the moment when our struggles are so intense but often as we work on overcoming our struggles they lessen over time. Even if our desires remain just as powerful as before, success leads to success. I suggest that you read "The Battle of the Generation". It has been a game changer for me. You can download the e-book from this link: guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/frontpage/4

I think its fair to say that many of us have thought about this things. 

i suggest getting in touch with some of the people over here, like eerie or hashemhelpme. They can help you get some clarity.

Welcome. 
The pain in your voice hurts. 
Don’t know if any of us can speak for Hashem, but as ASHY said, we’ve all thought about this, tons. It’s a weighty topic.

But, please correct me if I’m wrong, it seems to me that your real question isn’t to know what the philosophical answers are, though it’s great to talk in learning. 
I think, friend, that you may be asking for some help and guidance, if I’m reading you right. If so, this is a good place. Lots of fellow-sufferers, and lots of good folks who have found ways to break free, even after years of falling repeatedly. There are special friends, mentors, and a lot to learn. Ways to change and grow. There’s hope here…

The good news is that you can break free, too! It’s going ti take work and won’t be easy. But it’s worth it. 

As suggested, you may want to reach out to some of the great people here. Until you’re ready, read some threads, learn the ropes. Please stick around and keep posting. 

Here’s a warm hand, 
Chaim Oigen

Welcome, my dear friend. I'm so sorry for the pain. Yes, it hurts to be falling and failing. My dear brother, please stick around! We are here for you, we care for you, and there's lots to learn here. many, many people, really good ones, too, have come here just like you did. And BH they have began working their way up. So stick around, learn the ropes, keep posting, and BeH you'll soon start seeing progress!

tzvikifine wrote on 24 Dec 2023 16:12:

You start by saying only the low ones fall but never the great ones....
Sorry but thats false.
A -שבע יפול צדיק וקם  that either its the צדיק that falls and gets back up again or its the falling and getting back up that makes him into a צדיק
B- we got plenty of great people here ( myself included ) that  did plenty of falling. 
With a lot of work you can also be called a צדיק and if you ח"ו fall get right back up.
Hop aboard - it'll change your life

tzvikifine wrote on 24 Dec 2023 16:12:

i would send the motion that you read the Battle of the Generation.  hopefully that perspective will answer your questions and point you in the direction of personal greatness.

Great questions! Have you downloaded the book yet,  the battle of the Generation?

How do you know about when great people fail?

tzvikifine wrote on 24 Dec 2023 16:12:

I totally hear you. I have faced much of these questions as well and they can lead us to dark places.... I feel for you. One thought. Klal Yisroel went down to mitzrayim with 70 pure tzaddikim to purify them to become the greatest nation, Hashems chosen people to receive the Torah in the kur habarzel. However, they left in the lowest level of impurity. And yet, and yet.... this is specifically the situation Hashem put them in to grow into the Chosen Nation. Go figure. We dont understand what growth means. We dont know at all. The Arizal says that the ikar nisayon in our times, the ikvisa demeshicha, is in the area of kidusha . Maybe we, on the front lines of the battle, are the ones bringing Him closer with our "small" victories. (Which arent small BTW.) Maybe more than the theoretical gadol who just sits and learns. We dont know. We do know Hashem put us here to grow and it is our job to do the best we can. We also know that the harder it is the more reward and growth we get. So we definitely know we are growing and raking it in. We are growing and we must believe He has our best interests in mind when giving us these insane tests and that He believes that we CAN and WILL win. 

I don't know whether or not great people fail but I do know that the reason they're great is because they are able to overcome their battles.

tzvikifine wrote on 25 Dec 2023 01:53:

1000000000% and thats exactly what makes this community so great - because it consist of people who fight to overcome their battles no matter what!

My friend, I'm happy that you joined. There's hope for everyone - including you - yes you!!

Stick around, there's a lot to learn.

tzvikifine wrote on 24 Dec 2023 16:12:

Hi, sorry for what you're goin' thru.
I'll be the heretic for today.
God didn't make you this way.
He isn't testin' you (any more than life itself).
Whatever you and I are busy with, we did to ourselves. 
Others will say that my method is wrong, but it's so much quicker and easier and less stressful than all those books, programs and calls.
Stop blamin' thin's on God.

Hi there! 

Your questions ring in my ear... and I believe that those questions aren't wrong to be asked, they just have to be directed to the truth.

I just think that He wants us to become great people, the leaders of the future generation. Through learning our struggles, falling and rising we can become those great ppl. One cannot rise if they have not fallen! Great ppl do fall and their success is due to the fact that they've risen from their falls. שבע יפול צדיק וקם! 

Reach out! Learn what works for you and one day you'll be great too (u are already if ur here!).

Without disagreeing or agreeing with any of the thoughtful posts above, I would like to say this: 

The most important question is always - “What does Hashem want from today? What am I being called to do right now?”. 

I often need to remind myself that anything that is taking me away from answering that question is likely not His רצון.

chaimoigen wrote on 25 Dec 2023 12:03:

"Philosophizing beats doing any day"