Hello everyone,

I posted this on the introduce yourself forum earlier, but I realized it's more appropriate for here so I deleted.

Happy Channukah, I hope you all have much light in your lives, and may we see many more miracles that we need badly today. I know this is introduce yourself, and there are a lot of things about me that have nothing to do with sexual things. The vast majority in fact. And I am certain the same is true of all you holy yidden. But there's not very many frum Jews out there, so I'd rather not talk about myself outside of what is specific to here.

I've had a bit of a rough 12 hours, and I figure at least sharing something will make this at least somewhat redeemed. Please note that some of this details the ways I have felt frustrated by Halakha. I absolutely have no desire to argue against anyone's opinion, or against Halakha, and I do not think my frustrations are correct and the Torah as we have it today is wrong. But I wouldn't really be getting anything off my chest if I kept these out. Not that I think anybody should/will read all of this, but I don't want to offend or challenge.

I'm a somewhat newlywed person, and a BT. I was a "nofapper"  before I ever became frum, although I wasn't perfect at all. Perhaps I should have been. But I at least accepted that in principle, but in some way my abstainance/attempted abstinence was not davka because of Halakha. Marriage is full of a lot more sexual frustration than one might think, and it's getting me a bit nuts. There is niddah, of course, which generally covers the days that women are most sexually excited. There's the fact that you can basically only have one type of sex, according to modern Halakha (and the fact that Rabbis often ruled differently in the past before R Yosef Caro paskened the Zohar as Halakha makes this a little less easy than giving up something like pork). This has been a lot harder than I expected. There is also the fact that women are generally not as sexual as men, especially in the time of the month when we are permitted to each other. And we often don't even have time for it, with work and commute and Judaism.

And still I'm not really allowed to masturbate, and it's a bigger sin than when I was single. And the fact that women are allowed to, more or less, makes this somehow extremely frustrating for me, and feel like there's no general principle about self-gratification and that Halakha is just this albatross. (I know some people will say women aren't allowed, and I'm not saying you're wrong to hold that way. But my wife does and there's really not too much to argue with, some secondary issues aside, nor is it my business if it doesn't affect her desire for me) Anyway, I spent a lot of time last night looking at articles and such showing how they are allowed and more or less encouraged to although men are not. It was this bizarre obsession I had for a while, and sort of got carried away with it last night. And then I ended up masturbating (I am not currently physically with my wife for reasons beyond our control). I'm pretty bummed out now especially since I have been wasting a lot of time, along with seed.

Sorry for giving this awful tour through a bit of a not 100% mind. I have a really difficult time bringing this up with a rabbi. Any chizzuk on how to handle this would be appreciated.

By the way, I am really really glad that the chat feature has more or less been removed and hope it is not re-implemented. I was on this site a bit many years ago on a forgotten username and email, and could tell there may have been people in chat preying on vulnerable youngsters.

Kol Tuv , CG

Welcome!

It's apparent that it took a lot of courage for you to be able to put all of those pent-up emotions out there, especially in such a sensitive area.

It also sounds like you are a person who is a tremendous seeker, a growing person who truly wants to meet the challenges of kedusha with ultimate success.

It isn't an easy task, however, and that in and of itself can be a tremendous source of pain and anger for anyone struggling with it. Talking from experience here.

Coming to the forum here to vent and to get things off of your chest is probably the best move anyone could make. So kudos to you for posting here!!!

It sounds like a lot of resentment has been building up inside you and is now bubbling over somewhat.

The points that you bring up regarding the details of what you are frustrated about are each worthy of their own conversation.
However, at the moment, you're down, you're suffering and you're angry. So I'll just say, man that sucks. I know how it feels to be trapped with your own pent-up lust. It really sucks.

 I feel ya brother!
Keep posting - you'll find that the people here have compassion and insight into how to approach this topic in a way that is מתיישב על הלב, practical, effective and positive! There is a way to approach all of this and find peace and enjoyment in the place of anger frustration - but it will only come if you're willing to talk about it! So keep posting!

collardgreen wrote on 08 Dec 2023 19:32:

Wow! each of these questions have been thought out, and asked very, very well, and I sense there is more behind each one. There is NOTHING wrong with asking (as long as we are looking for answers), and it totally makes sense for someone coming into the frum world to have these questions. Honestly, I was curious as to how the kiruv oilam fields these questions. Do you have someone you are in touch with who can answer for you? Also, being that, as you said, you are assur/not with your wife now, it is possible that the questions are bothering you more acutely. Which may inevitably lead to feeling any answer in unsatisfactory.
 I really feel for you and get you as I've had some of these questions as well and get how they can frustrate you. Consider reaching out to HHM, he really has a clear view on things. He has helped me and so many others. Keep us posted!

collardgreen wrote on 08 Dec 2023 19:32:

Welcome.

In a sentence or two, do you have a practical question perhaps?

Thank you

ok, great.

I got scared when I looked at the recent posts that all those lengthy philisophical heeby-jeeby posts were all regardin' your questions, but thanks to the Good Lord, they were all pertainin' to a thread that I am not wadin' into, and don't worry, I wait patiently.



#IStandWithIsrael

cordnoy wrote on 11 Dec 2023 23:55:

Ouch.

#OuchMeToo

Hi. Regarding the frustration you have about women being allowed and men not. The Torah is 100% fair. Chazal are not trying to sadistically deprive you. If for a woman it's permissible but not for a man, that means these are really two entirely different things, and if they seem similar to us it's because we are not understanding that.

simchastorah wrote on 12 Dec 2023 05:56:

Now that this question has been answered with such clarity, we certainly won't see the OP back.

Thanks for the putdown, good use of your time

Cords didnt have his blond coffee yet dont be hard on him....