Hi all, shabbos was tough, i almost feel TWICE.... but i dont have time now, i will be back tomorrow.

#Buildbackbetter

One only fails when they give up.

Keep climbing,

I'm down, i'm upset, and back to day one....
I'm down 'cuz im back to day one.
I'm upset 'cuz i saw it coming days ago, and did little to nip 'em in the bud....

So now i'll analyze what happened:
I find that biggest trigger for me is, frustration, the type of frustration that sets in when expectations are not met. When i expect my actions to bear the rewards that i "deserve", and they dont, it leads me to the next level of the downward spiral. Which is, dissatisfaction with circumstances in general, in all aspects, not  family necessarily, i get filled with unhappiness and my mood goes south. Again this all stems from the unmet results that i expected, and feelings that i was let down by them not being met. Which then puts me in the strategic position to fall, due to my lack of satisfaction, and feelings of guilt for being such a grump, and then i'm back to day 1.

How i can try to prevent it from happening again:
I can/should learn to appreciate my wife for who she is, from head to toe, meaning her feelings, emotions, likes and dislikes, idiosyncrasies, moods, her expectations, the whole package as she is.  
That will help me for a number of reasons:
 1. I will learn to accept everything that she does, says, (or doesnt say, do...) and i wont get frustrated.
2. I wont expect anything from her, 'cuz thats (the thing that i'm expecting) not her!!
3. I will respect her for who she is, and respect breeds love.
4. ​I will be able to better communicate my feelings with my self when i do get into a situation, and put things into perspective.

Thats it for now, just trying to make sense of the goings on, and sort out the mess in me.
I will try to stay positive and to be upbeat.

So long fellas, and shalom!!



P.S.:
​I believe that the 4 points i made above are applicable to my self as well, but i will leave that for another time.   

I'm sorry to hear that you fell.
What you describe as leading to your fall sounds very familiar to me. Your four point are the right things to work at in order to lower expectations so that you don't find yourself in the same spot again, I'm sure you are aware that it involves a lot of contemplations and one needs to be patient with seeing changes. That being said it's likely that the frustration will hit you again while you work yourself through, you also mentioned that you foresaw this fall coming but did nothing to prevent it, so what will you do next time you find yourself in the same spot? If we fail to plan, we plan to fail.

You are a shining diamond, dust yourself off and keep on shining brighter and brighter!

I want to take issue with point number one accepting her for who she is, is great but to think that you won’t be frustrated is not accepting you for who you are, you will be frustrated with her but accepting her for who she is means that at that point you treat her like a mensch and then you alleviate your frustration by talking to someone, working out or the age old eat your frustrations although highly not recommended by your cardiologist or GP, or a different healthy way of dealing with frustrations.

Hey, IYH2023, sorry for the pain. You sound like you have somegood ideas going forward, so keep at it!
Some short ha'aros:
1-Going south sounds gantz geshmak at this time of year
2-Are gonna change you username in a few days?

Seriously, keep trucking! You are a wonderful part of GYE

eerie wrote on 25 Dec 2023 20:11:

Yea, problem is, my mood went south and im still here...

iyh2023 wrote on 25 Dec 2023 22:07:

Dear IYH (btw, I know that Hashem is already Roitza....)

To your point about frustrations being your main trigger.
I feel you, a lot of us have the same issue that some strong emotion like anxiety, fear, sadness, frustration or other will make us want to escape, and this is the easiest place to escape to.
1. The easier fix is to therefore make it harder to escape, filter your devices to the max! That way, you will have more time to cool down.
2. The harder thing to learn is how to live with frustrations, learn to see them for what they are, and not let them overtake you completely,.
    It is perfectly fine to feel frustrated, everyone has it in life, everyone has expectations about his wife, kids, job, friends, and most of the time they dont go how he wants. So you get a little frustrated, what you need to learn is how to relax. Try the following for a quick feel of it.
1. Sit in a dark room where nobody will disturb you for a few minutes. NO DEVICES WHATSOEVER!
2. Think back to the most recent episode of frustration. Lets say you wife didnt or did say something you expected.
3. Feel how it bothers you, let it bubble up inside and feel the heat of it, how it goes into your head and makes you heart pump all angrily.
4. Now sit with that feeling as long as you want, see how you are able to view it from an outsiders perspective and look at it from afar.
5. Now, after sitting for a while, you will feel that it will usually ebb and flow, it will not stay the same strong.
6. You will realize that its not the end of the world to be frustrated and there is no NEED to escape!


This is just a beginners course for learning how to identify and feel you emotions without letting them overwhelm you.

chancy wrote on 26 Dec 2023 17:30:

Thanks, do you need my cc info? 
All kidding aside, i understand what you're saying and its all important, but, i want to get to a time and place where i wont be tempted at all, not having accesses and filters are preventative maneuvers, not healing maneuvers. I dont think it qualifies as a fix.   

Brother,

I’m sorry to hear about your fall. I hope you picked yourself up. We are all human, its okay. Your posts are great and your determination to heal is even greater, putting preventatives in place will allow us to properly heal.

Expectation is the mother of frustration.

Keep climbing, keep fighting, focus on the good.

Heeling wrote on 26 Dec 2023 22:13:

Tell me about it.....

Today was a good day!!!
I was distracted and distracted my self, which helps me a lot.
I want tomorrow to be a good day too.
I will try hard to make it a good day tomorrow. 
How?
I will fill my mind with positive thoughts.
I will try to keep busy.
I will keep the goal in mind. (90 days)
​I will say TYH as many times as i remember.


#ISWGYE

iyh2023 wrote on 27 Dec 2023 15:24:

IYH, 
I agree with you that filters arent the solution to our problems, i wish it was. 
However, Ive seen many guys stay stuck in this thought pattern which i know is a trick of the YH to keep us open and vulnerable to his manipulation.
Its True that filters arent our only problem! But its just as true that without filters there is a very small chance of moving forward int this battle. 
Look at it this way, If you were learning how to drive and someone told you that your tires are terribly worn out and you have no traction, you can splip out of control any second, would you answer that guy "well, that is not my biggest problem, what if someone comes into my lane? what if my eyes get distracted and i crash into a tree? fixing my tires is not the solution''...... Would you say that? no! because you understand that its futile to learn how to drive or to continue driving when you have no tires..... 
Having a filter is not the solution, but it gives you the tires to get where you want to get to, it gives ou time, it gives you space, it gives you air!

You do not need to listen to me, maybe you know better, Im just sharing my experience and advice. Take it or leave it.

chancy wrote on 27 Dec 2023 21:15:

Dont get me wrong, i'm a firm believer in filters, what i'm saying is that its not a "fix".  

Mariam Websters word of the day: OISH