I am on a 6 day streak at the moment, my longest is 7. I am excited and cautiously optimistic that I can extend that record. I actually had a 4 day streak before this current streak, so actually it is 11 out of the last 12 days clean. I am in no way getting cocky and the more I read BOG, the more I read these forums, the more I Daven, the better I become. I am building an Army against the YH. It is a small but motivated Army, but getting bigger and stronger each day.

And HaShem is leading the charge

I sit here this morning reading my last post about "Building an Army" and my 11 out of 12 days clean and it seems like ancient history. My streak is over, I have fallen 2 days in a row and feel terrible.

I was so looking forward to writing to all of you about my trip to Crown Heights and the Ohel on Tuesday. I had to go to a Funeral of a dear friends father. Before the funeral, I had time to spend in the Ohel. Writing a letter, praying at the Kever and while praying and reading Tehillim. I opened the book to a random page (I always do that at the Ohel) and came upon Psalm 101. It spoke directly about our issue that we are all facing and I prayed like never before. Tears were running down my face. This was the day, this was the time that HaShem was going to free me from this prison that I have put myself in. 

I had driven over 5 hours to attend the funeral and then 5 hours home. I could have run home I was so much on a high. I did the Mitzvah of attending the funeral and HaShem immediately rewarded me with opening the book to the exact page that I needed to read at that moment. It was the best feeling that I had in years. My wife was amazed that after 10 hours in the car alone and standing out in the cold at the funeral, I was full of energy. She expected me to crawl through the door and go right to sleep. I was on such a spiritual high it is hard to put into words. I went to sleep that night and slept like a baby.

Then I woke up....

​I had work to catch up on from the day before. I got into my office early and was ready to have a productive day and simple email from a company trying to sell me something had a girl in the ad that was inappropriately dressed, not in a bikini or pornographic, just a clothing that was form-fitting and a little tight. You will see far worse on the streets of NY on any given day. It triggered me like never before. Being that my computer is filtered now, I had a smartphone of an employees that I was repairing and I knew it was unfiltered and I grabbed it and it was over.

The next day, I purposely told the employee that I need the phone for "one more day".... and I fell for the second time in a row. The phone is sitting next to me as I write this and I look at it in disgust. I am not tempted this morning other than being tempted to throw it through the wall and smashing it. 

The moral of the story is regardless of the situation,  you have to be ready 24/7 to fight. I got a taste of the spiritual high and how it feels to think that I have this beat, but quickly realized that I am still at the very beginning of my journey. Maybe someday I can look back and recapture the feeling I had at the Ohel. It was pure bliss. short lived but intense. I want that feeling back, I want that to be the norm, I want that life!

But I am nowhere near that yet and this was a stark reality check.  

Wishing you all a Shabbat Shalom

Dear adam2014, 

I’m so sorry to hear about your recent fall. It’s very painful to see that after all the things you’ve been doing, it’s still so difficult and we can be triggered by something so relatively innocuous. 

We are all here to comfort you and let you know how much we understand your struggles. Your struggles are our struggles.

There’s one point I’d like to make regarding what you’ve experienced.

Disclaimer: I’m only sharing what’s been my own personal experience. Perhaps others can find it helpful.

The feelings of spiritual high, while they feel so good, can actually have very little to do with meaningfully moving the needle in this struggle. 

Sometimes, we feel so close to Hashem and sometimes our hearts feel distant and frozen.

Personally, I’m more often frozen and dry, than not. 

And the times in my life that have been imbued with spiritual highs have had very little impact on my struggles.

Chanuka this year was so surprisingly dry, it did bother me….yet, it was still so different. 

What really did change was my perspective. My understanding of what porn and masterbating did for me and what it doesn’t. Where I want to be and where I don’t. 

I’m still working on this, and sometimes the fear of actually changing, is paralyzing. 

But slowly shifting the paradigm has been a game changer.

We can be dry, frozen, feeling distant (although of course we never are truly distant from Hashem) and still have crystal clarity of where we want to be.

I pray for you, for myself and for us all, we should be zoche to gain ground in this battle and have the clarity we need to overcome this thing for good…one day at a time.

youknowwho wrote on 22 Dec 2023 12:52:

Well said, albeit a bit too lengthy for me, but that's fine.

For some, the "war/battle against the yetzer hara" is a losin' one; the "war/battle for livin' life" may be a winnin' one.

Here's to life!

youknowwho wrote on 22 Dec 2023 12:52:

Well said, indeed.
Like a well-cut diamond, your words about feeling cold are lustrous, and though they may be dry and have sharp edges, they glitter much. Be worth a lot.

I would add: Knowing that you don't have to feel inspired is actually empowering.
Because who in this oft-grey world is feeling cheerfully inspired all the time anyways? (except maybe @Eerie ).
But to know that I can move the needle by having the courage to face up to reality and sometimes-hard truths about how I want to live and how I don't want to not-live; what and why I want what I don't want; this means I can grow and keep changing, even on a freezing-cold, uninspired wretched fast-day of a Friday.

I'm looking at living (Thanks, Cordnoy).
Chaim Oigen

youknowwho wrote on 22 Dec 2023 12:52:

Beautifully said! I actually have a harder time when I have the spiritual highs. Maybe I should be thankful they are so infrequent. Yes Chanuka was super dry by me as well. (By the way there is a nice nesivos shalom about it this week...)

I can relate with feeling spiritually stagnant while fighting this fight. I guess it can be helpful. If you can break free when you're uninspired, you can stay clean while uninspired too. As opposed to breaking free while on a high, and then when you're on a low you don't have the tools to stay clean. But its all just a cycle of ups and downs. @Adam2014, don't beat yourself up, you can get over this hump. The fact that you got triggered by something "not bad" can be a good sign. It means that the desensitized effect of porn is wearing off. You got this!

bright wrote on 22 Dec 2023 18:27:

Bright/Miss Granger… Are you just gonna dangle that in front of our noses? Well? 

Or do I actually have to shlumpel myself over to the Oztar Seforim here in the neighborhood? 

Looking up a nesivos shalom never killed anybody:) Its the piece, Vayigash aylav Yehuda. It talks about the difference between serving with passion and without feeling that passion. I dont want to ruin it by bringing it down short here. Read it.

I wanted to bring something up and let you guys know what is happening in my life and struggles. I am doing two significant things that I am hoping helps me in our problem that we are all dealing with. They are totally unrelated other than the fact that I am doing both with the hope that it helps me in my struggle.

1. I am redecorating my home office. I am changing EVERYTHING. I will not give you a recap of the interior design changes, but the reason for doing it. It is to change the environment in which so much of my struggles occur. When I walk into my office, I know that I am walking into the place where most of my problems happen. It instantly gives me anxiety and it just has a bad vibe in there. I am hoping that creating a newer, cleaner, office might change the vibe. I am now going to daven in a new room in the house. I am disgusted that I pray in the same room as I do all these disgusting things. If it helps, I will return davening into the room, in the hope of making the room a place to honor HaShem. It might sound weird, but I am a big believer in changing your environment can change your mindset and behavior.

2. The other big nisoyom is, I have rented a tiny cabin in the woods about 2 hours from my home. I am going there next Shabbos (Jan 4th and 5th). I am going there alone and going to test myself to see if I can stay clean. I will bring the BOG book along with other sefers that I can read on Shabbos. I want to break away from the mundane of my life and try to shake things up.  I fall into patterns and those patterns are not overly positive these days. I want to send a "jolt to my system" and see what happens. I will spend time in the woods and with some animals (it is on a farm) I want to have some "alone time" with HaShem and talk to him and see if we can get myself back on track. 

Here is the weird part. I am going to take an unfiltered computer with me. I am going to leave it in my car, but I want it within reach. I want to achieve something and just locking myself away for a few days will not cut it. If I can stay clean, for the three days (Friday morning thru Sunday afternoon) with an unfiltered computer within reach, that will be a HUGE win for me.

I am currently in a pattern of two or three days clean followed by a fall which becomes two or three falls because of my twisted way of thinking that since I fell, and my modest streak is over, I will fall again and start a new streak "tomorrow".... It is crazy, but I am sure you can relate.

​I would love to hear your thoughts on these two big moves in my battle. 

Shabbat Shalom

Incredible how much effort you are investing. Personally, i would not bring along the unfiltered device. My understanding is that Hashem wants us to be clean by avoiding unnecessary nisyonos. We have the safeguard of muktza to safeguard Shabbos, a nazir is told to avoid entering a vineyard, and no Orthodox Jew has a pantry with non-kosher snacks and educates the kids not to eat from the non kosher shelf. Similarly, when one does not absolutely need access to unfiltered devices, it makes sense to simply avoid it. My personal goal is to simply stay clean - not to test myself if i would stay clean with an unfiltered device. Of course this is just my opinion.

adam2014 wrote on 29 Dec 2023 12:16:

it is great that you are trying to find ways to shake things up.  I would caution you to think through the possible outcomes of each of the steps you are taking. Make sure that you are prepared to handle the various possibilities.  

Additionally, in my opinion it is not advisable to test yourself.  I don't see any possible benefits to that concept.  

consistent small concrete steps in the right direction with siyata d'shmaya will take you where you want to go.

best wishes
vehkam

adam2014 wrote on 29 Dec 2023 12:16:

The Gemara says that Zehirus leads to Zrizus. Rashi explains Zehirus as overcoming challenges that a person faces and Zrizus as avoiding a situation where a person will have challenges. The Gemara there starts with the lowest level and mentions the order of progress up to the highest level. We see from this Gemara that not putting oneself in a situation where he might sin is a greater level than someone who overcomes his challenges. We also see that overcoming our challenges leads to avoiding them. Perhaps the reason is that when we see how much effort was required to overcome our challenges we realize that it is simply better to avoid them.

You already have enough challenges without bringing along an unfiltered computer and you are already fighting them. The time has come to raise yourself to the next level of avoiding challenges.

I dont believe he is saying he never will avoid challenges. Just that he feels doing this will give him a huge boost. I dont know you so I cant say if its true that it will help. It certainly seems that taking an unfiltered device is a major risk. It is amazing how hard you are working! Really, you are ready to do whatever it takes! Amazing. I also really feel your frustration with your feeling that you didnt kick the habit yet. One thing though,I am scared for you that you are putting so much time and effort into things that dont have concrete results, that they may not work, and you will be left even more frustrated. If you are prepared for this, go ahead! Otherwise, slow and steady wins the race, small changes, coupled with precautions are the way to go.

First off, Thank you so much for the thoughtful replies... They all make 100%... I never thought about testing yourself is not the best thing and that staying clean for that weekend is reward enough, let alone with an unfiltered computer nearby. I will rethink that part...

I have stayed clean for 3 days in a row many times and my thought is that I wanted this weekend to be a HUGE boost and not just another 3 day streak...I may be setting myself for a big disappointment by doing this and it fails. Also the Gemara is clear on avoiding dangerous situations when possible is a better choice.... 

As far as the office renovation, I did this in my corporate office about 10 years ago. I was going through a difficult period and my stress was off the charts and my office became a jail cell that I was sentenced to for 8 hours a day. I got new furniture and decorated the walls differently, moved my desk to the other side of the office and I instantly changed the flow and vibe and things got better exponentially over the next short period.  I am hoping for the same in my home office. 

This is why I come to you guys for advice... You guys are amazing... I will keep you posted.