chaimoigen wrote on 28 Nov 2023 14:09:

Ditto. Feel free to call for ideas how to encourage your wife.

Amazing! Your personal akeida....

I am in the middle of a three day attack that has shaken me to my core. I have fallen and fallen again saying that I am not worth it and I am a loser. I don't give my self any credit for getting rid of many of my devices and going 5 straight clean days. The thought of giving up is all around me.... I try to tell myself that it is the YH getting worried, he see me making moves and trying new things to break free and he is getting desperate. 

I didn't want to post today because I was embarrassed by all the nice words of encouragement from you guys,  only to be in the midst of an attack. I don't feel worthy of the praise. 

I hope today is better, I am carving out time to spend on the F2F program and reading the BOG.. I guess that is all I can do.

"I hope today is better, I am carving out time to spend on the F2F program and reading the BOG.. I guess that is all I can do."

You can also reach out to real people here......

You are still here. You are worthy of praise. Keep fighting back no matter how many times you fall. Focus on the positives of fighting back not on the negatives of a fall.

I am almost always available via email. if you find yourself feeling down about this don’t hesitate to reach out.

Best wishes
Vehkam

Today I am wrestling with the latest attack by the YH. This latest assault has lasted almost four days but he is taking a different approach today. The YH is telling me to give up GYE, stop embarrassing yourself with posting all your falls and whining and complaining, just admit it, you are a porn junkie, you have been for decades, you think some videos and chatrooms are going to change you? It laughed at me throwing away all those devices and putting filters on some others.  He said "it took you about 10 minutes to find porn on your "filtered" device", do you think that will stop me"?... I can place smut and porn and filth into your mind whenever I want, you are weak and I own you!

This is what I woke up to today. It is just 530am and my wife is peacefully sleeping in her bed and I am here on the computer trying to fend off the YH from a very weak position. I partially agree with him... I am weak and he has controlled me for a long time, but I understand that I have the secret weapon, I have HaShem on my side, He wants me to defeat the YH, He believes in me, even when I don't believe in myself.

​I think that the worst part of all this (and it is all very bad) is that I feel that I am letting HaShem down. After all the blessings that he has given me in my life, that I can't do this one thing for him. I have no choice but to get up and get on with today and try again..

Just a quick story from Eretz Yisrael yesterday...

My best friend lives in Gush Etzion and his son is fighting in Gaza as we speak. His son just turned 19 and was in high school a year ago and now he is fighting Hamas. Needless to say that his life is upside down and he is desperately trying to maintain a small sense of normalcy in the midst of the war. He davens with a minion three times a day, never misses a minion. He has 4 or 5 in his Yishuv that he can choose from. It is amazing. I spent time with him last summer and his everyday minions are like a High Holiday in my neck of the woods. They are so inspirational it is hard to put into words. Having said that, most of the men have gone off to war and instead of having 4 or 5 minions to choose from, they struggle to get 10 men together at all.

Yesterday was a "extra" bad day for him and when he went up to the shul he found out that they only had 7 for the minion and there was no one else coming. He was depressed, he NEEDED the minion. He could Daven at home, but today, he needed to be with others. 

He jumped in his car and drove about 45 minutes to a minion that someone told him about and he not only found a minion, but he said that he almost floated out of the shul he was so inspired. In addition to having the beautiful minion, he bumped into a old friend that he had not seen in years and they went for a cup of coffee and he said it was great to reconnect with him...

So the moral of this story is that there is power in being with others either in prayer or just in life in general.  He woke up to a terrible day and with a lot of effort turned it into a great day.

I can relate to the battle we are all facing. When you feel down and depressed, turn to others and turn to HaShem. When things are not feeling good and you think it is going to be a bad day, remember a little effort can go a long way... I just need to learn to take my own advice...

adam2014 wrote on 01 Dec 2023 10:39:

If i may humbly say, i think Hashem is celebrating your attempts, your honesty, your courage, and actual actions in a way that is unimaginable. 

​Let's be blunt. You are trying super hard not to fall. And on the occasions that you unfortunately did fall, it was with compulsive behavior - not any true interest in doing it. You did not celebrate the amazing pornography and awesome ejaculation with a kiddush. For Heaven's sake read your own (beautiful) write up of your history! You're a hero and Hashem knows that better than any of us.

That is so very kind of you to say, and I know that deep down you are right, but the YH knows my weak spots and thinking that I am letting HaShem down has always been something that I have struggled with and the YH knows that and attacks. 

Had a good day yesterday and looking forward to a relaxing Shabbos

Shabbat Shalom

How about "a bunch of guys are trying to increase their levels of kedusha by puttnig filters on as a zechus for klall yisrael, I want to show mu support" Those guys might happen to be on GYE, but its not a lie..

Boker Tov,
A Big Win for the Filters! I finally put a filter on my laptop and Desktop. It is a filter called Cold Turkey. It is basically made to block certain categories or websites for a specific time period. For the "normal" person, you might have to concentrate for the next hour on a work project and you would set up a block for an hour and then it reverts. I set-up a block for all of the porn sites that I would frequently visit and put a two-week block on them. If I stumble upon another site that I don't want to see, I just add it to the block.. 

Part of my brain still wants to watch porn and getting rid of it for two-weeks at a time was a reasonable compromise between my mind and the YH. 

I had a massive urge the other day, the house was empty.... you guys know the story....

​I forgot about the block, went on the computer and typed in the usual information and BAM! It was blocked! I chuckled and said.. OK, let's find a work-a-round and after about 5 minutes the urge subsided and I stopped looking. I would have found a way in a few more minutes, but the friction that the block gave me was just a big enough window to regain control. 

I can stretch out the block further than the two weeks, but something inside of me feels that if I restart the block every two weeks, my mind will not have the withdrawals of blocking it forever which might be too much for me at this point. I hope that makes sense!

The battle rages on, I am still having struggles and I even had a fall the other day without porn.. so the block is only part of the solution. It was very rewarding and motivational to install the block and actual have it work. I feel that it is another bullet in my arsenal.

Changing subjects a little. I am in contact with friends from Israel who are fighting in Gaza and in the North, and am getting such terrible news and information from them in regards to what the animals did on Oct 7th. The facts are still coming out and unfortunately much of the world doesn't care. I only mention this because I am using the heartbreak and the ANGER of this to motivate me to stay clean, honor HaShem and live a life the best Freaking Jewish Life I can!  Standing with Israel includes living a life that represents the values of HaShem's chosen people and staying away from the filth in the world is more important than ever. 

adam2014 wrote on 06 Dec 2023 10:18:

My friend, you are doing a fantastic job! One day at a time, one step at a time, no need to think about forever or even two weeks from now, every single day is a battle for itself and you are winning many of them. Your determination to keep growing is encouraging others too so please keep it up.
Harness anything that can give you motivation to continue.

#I STAND WITH ISRAEL
#I STAND WITH KLAL YISROEL
#I STAND WITH HASHEM
#WE STAND TOGETHER AGAINST THE YH

Shalom,

I am in a good day/bad day cycle right now.  One day I am on top of the world, the next day flat on my face. Yesterday was a good day and since we lit the Menorah last night it became a really good day. In the spirit of the season, I am excited about staying clean for the entire 8 days. That would be a good achievement for me. It is reachable and also enough of a challenge. It would be one day longer than my longest streak. I love numbers and love tracking things and while this streak will hopefully carry me to the end of my time on this earth, Let me get excited about 8 days right now, actually, just getting through today is the immediate goal... 

The BOTG book is amazing, so well written and just full of solid advice and inspiration. I am sure there are people out there who may come to these forums and have NOT read the book (I was one of them for a long time). I could not recommend getting that book TODAY any higher!

On another note, I have gotten up and did my daily check-in for the last 60 days. Have not missed a day! (Told you, I love streaks and numbers). I am going to try to give this check-in streak a rest for a few days. I want to begin to take a small step into the "real" world of just living without this very important crutch. I just want a taste, and if I fall or get overly triggered in some way, this is the first place I am coming back to.

​I have been even checking in on Shabbos (I know that is bad). So taking a few days off and beginning with Shabbos makes perfect sense. 

I am feeling good today, I feel this Shabbos will be special (not that EVERY Shabbos isn't special). Chanukah is all about resistance and I will be a virtual Maccabee for the next 8 days!

​Shabbat Shalom to all of you guys.  Enjoy Chanukah , and talk to you in a few days

Very well said!