Thank you for the Kind response and the answer to your question about "Am I ready" the answer is a resounding YES!  I have been more dedicated to my observance since beginning this journey. I am studying Torah much more (not nearly as much as most of you guys). I have a Chavrusa in Israel that we study twice a week. I have my local Chabad Rabbi learning with me once a week and reading virtually nothing but sefers related to improving and increasing my observance.

There was one week that I was having a bad urge and it was time for my weekly Torah learning on Zoom and the Rabbi asked me if I was ready to learn that day... I laughed and said "you have no idea"... If it wasn't for that, I surely would have had a fall that afternoon.

You are correct that becoming more observant is going to be one of the biggest by-products and motivations to do this. Since I am spilling my guts to you guys, I only started eating Kosher 6 months ago.. actually on May 18th, 2023 was the last time I ate non-kosher food. I have been wrapping Teffilin and praying three times a day for about 15 years, so I am not a total Newbie on everything.. LOL

It is tough living in a non-observant area and even my wife if non-kosher and not Shomer Shabbos (Yet, working on her)..It is just another challenge that HaShem put in front of me, he must really see my potential!       

adam2014 wrote on 14 Nov 2023 11:09:

incredible!
I can’t imagine the cajonas you have……. to ne on an island without the frum structure most of us have. 
Sometimes Hashem will make someone go thru a tough challenge just like this struggle so that the person wakes up and gets closer to Him, its a fact that in general people who go thru this struggle become closer to Hashem. 
As the Sefarim explain it there are two types of servant doing His will. 
There are those that bring to the King things that he asks for, like food, clothing, even diamonds. The king is happy to receive them, but its not a big deal, its routine and he expects it. 
Then there are those that bring to the King things that he lost years and years ago, some may bring old jewels, some may bring gold silver, etc. The king is much more appreciative of those people, he’s reunited with things he long gave up on! now imagine if someone will bring the king a child that he lost long ago! a long lost soul who went missing ages ago, the king wont know what to do with this servant! 
This is just a very weak parable of what wr do on a daily basis……. this generation has been entrusted with going into the deep end of the sewage system in the most far flung places in the universe, places that no holiness had stepped foot at for millennia, and find the lost jewels of the Holy King!

Every one of us has a different mission plan and different parameters but overall its the same theme, Find holiness in every nook and cranny, dont give in to the stench of the sewar system, stay as clean as possible, bring every holy spark home to The King!

I do have to admit, that I stayed in the Shadows of this site for a long time because I was afraid of "being judged" for not being overly observant. After I started commenting, I found out that the exact opposite was true. I have had so many people reach out and offer to help me and to be of comfort to me. Not a single person ever said anything about not living the Frum life...

So if anyone is out there not wanting to jump in and post out of fear of being judged...Please jump in! The water is great

​I firmly believe that we all have our own unique mission on this earth and HaShem has tasked me with getting "out of the sewer"... That is my charge and my goal.... and while I am not advancing as fast as I would like, I am advancing and you guys are helping me along the way.

​When I get to Israel and have ample Kosher Food around me and far less of the smut that litters the streets of America.. I find it so much easier not to act out and be more authentic... But that is part of the challenge, sailing straight in calm waters is much easier than navigating though a storm.. and I am definitely in a storm !!

adam2014 wrote on 14 Nov 2023 15:29:

Storms always pass my friend, our lives pass as well, very very quickly. You know whats forever lasting? Our souls are! Because they are part of the Holy One! They last forever. So whatever we give that soul will stay with it and the more we clean it now when we get the chance the more thankfull we will be once we part with out bodies and we are able to feel and experience what being a soul means. We will than be able to see what a sin is how dirty and destructive it is, and how beautiful it is to be holy and pure. We will than realize that Hashem only wanted the best for us when He told us not to do this or that, its not for himself, NO it was for US! 

Keep on navigating thru the storm my dear friend. We are all watching you and praying for you!

Im in awe of you. We all know how hard change is, and the fact that you are changing so much obligates us all to do what we need to do. And im only now starting to realize how futile and counter productive it is to measure myself up to anybody else. But you mentioned that you're not learning as much as some of us. But realize that most of us haven't ever taken ourselves from 0 to 60, so you should be proud of that

GYE has a hero on board. With Adam's zchusim we will b'ezras Hashem hear lots of good news. Having him "in our corner" can only benefit us.

It is time for a little self-pity bitch session...... I am on a terrible roller-coaster at the moment . One day good, one day bad. I am sick of waking up in the morning and telling myself that "Today is Going to be a great day" and daven and speak with HaShem telling him that today I will be clean, only to be sidetracked by a ad on TV or a girl walking down the street or just a random thought from years before. It is like the more I prepare the easier it is for the YH to get me!. Shabbos was beautiful yesterday, no urges, just a wonderful day of rest the future looked bright. 

Today I wake up feeling good and thinking that even though I am feeling good, I am probably going to fall later today... It sucks feeling that way. 
Is it a self-fulling prophecy ? Am I destined to fail? There has only been a few times that I had terrible urges and fought them off. It seems that it is smooth sailing or a Hurricane.

It is beyond frustrating.....

​Ahh... Thanks for letting me vent.... Time for coffee number 2!

adam2014 wrote on 19 Nov 2023 11:04:

Too much caffeine bro!

Hey Adam! Your thread is really inspiring in ways that many other things aren't, it gives me hope. Any Updates?

The update is unfortunately another fall yesterday. It is very frustrating, but I am not giving up! What is the option? giving up my life to the YH and live in the sewer of filth? Is this the way HaShem wants me to live? of course not. Today is a new day, another battle, another chance at life.

I am so glad that my words give you hope. It is humbling, as there are so many more eloquent and successful people on this site giving me and so many others hope. As a Newbie (which I am as well), I can tell you that there are many people here that will help you along the way. They are amazing and please don't be afraid to reach out. I am confident that nothing you could tell them will shock them!

I will be back here at around this time tomorrow and hopefully I can report that today was a good, clean day! 

adam2014 wrote on 20 Nov 2023 10:29:

Your optimism is contagious! 
What are you doing different today than yesterday to be able to succeed? 
You ever heard Albert Einstein's famous line? ".....  is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
Keep up your great work!

adam2014 wrote on 20 Nov 2023 10:29:

HI Adam, 
My heart is breaking to hear your struggles. 
Maybe i can help you. 
Can you write out exactly what your struggles are? You cant stop watching porn or masturbating without porn? 
Is it worse then those things? Spell it out and you will get so many tips from the real heroes on here

The problem is that whenever I am alone, I think of it as a once-in-a-lifetime chance to act out. I am alone often, on a business trip or my wife is at the grocery store. I am totally fine and having a positive and productive day and she will tell me, "Honey, I have to run to the store, I'll be back in an hour"... and BAM... The YH tells me... grab your computer, reach out to the girl and before you know it.. another fall has happened. It is totally insane.  It is not like I am walking around getting triggered by all the filth on the street. That does happen sometimes but I usually can control it. 

The minute I find out that I am going to be alone, my brain shifts gears and turns to smut. One day last week, I knew that I was going to be alone, so I prepared to watch a shiur and chat online with you guys. It was only going to be about 2 hours. I had a plan, I was feeling good and the minute she pulled out of the driveway, all the planning went out the window and another fall happened.

​I have become incredibly predictable in a bad way. 

Reach out before she leaves don’t wait for her to leave. Message as many people as possible the moment you are aware that you are going to be alone see if you get any responses this way you get ahead of the game. If you’re worried about your wife knowing you’re on gye use the same creativity you use to have a fall, to get a message to someone before you fall.

adam2014 wrote on 21 Nov 2023 10:34:

I  hate sounding like a broken record player (does anyone here still remember that?) 
But the first thing is to not have such easy access when an oppurtinity presents itself, lets say your wife leaves and you get an urge, if you now have to get up and drive to the store to get a device or anywhere you can have unfiltered internet, your brain will not jump to the conclusion so fast, because its a hassle and it might take too long. But if you have easy access then you YH plays these games with you. 
I was in the same place for a very long time, it was like this is it! do it! i got all excited and my heart would pump out of my chest. So first i removed all unfiltered internet, but the excitement was still there to masturbate. That took longer, eventually you learn that its not so exciting....... 
It wold be like if you saw someone going ape sh*t crazy over an ice cream, he would be moaning and screaming from pleasure, or drooling just thinking of one. My reaction would be "chill dude, ive had many many ice creams and while they are delicious, its not life altering good............ stop overdramatizing! 
The same thing i did with sex, you know that feeling you have after a fall or after good sex, where you are sometimes ashamed of how ou acted in the moment, like a buffoon or buffalo, and then its over and while it was great, i still shouldnt have acted like that. 
That feeling is what i used whenever the YH would come and try to get me excited, i would tell him to Chill, i wasnt born yesterday....... Go sell a bridge to someone else. 

But first is to make access much harder to come by.