Hi, I have been member of GYE for many years now. At the beginning I was very active (logging every day), chatting, reading the forum, trying the tools. It worked for me. I started getting sober. I started understanding. I even reach 90 days. but after that, I started again with P&M like before. Then I discovered SA. I was active at the beginning. I thought I found the door to freedom from this insanity. Went to meetings (in person and zoom), made phone calls, was connected, was doing readings and all kind of inventory. At the beginning, it worked for me. I was getting some sense of sobriety, I was being honest and I was making real connections but then with time I went back to my usual me, my acting out. I do not run from the urge, I embrace it and each time I think to myself, I failed again. I like acting out, I cannot lie. I do not have painful consequences from it. Some tell me that until I have painful consequences, I will not stop. Other tells me that I need to make disclosure and destroy my life in order to have a chance to rebuild it, some tells me to go see a therapist...Every story is different and I am honestly lost. I acted out most of my life, always with myself and fantasies. I would like to change but I seems glued to my old habit, my old me. Lust is my best friend, my confident. It knows all my secrets. I know that I am the problem. I know that in order to get better, I have to change myself but I tried over and over again. I am praying to Hashem, I am making strategies, using tools and program, I am reaching to sponsors and friends but when the urge comes, everything goes out the window. "Just let me have it!" is the only thought that come to my mind. No good resolution, no good intentions seem to survive my urges. A part of me loves acting and the other part hates it. And one is much stronger than the other, much more powerful. Some tells me to stay from lust just for one and it sounds good and easy but the truth is that when it comes, my good intentions do not mean anything. I wish I could see progress, I wish I could say that I grew but I don't think I did. I learn much about this addiction, this disease, about its powerful mechanisms, how it affects the brain, about its real consequences, how it can destroy lives and hurt people...but unfortunately knowledge is not action. I know a lot but I keep acting out. I met along the road many friends, brave people that tried to help me, that were fighting too but sometimes I have the feeling that I am the only one that does not learn and I stay behind...If you have any suggestion, please let me know. I am really desperate. I think I was born with this challenge. Hashem is the only one who can help me and give me freedom from this but until now, my spiritual connection is probably way to weak and when the urge comes. I forget everything and goes along with it, like a puppet So I decided to come back to GYE after being away for several years. This is the place when I once had some hope, when I saw tiny burst of light...GYE will not cure me. I will always be me. But maybe I can change, change from the inside...Start a new cycle where I can find help and somewhat change my way of thinking and my behaviors. Thank you for letting me share.

welcome back. i sincerely hope that this time will be different....
It is quite clear from your writing that "the usual me" is not who you want to be. Do not give up. I and others here struggled for decades. Things can change.

My perspective on the entire struggle was greatly influenced by reading "the Battle of the Generation" every day. It might be a good place to start. Please feel free to reach out.

best wishes
vehkam

Hi,
Welcome back; I'm still here.

Godspeed to you

I don't want to be the usual me anymore. As much as I enjoy lust, I know in my rational mind that it will lead only in sufferings for me and my loved ones. Thank you for your message. It brings me some hope. "the Battle of the Generation" is a book? I just looked it up. Is it the one by by Hilled S. (Author)? I never heard of it but I am ready to read anything that can lead me to the right path. I am desperate to change, I am desperate to achieve my true potential and to leave this non sense behind me...

that is the one.

I just ordered the book. Feel much better since I posted. I know the temptations is going to come back quickly. I plan to post my progress on a daily basis. Thank you for letting me share

I too have been greatly influenced by the battle of the generation book (thanks vehkam for pushing me to read it!). I went from lusting in a way that I was convinced it was literally a part of me, and that there was no way I'd ever not want to act out, and through the book my mindset has slowly and gradually changed until I have a larger desire to win over my temptations than to give in to them.

Hatzlacha meruba!!!

Small concrete steps in the right direction (such as reading the book every day) can change you into the person you always wanted to be. Focus on those positive steps and don’t be discouraged if temptations flair up. Thank you for sharing with us.

Wow!! Inspiring. Sounds too good to be true. I cannot wait to receive the book!!! I will read it as if my life depends on it (which is the case in fact). I know the book will not keep me sober but maybe it will help me change from the inside, bring some kind of awareness and mindfulness that I need when the urge strikes.



Feel much better today. My mind plays tricks on me and makes me think that I am sober for such a long time (a little over 24 hours in fact!!!!). Shabbos is always a good break for me so it helps too. But motzei Shabbos is a challenging time and Sunday a very slippery day especially Sunday night. I will keep sharing my progress in here. Thank you for all the replies.

Looking forward for your daily updates.

Hey all! Just sharing my progress. I am on day 3. Sober. Being productive. Got the book "the battle of the generation". Very good interesting. Relate a lot. I like the perspective and it really talks to me. I am on chapter 3. Definitely helps me but I have to keep going. I know tonight is going to be challenging. I commit to not stay alone tonight and to go to sleep early. Otherwise I know I will be in slippery zone even though I am not tempted yet. This has been a trigger for years now.

Post tomorrow morning when you make it through

Unfortunately I did not make it through. I mean yesterday night Sunday was perfect. I was aware and mindful and Hashem helped me. This morning on the opposite totally lost. I was good until I wasn't. This thing is SO fast. It came as a far thought and I was suddenly just acting out for real I will try again and keep posting and keep reading the book. What else can I do?

First of all, keep in mind that you made it through last night, which was a challenge that you planned for. This morning was a challenge you didn't expect. So dont beat yourself up.
keep reading the book, keep posting here, and get in touch with people. Remember that you're fighting against years of giving in. It takes time to change your mindset and reactions. The most important thing is to be able to accept change and be open to new ideas. 
you got this.

Hey Ben glad to hear your reading the book!
Aside from the very fundamental lessons that the author writes about, something that I am gaining from reading the book is being able to keep the momentum going. Often I'd be mechasek only to fall hard 2 to 3 weeks later. Reading the book with consistency, possibly even twice a day like in the morning and evening can keep you chizzuk from each time to the next.
Another tool that has been really amazing for me was getting in touch with people as ainshumyeiush mentioned. For me however it wasn't just being in touch through private messages and the chat, but rather through speaking on the phone with guys. Hearing a voice of someone who understands you and cares for you, and with whom you can feel comfortable sharing secrets with, can work wonders, especially when you can build up a bit of relationship with them. It's not necessarily a step one, but for me I can clearly blame a lot of my success on these relationships I have gotten through GYE.