Hey everyone,

Been a while since I posted on my own forum. Figured I'd make a new one. I successfully made it past 365 days ~2 weeks ago. No m B"H, but I did occasionally slip over the year with looking at inappropriate things. 

I guess I'm posting again as I don't feel like I've changed all that much inside. I still desire almost everyday to look something up, and I still deal with the thoughts everyday.

What are some things I can do to help with this. 

​Another issue I have is not being positive with my body. After years of watching Schmutz I've really messed up my brain with what is acceptable in terms of size and whatnot.  I know I shouldn't think this way, but my YH does it in a funny way - it makes me worry if I will be able to please my wife in the future, not so much if "I care about it." Also have deep anxiety about not being able to last a long time.
I don't expect anyone to give "tips" chas v'shalom, I just need my head to be set straight.

Thanks,
Yeshar

There were posts in this thread has some good advice on this issue, if you dont mind a bit of graphicness guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/283743-Comparing-my-body-to-others?limit=15&start=30

Hello Yeshar,

I don't think anyone here - or anywhere - can tell you how long it'll take to feel different inside or if it's at all possible. You made it to 365 days without masturbation; congratulations, man! IY"H by mir oif simchas. You still feel the temptation to look at stuff that you used to use for various reasons to make you feel OK; I think that's to be expected.

My advice would be to have patience for yourself and your process and keep moving in a positive direction.

Regarding your second concern, many here (there and everywhere) might be able to relate and understand - including yours truly.
What I feel has been helping me in this area is accepting the fact that I messed up my perception of what an acceptable size is, in addition to many other factors in this area, and accepting that, whether I measure up or not, this is my body, and there's not much that can (or should) be done to change it. Worry doesn't make a person grow.

Oh, as for pleasing my wife, I realized a weird thing (tell me how surprising you find it), when I'm present, calm, centered, and there for my wife, she's pleased - my body notwithstanding. And when I'm focused on myself, I can't see any amount of body pleasing her.

I apologize if I gave you tips against your explicit warning.

Well said Connected!

Dear Yeshar, Please Make a Lchaim on reaching such a big milestone. Embrace yourself. Love yourself. Look in the mirror and look in the eye of a person who won so many battles. Focus on the good.

Woman need the carrot not the stick...

Heeling wrote on 04 Aug 2023 17:03:

Wouldn't they both represent the same thing? At least in this thread...

Nah, probably just my lust-shaped mind coming up with weird stuff.

connected wrote on 04 Aug 2023 16:32:

AMEN!

connected wrote on 04 Aug 2023 17:07:

On this thread...

The carrot means - In order for woman to feel pleased they need a real, emotional, loving, caring, giving, supportive, safe, happy relationship. 

The stick means - literally.

Hold off on blowing up your screen, let me explain. Woman definitely need a physical relationship, but that isnt the make it or break. woman yearn for a relationship constructed from the above mentioned items and the physical will follow. If a relationship is constructed from the above items then they will feel pleased with the physical no matter on the inches. If the focus is on the physical but the emotional is missing, then they wont be pleased no matter on the inches.

You never even told us your size, so you may not even have a problem at all.

For arguments sake: let us say that you're in the five percentile, here goes: if your future wife watched porn, you might have cause to worry (and then you'll need to heed the advice of the others here - yes, I'm sorry as well), but if she didn't, you've got nothing' to worry about.

I have never been exposed to porn but from what I have read in many posts it leads to a false perception of what marriage is all about. The verse says about taking chicks out of a nest "שלח תשלח את האם ואת הבנים תקח לך", send away the mother and the children you can take. I heard a vort many years ago and if I understand it and remember it correctly the verse was explained that when being with one's wife he should send away the physical pleasure he has with his wife and he should do it in order to have children. This is true for the positive commandment to have children. There is a negative commandment "ועונתה לא יגרע", the intention of which is "don't deprive your wife of her emotional and sexual needs". Being with one's wife in order to satisfy her emotional and physical needs while sidelining his own physical pleasure, acknowledging that it is inevitable and only there in order to make it possible to have relations and easier and more natural to nurture his wife's emotional and physical needs is what I believe to be the essence of this commandment. Emotional needs are well described by Heeling. Unlike men, for women sex is mostly about emotional needs and not about the act itself. (I added the following after reading the post of cordnoy responding to what I wrote because I am afraid someone will read this without reading his post and I can't delete it anymore: Not focusing enough on pleasure can lead to infertility so I retract my words and I only mean this in a limited extent, meaning not to focus only on pleasure). This approach will also lead to a happier and more successful marriage.

I would have left these words for a choson shmooze but being that people exposed to porn already have a very distorted view of marriage I felt it was important that they know this before they start dating.

yitzchokm wrote on 04 Aug 2023 19:03:

That vort is ridiculous.

Sorry.

cordnoy wrote on 04 Aug 2023 19:23:

You are right.

If not for cordnoy's sharp-witted responses we would all be lost.

yitzchokm wrote on 04 Aug 2023 19:03:

Sounds odd. Where did you hear it? The Shulchan Orach deals with limiting pleasure but this is very difficult to understand see krayna deigrasa. Also see sefer binyan habayis...

You are right.

Yeshar wrote on 04 Aug 2023 01:25:

Regarding what you said second ayin Cordnoy. Regarding the fierst thing, the fact that we have desires is human and oay. The fact that we fall and are powerless against them is not. If you look at yourself you will see that your muscles of willpower have grown tremendously. Thats growing! Thats change! Take that to the bank! The fact is that the desire for looking at women is a natural desire to a man. The anshei knesses hagdola tried to change that a person would only desire his wife. Heaven answered, "no halfsies". Dont know if you will get a better answer than them. 

bright wrote on 04 Aug 2023 23:01:

The fact that you have to bring 2 different sources to back your point, may actually prove his point that the simple meaning could be mis-translated the way he did. 

I think it’s safe to say that yitzchokm is espousing a common chassidic approach to intimacy, therefore to keep the peace on the forum I’d say what we always say “If it works for you, run with it, and if it doesn’t, run far away from it”.